


The Eyes that Haunt Me

by DeadlyKittenKay (PrettyBlueIz)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Depressed Castiel, Emotional Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, M/M, Past Balthazar/Castiel, Past Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester, Past Castiel/Amelia Novak, Past Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Verbal Abuse, a spin on soulmates - loose interpretation, using religion to abuse others
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 15:10:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 44,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11534796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyBlueIz/pseuds/DeadlyKittenKay
Summary: Dean Winchester isn’t quite sure what he wants to do with his life. While he loves his construction job, his car and his son, he feels empty inside.Castiel “Jimmy” Novak feels as if he has failed everyone. He has a job that requires little social interaction and lives for weekends with his daughter Claire. Sure he’s lonely, but it’s easier to ignore the voices when you’re alone.A chance meeting and shockingly similar dreams might just open up a new way of life for both Dean and Castiel but will they see the signs when they’re there?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a fair warning, this beast is 21 chapters long. I'm posting them all at once but yeah...
> 
> So this has been a story in the making since November 2016. When the Destiel Big Bang came up I knew I wanted to submit this. It's been a long (emotional) battle to get it done but here it is. 
> 
> The BEAUTIFUL artwork you'll see in the fic is by the talented [iouii](http://iouii.tumblr.com) if you get a chance. PLEASE go check out her work. It's phenomenal! and you can see the art master post [here](http://iouii.tumblr.com/post/163118478366/the-art-masterpost-for-the-destielbigbang-the)
> 
> A big thank you to Lins, Angel, and Sami for reading through this and catching things I neglected to see. I love you ladies 
> 
> Thanks to the Mods at the Destiel Big Bang for hosting this and working with us writers when real life decides to be a bitch or the muse stops talking. 
> 
> And thank you to my husband and Loveinghybrid for talking me off the ledge and giving me a ton of sugar and Misha Collins spams when the feels got too real.

****

Two different men from opposite states with two very separate lives find themselves awakened at the exact same moment. Their breathing is hurried, gasping for air as if they had run from the most frightening of monsters. One’s shirt is stuck to his back from the sweat that drenches him, while the other shivers as the air conditioning from his small room blows onto his damp skin. Their hearts are racing even though they start to breathe evenly. Both are haunted by similar dreams.

***

For Dean Winchester, the dreams started when he was four years old. Blue eyes. Always blue eyes that would change from the darkest deepest blue to a glowing intensity that he didn’t understand until he was older. The overall feel of the dream ruled the color of the blue. No matter the color, he knew it was the same pair of eyes each and every time. 

He had spent the last twenty six years of his life ignoring the deep soulful eyes that came to him at night. He would go from person to person, avoiding those with similar eyes, just to appease his basic urges but always felt guilty, though he would never admit that to anyone other than his brother. 

Even as he lay in bed, awake twenty minutes before his alarm, he knew staying with the mother of his child, living in sin, was a very bad mistake. Not just that he would hurt Lisa even though she claimed to be okay with their relationship, but the fact that just down hall sleeping in the batman pajamas was  _ his _ child. And if he was being honest with himself, which he rarely is, that is the only reason why he had agreed to move in. His own father was gone most of his life and he refused to be that father to Ben.

It’s not that John Winchester was a horrible father. No, he was far from that. He was a busy man, a Marine, who proudly served his country, even if that meant leaving his wife, Mary, and their two sons behind. Because of John, Dean had learned how to hunt, how to restore the 1967 Chevy Impala that currently sits in the driveway as well as any other car, and had an appreciation for the songs from the sixties and seventies. Without John, he wouldn’t have helped raise his little brother, who surprisingly followed in their father’s footsteps despite their constant headbutting.

***

Across Lake Michigan, the other man throws the thin sheet off of him and mutters a curse. It’s an hour before he needs to start getting ready for work but he was awoken by the emerald colored eyes that haunt his dreams. He had nightly dreams of these eyes, the intensity of their color ranging from dark forest green to bright lime. Sadly, his way to cope with the dreams was not to run from them. He had made the mistake of telling his overtly religious family of these dreams and they had become convinced that he had been touched by Lucifer himself. Starting at just the tender age of ten, he had used medication, therapy, and - more recently - a failed marriage to deal. 

Castiel, or Jimmy as he preferred to use his middle name, had tried to pretend that these dreams didn’t mean anything. He had tried to believe the doctors when they said that it was just a mental illness, but a feeling in his gut told him he wasn’t crazy. There was a reason he had been dreaming of the green eyed stranger since he was ten. There was a reason that, as he got older, the feelings that these dreams brought were far more than a figment of his imagination. It was because of these feelings and the fact that he knew there was so much more going on that his marriage failed. It was the reason why he was never completely happy with the way his life was going. 

The only time he was happy was on the weekends, when he got to spend time with his daughter, Claire. He loved her more than life itself and because of that, he was able to continue taking his medications and waking up to a new day.


	2. Chapter 2

###  Battle Creek, Michigan

“Fuck!” Dean growls out when the hot black liquid splashes his hand from over the lip of the coffee mug. He is still rattled from last night’s dream. Normally he can just shake them off with a shower and a shot, but this one is haunting him more than usual. Those blue eyes were so sad and scared. After all this time it still frustrates the crap out of him that he can’t see more of this person than their damned eyes. His mother had said once that it was a sign of his soulmate, his one true love. When he had countered that the eyes were that of a man, his mother had only smiled and patted his hand. 

“That’s a dollar, Dad,” his son says sleepily as he pulls a chair away from the table.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll put a twenty in on our way out. Fruit Loops or Captain?” Dean asks as he grabs a bowl from the cabinet awaiting a response. 

“Do you love Mom?”

_ Well shit, _ he thinks to himself, clearly not expecting that question this early. “Ben, don’t avoid my question with a question. You know I hate that sh-- stuff when your Uncle Sam does it.”

“I’m not hungry,” the boy grumbles and crosses his arms over his chest. Goddamn if it wasn’t like looking in a mirror.

“Too bad, so sad. You’re eating breakfast,” Dean says flatly, “Don’t make me pick it for you. Or you’re eating granola.”

Ben wrinkles his nose and rolls his eyes, “Fruit Loops, please.”

Dean nods his head and gets the bowl of sugary cereal ready. It drives Lisa up the wall that Ben has cold cereal for breakfast. She would rather he had some food triangle bullshit approved meal to start the day. He was too much like Dean, though. He hated the mornings and needed more than rabbit food to survive. 

“Since I answered your question, can you answer mine?” Ben asks when Dean sets down the bowl in front of him. 

“What question?” a female voice asks from the doorway.. 

_ Son of a bitch! _

Dean holds out the mug of coffee that had burnt him to Lisa. She hums in pleasure as she walks over and stands on her toes to kiss him.

“Gross, mom,” Ben teases earning a playful glare from his mother.

“What were my two boys talking about?” she asks before taking a sip of her coffee.

“Cars,” both Dean and Ben answer. This earns an eye roll from Lisa, she never understood how they could talk about cars so much. Little did she know, this was their go to cover up when neither one wanted to share their feelings with her. As if Dean couldn’t deny Ben on looks alone - granted he did have his mother’s dark brown hair - he also had his personality. 

“Well, I know one young man that needs to hurry up and get dressed before he makes his father late for work.” Lisa kisses Ben’s cheek and affectionately runs her fingers through his hair. “Don’t forget your book report,” she reminds him.

Dean can hear him mutter a response as he leaves the kitchen and takes the stairs two at a time. Ben’s question got to him. He knows he doesn’t love Lisa, at least not in the way that Ben was most likely hoping for. Eight years ago, Lisa was nothing more than a girl to help him forget the latest blow out he’d had with his dad. For some god awful reason she was in the right place at the wrong time and with a fifth of Jack between them, their lust filled brains took over. 

He had missed the first part of Ben’s life. He had only found out about Ben through a fluke. He had gone to Michigan to meet with Sam and bumped into both Lisa and Ben. She tried to deny the relation but called him at the hotel the day before he was set to go back home. A week later he became a more active parent, even if the idea still scared the shit out of him three years later. 

Ben asks his question again once they were in the Impala and heading to his school. 

“What’s got you wanting to talk about feelings all of the sudden?”

Ben shrugs his shoulder. “I was just curious.”

“I love her for giving me you,” Dean offers. Sure it was lame, but it was true. Ben rolled his eyes.  _ Fuck, he’s been doing that more _ . “Benji,” Dean starts using the nickname he gave him. “No matter how I feel about your mom, know that I love you, buddy.”

“Love you too, Dad.”

 

* * *

 

###  Pontiac, Illinois

“Jimmy! Are you home?”

Castiel sighs at the voice of his ex-wife. She knew he was home, otherwise she wouldn’t have bothered to enter the apartment. 

“Yes, Amelia.” He rounds the corner to see her standing by his couch. Her blond hair is pulled back from her face, the permanent scowl in her hazel eyes fixed on him. She’s beautiful, at least Castiel always thought she was. She is slim, well dressed and a true woman of God. That was one of the things his family had loved about her-- her devotion to the Lord. 

“Daddy!” the blonde toddler on Amelia’s hip squeals and reaches out for him.

“Claire Bear,” he coos, smoothly taking her into his arms and pressing his lips to her hair. He inhales the strawberry scent of her shampoo, using it to ground himself. It’s been a very trying day and he knows that this angel in his arms will make him forget for now. 

“Castiel,” Amelia’s sharp tone makes him look at her in surprise since she rarely used his given name. “As I was saying, Claire has a fever. So keep her hydrated.” She places a couple of bags on the couch and moves towards the kitchen. 

Castiel follows her, pressing his lips to Claire’s forehead where he can feel the warmth as she played with the tie that hung loosely around his neck. 

“Now, don’t give her the apple juice,” Amelia says looking through his fridge, “In fact, I would go get her some Pedialyte at the store. She can’t have any dark liquids, we want clear-”

“I know how to deal with dehydration, Amelia. I did go to medical school.”

She scoffs and slams the fridge door, “No, you started it and then tried to kill yourself.” 

He winces at her reminder. 

“You never finished,” She looks at him and purses her lips, “Maybe I should have my mother get her on Sunday.”

“No. You promised me I could take her while you are gone. We’ll be fine.” He looks at Claire and gently tickles her making her giggle, “Won’t we, Claire Bear?”

“Uh huh,” she smiles widely at him, her big blue eyes impossibly bigger. 

“Besides,” Castiel looks at Amelia, “Your parents will be busy with the church. It’s the annual Spring Social and I know how much your mother does for it while Deacon Everett prepares for the sermon.” He knows she won’t disagree with him. In the ten years they were together, the preparations for the Social had always been a busy time in the Everett household, “This gives Claire and me a chance to bond.”

He can see Amelia’s jaw clench as she thinks about something, “Fine. Just call Raph’s cell if you need anything. Her insurance cards are in her bag, no sugar two hours before-”

“I know Amelia. I’m her father. I can handle this.”

She grumbled something to herself before reaching for Claire. The toddler buried her face into Castiel’s shoulder, hiding from her mother. Amelia sighed and adjusted the strap of her purse on her shoulder. “Fine. Did you take your meds, Jimmy?”

For a brief moment he recognized the woman he married when she said his prefered name but looking at her stiff shoulders and frown, he knew that person was lost. 

“Every morning, Amelia. I’m fine. We’ll be fine.” he glances at the clock to see the digital numbers read that it was a quarter after seven. “Did she eat?”

Amelia nods, “Yes. She didn’t eat much given that she’s not feeling good, so she might want something later.”

“No sugar,” he repeats knowing what she was going to say next. 

There’s a knock at the door before it’s opened and Castiel bristles at the intrusion. Raphael, Amelia’s “friend” lets himself in. 

“Lea, we’re gonna miss our flight,” the man says, completely ignoring Castiel’s presence in his own home.

“I know, Raph,” Amelia says with a soft smile, the smile that used to be for her husband. Castiel looks down at Claire, trying to ignore the exchange and ache he’s feeling in his chest. He sticks his tongue out at his daughter who does it back at him. 

“Mommy will be back before you know it,” Amelia says kissing Claire’s cheek. “Please take care of yourself, Jimmy. For Claire.”

Castiel nods, “Safe travels,” he looks at the dark hair man standing in his entry way, “Always a pleasure to see you,  _ Raphael _ .” 

Raphael’s eyebrow jumps at his tone. “ _ Castiel _ ,” he practically spits as if it causes him pain to say the name and give a curt nod before escorting Amelia out the door. 

The rest of the night is spent playing with Claire or watching cat videos with her. When it is time for bed he tucks her in and reads a chapter of  _ Charlotte’s Web _ . This is a tradition he had started back when Amelia was pregnant and even though he’s read the book cover to cover multiple times, Claire would always ask for the book and he was always happy to read it to her. 

His life is nowhere he thought it would or should be at this point. He had plans to go to medical school and become a pediatrician. At thirty-six, he imagined that he would be more than this. More than a divorced ad salesman with enough baggage to fill a Boeing 747 and then some.

With one final kiss to his daughter’s forehead, he decides to try and sleep. Hoping the new sleeping pills will give him an night without the green eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

###  Pontiac, Illinois

Castiel’s leg bounces nervously as he holds the stuffed pony in his hands. Waiting is the worst thing ever, he decides. All he wants is a damned doctor to come out and tell him what the fuck is wrong with his daughter. He knows he should call Amelia and tell her that he brought Claire to the hospital but he want’s to wait until he knows for sure what is going on. Right now, he wouldn’t be able to answer her and honestly he is hanging on by a thread so thin that he knows his ex could snap it with one word.

He isn’t even sure what had happened. Claire was doing great this past week. Her temperature was normal, she had seemed to get her appetite back. Heck, she was even running around and playing. At least she was until this afternoon. He had placed her down for a nap but when he tried to wake her up he couldn’t rouse her. He called 9-1-1 and the ambulance arrived after what felt like hours. The EMT’s had confirmed that she was breathing but that’s as much as he had gotten from them.

Now he’s in the waiting room. Purgatory would have been a better name for it. Not exactly Hell, but pretty fucking close. Other families sit around him, some crying on each other’s shoulders or pacing the floor, others chattering as if this is a common place to meet. How can they be so calm? He wants to scream. His daughter shouldn’t be here, she should be sitting on his couch laughing at her pony show and happily eating her snap beans or apples. 

A vending machine coffee cup appears before him, his eyes strain to focus on the color of the cup and the hand holding it. Slender fingers are wrapped around it, the nails painted with black glitter, except the ring finger which has an image of a police call box on it. He tilts his head curiously at what he sees before raising his eyes. A young redhead with wild hair smiles kindly down at him. 

“You looked like you could use a cup of coffee,” she says cheerfully. 

He studies the stranger in front of him. Headphones hang around her neck, a cheerful song is barely audible. She’s wearing a shirt that has an image of a lighting bolt and glasses on it, under an open red flannel. Her worn jeans and black boots look like they’ve seen better days. “I’m Charlie,” she says with a friendly smile, “Well, Charlene, but I prefer Charlie. Good way to break the gender norms.”

He can’t help the faint smile at her explanation, “Castiel,” he says taking the coffee from her. “Thank you. And, please, call me Jimmy.”

Charlie sits next to him on the bench, she folds her knees so her legs are under her and turns to face him. “Why Jimmy? Castiel is a cool name.”

He shakes his head, “Maybe if you’re an angel of the Lord. Which I’m not.”

“Why would an angel admit that they were an angel? I mean you could be hiding your wings under that trench coat,” she jokes lightly.

He grimaces and takes a sip of his coffee. “No. Trust me. I’m no angel.”

Charlie accepts that and shrugs. “Jimmy short for something?”

“James. My middle name.”

“Oh, neat. Castiel James. See that’s exotic. I think you should keep with Castiel.”

He stares at her for a minute and she grins at him then looks at the pony in his hand, “Ohh, Midnight Sparkle. I personally like Princess Luna. You a brony?” she lifts an eyebrow at him. 

He chuckles. “No, no. Just a devoted dad. It’s my daughter’s. Her favorite.”

She makes a swooning gesture, “How old is she?”

He finds it strange that he is even talking to this stranger. Normally he keeps quiet but Charlie has a way of making him feel comfortable. 

“She’s three. She’ll be four in May.”

“Is she okay?” Charlie asks softly. 

Castiel shakes his head and puts his coffee down on the side table. “No. Honestly I don’t know what is wrong with her. They-” he waves his hand at the doorway to indicate the nurses and doctors, “-haven’t said a word since they told me to wait. That was over an hour ago.”

Charlie frowns. “That sucks. My brother - for all intents and purposes - is in there. He was t-boned by a drunk driver. Last I heard he was stable but critical,” she gives a shrug and picks a bit of imaginary lint off her leg, “They won’t tell me shit cause I’m not next of kin.”

Castiel widens his eyes at her swearing, “Has the next of kin been notified?”

She nods, “Yep, as soon as I got the call, I called him before the hospital did. Sam has me down as one of his ICE people,” she laughs at Castiel’s confused expression. “ICE is in case of emergency, you can put it in your phone,” she pulls out her phone to bring up her contacts, “See like here, by Dean’s name?” 

He nods and sees that it says  _ Dean - ICE  _

“If something happens and EMS gets my phone, they see that and they can call Dean. In Sam’s contact’s list my name comes up before his brother’s so they called me first. Which blows cause Sam was gonna surprise his brother. He’s been deployed overseas for the last two years. He didn’t even know Sam was back in the States!”

“Huh.…” Castiel wasn’t sure what to say to that.

“Learn something new everyday, huh?” Charlie teases.

Castiel is about to answer when a voice from the doorway says, “Mr. Novak?”

 

* * *

 

###  Battle Creek, Michigan

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Dean jogs over to where his son is trying to use the wrench on the Impala, “What are you doing to my Baby?”

“Dad,” Ben laughs, “You said I could help with the air box!”

Dean nods and takes the tool from Ben’s hand, “I did and you will,” he reaches over and loosens the wing nut. “Turn that to the left, put the wing in your pocket and lift the lid.”

Ben nods and follows his father’s instructions. Dean leans back against the work bench and takes a pull from his long neck bottle. He knew that the air filter needed to be replaced and was pretty impressed with how fast Ben took to the instructions for the oil change and sparks. He wondered if he should have the kid check Lisa’s Malibu on Saturday, with his supervision of course.

“So, Benji, wanna explain the grade in history?” 

Ben groans and looks back at Dean. “It’s boring!”

“So, it’s history, it’s going to repeat itself. Might as well be prepared.”

“It’s the past, Dad. Can’t it stay there?” Ben grumbles and takes the air filter out looking at it and turning it in his hands. 

“ _ Benjamin Isaac _ ,” Dean warns. 

“Alright, I’ll try harder. I think Baby needs a new filter.” Ben says to Dean who nods and gestures to the storage cabinet with his beer. 

AC/DC’s “Dirty Deeds” starts playing from the radio and Ben grins, “AC/DC rules!” 

Dean laughs and turns the song up, watching as his mini-me goes back to work on the filter. Dean is scared. Lisa had been hinting about getting married a lot lately and that kind of commitment is something Dean is not ready for. He knows it is the next logical thing to do since they seem to have their relationship ass backwards but he just can’t see it when he pictures his future. 

Sure that makes him a dick, leading her on, playing house with Ben, but he doesn’t know what else to do. He wants to be there for Ben. Sure, he wouldn’t  _ mind _ being married, raising his kid or kids and what not. He just wants what his mom and dad have. When John looked at Mary it was obvious that he would move Heaven and Hell for her. She was his everything and his whole world. Dean couldn’t say that about Lisa. Yes, he cares for her. He wants her happy. He wants Ben happy. But...

_ Fuck, feelings are bullshit. _

“And done!” Ben says proudly, wiping his hands on the red rag that hangs out of his back pocket.

“Oh yeah? She’s not gonna blow up on me, right?” Dean teases pushing off the workbench to test the tightness of the nut. Satisfied with Ben’s job he closes the hood and uses a clean cloth to wipe the fingerprints from the shiny black finish while his son goes back indoors. 

“Dad, Charlie’s on the phone,” Ben emerges holding the house phone out to him. Funny, Dean hadn’t even heard it ring.

“M’lady, how art thou?” Dean teases as he cradles the phone between his ear and shoulder. He knows she’ll get a kick out of it since she was the Queen of Moons for her LARP group.  “Ben, go start your homework,” he calls over his shoulder, the child salutes and runs into the house.

“As much as I love that you greet your queen in such a manner, it’s time to be big brother,” Charlie answers. Dean notices her worried tone and hears the metal sound of a car door closing.

“Are you okay?” 

“Yes, Dean, I’m fine.”

“Okay, then what’s going on? You don’t touch a phone that close to the car.” Charlie, while a walking talking techie, is avidly against the use of cellphones in a car. 

Charlie takes a sigh. “Are you sitting? Please tell me you’re sitting and or not holding something that can cause my nephew or my future ride harm.”

“Charlene.”

“Crap,” she squeaks. “Okay. So it was supposed to be a surprise and Sam is going to kill me for ruining it but, damn it, I needed to tell you before the hospital does,” she starts rambling.

“Charlie, what about Sam?” The hair on the back of his neck stands on end like it always did when he knew something was up with Sam or even Charlie. He called it his big brother sense, like spider senses but better. 

“Hewasinanaccidentandisatthehospital,” she says in one shaky breath.

“Charlie, breathe and break that up,” Dean tries to say calmly. Sam’s in trouble and it’s taking every ounce of his self control not to go flying out of the garage.

“Right,” she laughs nervously. “Sorry. Okay, so Sam was in an accident. They are taking him to Pontiac General in Illinois. I’m on my way there but you’re next in line on his ICE list since we all know Sam’s got his contacts in alphabetical order. Don’t bite their heads off. They might not know anything yet.”

“Where is the hospital? Why is he in Illinois?” 

“He was sent to the reserve base in Pontiac. I was going to meet him at the base in the morning but he wanted to meet up for dinner. Oh, God,” she lets out another shaky breath that sounds more like a broken sob. “I should have told him no.”

“No, Charlie. Sammy’s stubborn and hasn’t seen you in four years. This is not your fault, you hear me?”

“Ye--Yeah.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can. I promise.”

“Be careful, Dean. I can’t have both of my big brothers in the hospital.”

“I will, Charlie. I’ll call you when I hit Illinois.”

“I love you.”

“I know,” Dean can’t help the smile at her snort. 

“I can’t believe you just Han Solo’ed me.”

“Had to make you smile, Charlie. That’s my job. I’ll be there soon, squirt.”


	4. Chapter 4

### Battle Creek, Michigan

Dean was frantic. He had to get to his brother but Lisa was working a forty-eight hour shift. He knew he could take Ben with him but the boy had school.

“Fuck,” Dean groaned and shoved everything on the workbench off.

Ben heard the clattering in the garage and came out to see his father glaring at the wooden top as if it had personally offended him. The stiff pose Dean had told Ben to be cautious. Dean had never raised a hand to his son or Lisa, he hardly even yelled at Ben, but he had seen enough fights between his parents to know that Dean was trying very hard to hold something back.

“Dad?” Ben asks timidly.

Dean’s posture drops as he stands away from the table. He quickly grabs Ben into a tight hug. “I’m okay, Benji.” Ben wraps his arms around his dad and hugs him tightly.

“Buddy, I need you to pack a go bag,” Dean hold Ben’s face with his hands. “Can you do that for me? We’re gonna take a trip and I need you to come with me, okay?”

“Is Aunt Charlie okay?” Ben asks worriedly.

“She’s fine, buddy. Go get your stuff, I need to call your mom.” Dean had his phone out before Ben’s image was out of sight, quickly dialing the emergency number Lisa had given him.

“Dean? Is everything okay?” Lisa’s voice finally came on the other line after he was transferred several times.

“Um, not really. Ben’s okay. I’m okay. I just need to go to Illinois for a few days.” He explained throwing a few shirts from the closet on the bed.

“Okay,” she pauses and sighs. “I’ll call Ms. Harris and see if she can take Ben for the next couple of days.

“No, Lisa. I can take him.”

“Dean, he has school. I don’t see why you would need to pull him out of school just because you’re getting antsy about our relationship.”

“Son of a bitch!” Dean snapped slamming the dresser. “That’s not what this is fucking about, Lisa.”

“You sure about that, Dean? I know that look. You look like a caged animal ninety percent of the time. Your anxiety has been getting worse and I can tell. It’s like the only thing keeping you in my bed at night is trying to give Ben the perfect family.”

Dean so didn’t want to do this now. She wasn’t wrong but this was not the time to throw blame, accusations, and truths at each other like this. “It’s Sammy,” Dean cleared his throat to keep from sobbing.

“Oh, Jesus,” Lisa breathed.

“Yeah, he was in a wreck or something. He’s stateside and I have to-”

“Yes, you do. Are you sure you want Ben with you?”

“I can’t do this alone. What if Sammy’s…” he left the words hanging in the air. He didn’t want to think the worst. His brother has survived bullying in school, boot camp and a war. That would be pretty fucked up that a car accident takes him.

“I understand,” Lisa says softly. The warmth and love in her voice burns Dean like acid. This is so wrong what he’s doing to her and he hates himself more. “Call me when you two get there.”

“I will.”

“And, Dean, please be careful.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

On the road for a little over two hours, Dean makes a stop for gas, coffee and bathroom breaks. He checks his phone and has several texts.

_ >>Sam’s in a room. 4th fl. _

_ >>I think his nurse just hit on me! _

_ >>Omg… dat ass! _

Dean smiles and shakes his head at Charlie’s texts. She was crazy but he loved her. The sent a quick response, telling her to get the nurse’s number or Sam would be pissed before looking at the last one from Lisa.

_ >>I love you. Please tell Ben too, k? _

With a sigh, Dean shoves his phone in his pocket and put the pump back. He takes a quick peek into the back seat and sees Ben curled up sleeping under his leather jacket. Two more hours and he’ll have some answers about Sammy and maybe a decision.

 

* * *

 

### Pontiac, Illinois

Castiel took his seat next to Charlie who gave him a sympathetic smile. “Any news?” she asks hopefully.

Castiel’s right shoulder moves up to his ear. “They think she had a seizure. She has a few more scans to do, but right now it’s the waiting game.”

Charlie hugs his right arm and places her head on his shoulder in comfort. She had always been a great judge of character and that was what had brought her over to him. Watching this man with the crazy hair, bright blue eyes and wrinkled suit breakdown was too much for her.

“If she’s anything like her father, I’m sure she’ll be okay.”

Castiel squeezes his eyes shuts. He knew Charlie didn’t know what she was saying but that statement was less than encouraging at this moment.

“How’s Sam?” he asks trying to change topics.

“I’m actually mad that they won’t let me in. I don’t want him to wake up alone, ya know?” Castiel nods. “But noooo, I have to wait for Dean before they will let me in. Dean won’t read him _The Hobbit_ . He’d rather read him a story from _Hustler_.”

Castiel makes a snorting sound at her rant.

“I would never read porn to my brother. I would tell him to watch it but not read it to him,” a smooth baritone voice says from behind them. Charlie bolts up at the voice and a grin stretches across her face.

“Dean! Ben! You're here!” She quickly untangles herself from Castiel and jumps the seats to hug the man behind them. Castiel wasn’t sure what he was expecting when it came to Dean. He supposes a part of him thought he would have the same lanky and short build as Charlie, as well as her ginger hair. He was wrong. Dean was nothing like that. He was easily six foot, with short light brown — almost dark blond — hair. He had wide shoulders that filled out the dark leather coat nicely.

Castiel swallowed thickly and diverted his gaze from the family reunion.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Ben had spotted Charlie first, pointing out the familiar fire red of her hair as she leaned against a guy in a tan coat. Dean wondered briefly if Charlie was testing the waters and dating a dude but then remembered her text about Sam’s nurse.

As they get closer he can hear her telling the man that Dean would read porn to his brother. Dean couldn’t help but laugh at that and the memory it brings up when Dean literally told his sixteen year old brother to stop doing homework on a Friday and watch porn instead.

Dean reminded her of the fact and was quickly engulfed into the limbs of Charlie Bradbury. He could feel the stress of the drive starting to seep out of him at the familiar embrace. Right now, even with the uncertainty of what was going on with Sam, Dean felt centered. The three people he cared for the most were under the same roof and to him, that was the biggest relief.

Charlie pulled away from Dean before squeezing Ben into a hug. “Jeez, kid, you’re going to be taller than me.” Ben just laughed and hugged her back.

“That’s not that difficult, Red,” Dean teased earning a smack in the arm a chuckle from the man in the tan coat. Dean’s eyes narrowed but widened with a yelp when Charlie pinched his side.

“Be nice,” she hisses, jerking her head in the man’s direction. “Dean, Ben, I would like you to meet Castiel-”

“Jimmy,” the man corrects her.

She rolls her eyes. “Technically, it’s Castiel,” she says looking at Dean. “But he’s hung up on using his boring middle name,” this time she looks at the man and sticks her tongue out at him.

Castiel - Jimmy whatever the fuck his name is - laughs at Charlie’s antics and shakes his head.

“ _Jimmy,_ ” Charlie mimics his correction, “This is my brother Dean Winchester and his clone-like son, Ben.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” he says extending his hand to Dean. Dean nods and accepts the handshake, surprised at how soft the man’s hands are. _Don’t go there, Winchester._

“And I’ve heard a lot about you,” Castiel looks at Ben, offering the same hand he gave Dean.

Ben looks over at Dean as if asking permission, before taking Castiel’s hand. “Are you a friend of Aunt Charlie’s?” he asks.

“Yep,” Charlie says cheerfully. “How about you and I go let the mean nurses know your daddy is here so we can see Sam?”

Ben nods, quickly forgetting about Jimmy and his dad as he goes off with Charlie. Dean watches them then crosses his arms across his chest.

Castiel can feel the tension coming off of Dean. He wants to say something to make him relax but isn’t sure what to say. Instead he clears his throat and moves back to where he and Charlie were sitting.

“How do you know Charlie?” Dean asks causing Castiel to pause.

“She noticed my discomfort and wouldn’t let me be alone.”

Dean can’t help the chuckle he makes. That sounded completely like Charlie. “Yeah, she’s usually good at reading if people need something. Freaky good at it, actually.”

“I’m sorry to hear about your brother,” Castiel says softly, looking down at the linoleum floor. “I do hope the recovery is easy,” he looks up and Dean has to bite his cheek. Blue eyes look at him and he feels like the room is spinning.

“Dean, are you okay?” Castiel asks moving closer to him as if trying to catch him.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Dean pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a few calming breaths before looking back at Castiel. “Sorry, It’s been a long day.”

Castiel nods and gives him a sympathetic look. “I’ve been here,” he looks at his watch then drops his arm. “Nearly ten hours and I still haven’t been able to see my daughter.”

Dean lets out a shaky breath. “Wow, dude. I would have raised hell by now if it were Ben.”

Castiel grimaces. “Charlie is a great distraction.”

Dean nods in agreement and motions for Castiel to take a seat. “I’m sorry, Castiel,” he says taking the seat Charlie was previously occupying. “I couldn’t imagine not knowing what’s wrong that long.”

Castiel lets out a heavy sigh and puts his head in his hands. “The worst part is she’s alone in there.”

“Her mother’s not here?”

“Out of town with her _fiance_.” The bitterness in the man’s voice doesn’t escape Dean’s notice.

“I’m sorry,” he finds himself apologizing again.

They sit together in silence. It’s not comfortable by any means. Dean’s thoughts are racing with worry about Sam and a sudden need to make the man next to him feel better. He’s never been good at that sort of thing. His brother and Charlie would constantly tell Dean that he was emotionally constipated or emotionally stunted.

There’s also the thing with Castiel’s eyes. They are the same shade that Dean has dreamt about for as long as he can remember, but there is no way that they _are_  the same. _Right?_

Dean is so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t even hear the ER nurse call him until he feels a hand on his knee.

Castiel had pulled himself from his own thoughts of worry for Claire when he heard the nurse call Dean’s name. At first he thought Dean may have dozed off, after all the drive he took this late at night with a young child was probably a rough one. When he looked over at Dean, he actually looked at him. The structure of his face was so nearly symmetrically perfect that Castiel was sure it would fit DaVinci’s idea of physical perfection. He had long lashes that framed bright green eyes that just didn’t seem human in their coloring. _Contacts maybe?_ A smattering of freckles dusted along his nose and the tops of his cheeks. Castiel needed to stop staring but he couldn’t help it. The muscle in Dean’s jaw ticked as he was lost in thought and Castiel felt the overwhelming need feel the light stubble that grew there.

When the nurse called Dean’s name the second time with no response, Castiel reached his hand over and placed it on Dean’s jean clad knee, shaking it slightly to grab his attention. Castiel could swear he felt something at the contact, but brushed it off to static in the room. Judging by the way Dean jumped, he felt it too.

 _Yeah, definitely static_.

“They’re calling for you,” Castiel explained when those impossibly green eyes looked at him in question.

“Thanks,” Dean said jumping up quickly. He started to head towards the waiting nurse but paused and looked back at Castiel. He wanted to offer to buy the man coffee, once he knew what was going on with his brother of course, but didn’t want it to sound like he was picking him up. Cause that’s totally not the case. Just two dads talking. Seems legit.

“I can send Charlie back here if you’d like?” He offers instead.

Castiel gives him a sad smile and shakes his head. “No she needs to be with her family.” Dean can see the red in the man’s eyes from the tears that are starting to form, making his own heart clench at the sight. _The fuck, Winchester?_

“Thank you,” Castiel says softly.

“Anytime, Cas.”


	5. Chapter 5

###  Pontiac, Illinois

_ Sammy is okay. Banged up pretty bad, but he’ll be okay. _

That current thought has been running through Dean’s head for the last hour as he sat next to his little brother and watched him sleep. The doctors had given Sam some pretty powerful pain medicine to let him sleep through the pain of a punctured lung, two cracked ribs and a broken clavicle.

“He lucky,” the doctor said at one point. “From what the EMTs said, taking into consideration the condition of the vehicle he was in, they weren’t sure how he was in one piece.”

The bit of information caused Charlie to collapse into Dean’s side. He knew she was blaming herself for this and no matter how many times he tried to tell her it wasn’t her fault, he knew she didn’t believe him.

Dean’s heart broke for her. This had to bring back a slew of memories Charlie had just come to accept. When she was eleven her parents were in an accident that took her father’s life and put her mother in a coma. She always blamed herself for that, said it was her fault because she had called them crying, begging them to come pick her up from the slumber party. When you add in the fact that she offered to meet Sam for dinner, instead of sticking to the plan, the guilt was crushing. 

Dean rolled his head along his shoulders, trying to work the tension out of his neck. He felt impatient and wanted his little brother to wake the fuck up already. He also understood that Sam needed his rest. 

He sighed and slouched down in his chair, stretching his legs out while he watched the traffic outside the door. Various nurses and doctors go about their business. His thoughts wandered to the man in the waiting room again.  _ Is he still waiting? Did they finally let him in to see his daughter? _ Charlie had filled Dean in on Castiel’s story. How a simple nap turned to this horrible night. Dean was glad Charlie was there for the man. It helped both of them, honestly. Charlie was a very good distraction, as Castiel had mentioned, but Dean knew that the feeling was mutual.

After all, isn’t that what Castiel is doing to Dean now? Distracting him from worrying about Sam and his future with Lisa? Dean could feel the slight tug at the left side on his mouth as his lips as a faint trace of a smile perks up. 

He knew it was a coincidence that this guy had the same colored eyes as the ones he dreams about. Honestly, Dean couldn’t say if he would have given Castiel a second glance if they crossed paths any other time. Even thinking that, Dean knows that’s not true. The shock of dark hair, unkempt, falling in his eyes. It’s not fair to say it’s unkempt, for all he knows Castiel has been using his hair to ground himself in his worry. He had a strong set jaw, which seemed to offset the intensity of his eyes. 

A buzzing in his pocket snaps his attention off the mysterious man. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. 

_> > Lil_ _man is OUT! Want to be a doll and do a favor for me?_

He smiles at Charlie’s text. She had offered to take Ben to the waiting room to lay down when the poor kid started to show signs of the late night. 

_ << What’s up doc?  _ He sends back knowing that would make her at least a smile.

_> > Lol Want 2 be an angel for a single dad?_

_ << Are you trying to play match maker, Charlene? _

>>  _Who me? Never! *angel emoji*_

<<  _Good, cause I’m in a relationship_

>>  _R u sure?_

<<  _Well it is unconventional but yes._

<<  _What do you want to me do Charlie?_

>> _Bring Castiel some coffee. I’m sure u could use some 2_

Dean sighs and gets up, quickly memorizing the room number Charlie just sent him. He stretches his arms over his head and takes another look at Sam. He’s gonna be out for a while and the walk to the cafe wouldn’t hurt. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

Castiel stares at his daughter’s sleeping form. Her little hand dwarfed by his as he holds it, his thumb gently stroking hers. They finally called him back an hour ago and the sight of his little girl, so small and fragile in the hospital bed broke him.

She was connected to various devices, a steady stream of beeps and whirls make a soundtrack to the misery playing in Castiel’s thoughts. He wouldn’t wish this on anyone. There is no worse pain than seeing your child in pain and helpless to save them, protect them. After all isn’t that what parents are supposed to do? Protect their children? Keep them from harm? It was an instinct that all parents have. Even the shitty ones that run out on their children. At least that's what he wanted to believe. 

Maybe he was destined to be like his father, to fail at everything he does. He failed at medical school. He failed his marriage. He failed Claire. Fuck, he even failed at suicide. Twice.

There’s a soft knock at the door and Castiel expects it to be one of the nurses or Charlie, but is surprised to see Dean standing there with a cup in each hand.

“Charlie mentioned that you liked caramel, so I had them add it instead of sugar,” Dean says, leaning against the door frame. Castiel is at a loss for words. He knew that Charlie had offered to get him coffee, but Dean’s presence was unexpected.

Dumbly, Castiel says, “Yes. Caramel.”

“Do you mind?” Dean asks, motioning towards the bed.

“Not at all, please.” Castiel looks back at Claire, raising her hand to his lips before kissing it and gently placing it back on the bed.

“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting company. Amelia won’t be here until sometime tomorrow.” Castiel felt the need to explain why his coat and tie were thrown into the other chair.

“Amelia?” Dean asks, handing Castiel his coffee.

“My ex. Claire’s mother.”

“Oh.” Dean looks over at Claire causing Castiel to feel anxious.

“She’s three. She loves  _ My Little Pony _ and  _ Harry Potter _ even though she doesn’t understand it.” Castiel rambles. “She always says ‘daddy’ when Harry is on the screen.” He laughs softly, feeling Dean’s eyes on him.

Dean chuckles. “It’s the hair. I bet if you wore glasses it would be a complete look.”

Castiel feels his face warm up. “I actually do, when I’m working. Contacts are a bitch with fine print.”

“Oh dear God, don’t let Charlie know or she’ll force you to be the Harry to her Ginny.”

“Oh, I was under the impression that Charlie would prefer Hermione to Harry.”

Dean chuckles again and nods as he pulls the second chair closer to Castiel. Castiel can see him calculating in his head and opts to keep the chair at the foot of the bed. “Oh yeah, she’s totally a ball player for that team. She just gets irritated that I have the ‘wrong’ type of hair to cosplay with her.”

Castiel nods and looks back at Claire. The two men are silent, sipping their coffee, letting their thoughts run silently in their heads. 

“The seizure,” Castiel finally says. “They said it was a grand mal…” he stops himself and takes a shaky breath. “They’ve done CT scans, EEGs, blood work.” He looks down at the cup in his hands. “She had two more before they let me back here. Not the grand mal… partial or something, I don’t really remember. They said it could be an infection in her brain.”

He can hear Dean’s sharp intake of breath. “Jesus, Cas.”

“The doctor seems confident that it's something we can manage with medication. Tried to say if it was an infection that they could easily kill it.”

“And if it’s not?” Castiel could hear the hesitation in Dean’s voice.

“Epilepsy medication can help prevent future events.”

Dean looks down at his cup of coffee, unsure of what to say to Castiel. He feels as if anything he says is just lip service and thinks that Castiel deserves more than that.

They sit in silence, watching the little girl's chest rise and fall in her sleep. Periodically, she would whimper and Castiel would reach for her hand, a gentle comfort that makes the child fall back into a peaceful slumber.  

“She was a premie,” Castiel says softly. His voice sounds weird to him, not using it in the last hour and keeping himself from breaking down in front of the strange man. “I called her my little peanut for the longest time. Turns out she has a peanut allergy. Didn’t seem right to call her that anymore.”

Dean offers Castiel a small smile. “Ben’s allergic to strawberries. Damn kid loves them though. My aunt Ellen used to grow them and when Benji broke out in hives one summer playing in her strawberry patches, she harvested them all and ripped out the rest. Didn’t want to kill the only grandchild she’ll have.”

“He eats them?” Castiel asked curious.

Dean nods, “Yeah, he can eat them, we just have to watch it cause he can break out in hives. His doctor told Lisa,” he notices the question on Castiel’s face. “Lisa’s his mom. She says that the doctor said there is a possibility that the allergy can worsen if he continues to ingest them.”

“How long have you been married, if you don’t mind me asking.”

Dean scoffs and shakes his head. “Not married. Benji was,” he pulls his bottom lip into his mouth and chews on it, carefully thinking about his words. “He was a happy accident from a weekend fling?”

“Ah,” Castiel answers. “You’re a noble man, stepping up to be an active father.”

“Well, I have my own daddy issues to deal with. Don’t need to saddle my son with those.”

“I know a thing or two about daddy issues, as you said.”

Dean leans forward in his seat, resting his forearms on his knees to lean closer to Castiel. “Yeah? I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”

Castiel huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. “Perhaps that it a conversation needed over copious amounts of alcohol.”

“Copious?” Dean winces. “Ouch.” Castiel only nods.

Their conversation drifts from fathers to mothers. Dean paints a picture of his mom that actually makes Castiel’s heart ache from the loss of what he could have had with his own. Unfortunately, when his father had left, his mother had become a different person, getting herself more wrapped up into the church and eventual marrying his step-father Zachariah. Again, that was for another time and place.

Dean would periodically check his phone to see if Charlie had sent any texts. When he realized it was a little past midnight he dreaded leaving Castiel but knew he had to get back to Sam. Their cups were empty long ago and somehow his chair wound up next to Castiel’s. He looked over at the guy and saw his eyes closed. The exhaustion was obvious in his features. 

You should check on Sam, Dean.” Castiel said softly, his knee brushing against Dean’s as he shifted his leg.

“Yeah. Try to get some sleep.” Dean pats his leg before standing up. Sleepy blue eyes look at him and nods.

“Thank you, for the coffee and for talking with me,” Castiel says softly, watching Dean from the corner of his eye as he stretches his arms above his head. His sleep addled brain starts running wild with images of what he would love to do to the hint of hip bones showing as Dean’s shirt combined with low hanging jeans, exposes them. 

“No thanks needed, Cas.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna through this warning up now. The next couple of chapters are where the suicidal thoughts and action warnings come into play. I tried not to get too graphic in the details and respect those of us who are recovering cutters/suffer from the same thoughts and tendencies. 
> 
> If you are in the same boat as me, know that you are loved and not alone. I'm always available for chat or a shoulder to cry on/vent too ♥

###  Battle Creek, Michigan

Sammy was released from the hospital the day after he was admitted. Charlie followed Dean back home almost as if things hadn’t happened and plans were never changed. Dean tried his hardest not to be overbearing with Sam as time wore on, but old habits die hard and unfortunately no one was spared when Dean was in a mood.

Lisa wasn’t helping matters. She was testy around Charlie - a fact that pissed Dean off to no end - as if she was the reason Dean wouldn’t take the relationship further. Luckily, Lisa had watched herself around Sam. This didn’t mean that they didn’t fight. They fought constantly. Usually it would end up with the two of them shouting at each other in the garage, away from Ben or with Charlie swooping in and taking Ben out of the house. Both Sam and Charlie had tried to intervene, calm it down, but that would just make things escalate further. 

Finally they had both had enough. Dean refused to let Ben see them fighting and he refused to continue hurting Lisa. He packed up what he had and crashed in a dive motel for a few weeks until he had found a place of his own. He was tempted to go back to South Dakota, where his Uncle Bobby lived. Being near family might help. Hell, he even entertained the idea of going back to Kansas but knew the memories of past would make every much more worse than it was. The biggest factor that made him stay in Michigan was Ben.

So he and Sam had went house searching. Sam was convinced that once his tour was over he would move in with Dean and help out with the expenses wherever they landed. Dean repeatedly told him that it was completely unnecessary as he had saved a lot living with Lisa. That was one of the perks about growing up the way they had, Dean learned the value of a dollar - not having one - fairly quickly.

For Dean, his only true saving grace for not completely losing his shit was Castiel. Charlie had forced them to exchange numbers before Sam was discharged and Dean was grateful that she stuck her nose where it didn’t belong for once. It was through these nightly text messages that he would either learn something new from Castiel’s life or laugh in a way he hadn’t in years. Of course, Dean had shared information about himself as well and constantly found a reason to tease Castiel. Slowly these conversations were building a friendship between the two men. 

Finally, Dean and Sam had found what they considered to be the  _ perfect _ house. A quaint three bedroom, complete with two and half baths, an open kitchen to the dining room and spacious living room. It also had a detached garage. The garage was a huge selling point for Sam, as it had a separate apartment above it, two bedrooms, a small kitchen and bathroom. As much crap as Dean would give Sam about mooching off him, he was glad to find something that would give Sammy his own space. Naturally, Sam insisted that he would be paying rent to Dean. Dean agreed only after deciding that Sam’s money would be going into a savings account for Ben. The kid is eventually going to need a car and hopefully would like to go to college some day. 

Dean was officially a proud owner of his first home the day before his thirty-first birthday. The best part is it was across town and Lisa had agreed to let him have Ben when she had to work and every other weekend.

Dean hadn’t officially moved in yet, he wanted to put some finishing touches on a few rooms. For example the master bathroom had counters that looked like an avocado jizzed all over the counters. Formica in the ugly green and wood paneling on the walls. Dean shuddered at the thought and was thankful that he was in construction. This room could wait though, as well as the kitchen - wallpapered with fucking roosters everywhere and again formica and yellowed linoleum - his main concern was the bedrooms and all the floors. He didn’t like the orangish brown shag carpeting or the colors on the wall of what would be Ben’s room. Another strange thing the original owners had was that same yellowed linoleum throughout the house. Like they wanted to try for tile but didn’t want the price or work. 

Charlie had come back to Michigan to help Dean out as Sam was still recovering. With her help he was temporarily housed in a three bedroom apartment on a month to month lease so that when he was done he could leave. Charlie kept dropping hints that she might just relocate to the dwelling permanently. A perk of working for herself, she laughed when Dean tried to protest that she had a good job in Illinois.

With Charlie’s help - and on weekends, Ben’s - Dean was able to get the new flooring into the house. He had intended to just do the main rooms and bedrooms with the dark hardwood floor, but the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to put new flooring in the two guest bathrooms too. Once that was done, he was able to focus more on Ben’s room. Sam was able to do some painting, thank God his dominant arm still worked and since he was tall and that kept Dean from having to get on the damned ladder. Go ahead and laugh it up, Dean was scared of heights and even though he walked through scaffolding and over roof frames on a daily basis, it still scared the shit out of him. At home he isn’t secured like he is at work. Last thing he needed was to break his freaking neck.

On the night that they finished Ben’s room, they all sat outside on the back patio, various mismatched chairs around a plastic pop-up table that Dean had for fishing. The adults had a beer in their hands, Ben with his junior beer - A&W root beer, of course. Dean sighed contentedly. Finally things were coming together and he had something he could call home. The smile on his son’s face as he talked excitedly with Sam was enough to let Dean know he had done the right thing.

Charlie’s laugh grabs his attention as he looked over at her staring at her phone. 

“What’s so funny?” Dean asks.

“Hold on, the gang wants to say hi,” she says to her phone.

“No! Charlie!” a gruff voice practically shouts through the speaker. Charlie ignores it and turns the phone to Dean. Dean bites his tongue from laughing at the image on the screen. There is Castiel, his normally floppy hair streaked with white, wearing a frilly pink apron.

“Heya, Cas,” Dean says.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel responds trying to straighten his apron.

“What are you doing?” At this Charlie turns the phone so that Sam can see. Sam doesn’t hold back his laughter and Ben follows shortly. Graciously, Sam decides he wants to battle his nephew to a game up in his apartment, leaving Charlie and Dean alone with Castiel.

“For your information, Claire Bear and I are making pies.” Castiel informs them. As if on cue, the little blond girl giggles and repeats the word apple.

“Pie?” 

Charlie groans. “You’re in trouble, Castiel. That’s like se-” she bites her lip remembering that Claire is still fairly young as Dean snickers. “That is like s-e-x,” she spells, “to Dean.”

Dean nods so Castiel can see. “It’s true. Ever want me to do something, promise me pie.”

Castiel chuckles and the faint pink on his face doesn’t escape Dean’s notice. “I’ll remember that.” He helps Claire ladle the apple mixture from a bowl. “So what are the three stooges up to this evening?” 

“Just got Ben’s room done. I believe Dean is ready to start moving in this weekend,” Charlie informs, pride written all over her face.

Dean nods. “Yep. Figured I can deal with my bathroom and the kitchen while we’re living here. Luckily Sammy likes everything about his apartment so there’s nothing to deal with there.”

“That’s wonderful, Dean!” Castiel smiles widely. “I know you were itching to get in there.” Again Dean nods, taking a drink of his beer. “What’s left of the bathroom and kitchen?” Castiel asks.

“Oh shit! I haven’t shown you, yet!” Dean jumps up and holds a hand out for Charlie’s phone. He can hear Claire mutter something sounding like ‘shit’ and he cringes, this time Charlie snickers. “Sorry, Cas.”

“No it’s alright. She’s actually learned that one from me. It’s the S.O.B. that she repeated in front of my in-laws that is your doing.”

“You taught her  _ sonovabitch _ ?” Charlie whispers.

“It slipped when we were talking one night. I forgot that he had me on speaker,” Dean says with a shrug. Charlie just rolls her eyes and hands Dean her phone.

“Hey, if you want to change the camera to the rear facing, click the camera icon in the upper right. That way you’ll see what Castiel is seeing.” She says leaning her head back against her chair. 

Dean nods and looks into the phone. “Never thought you were so domestic, Cas. With the pie making and the frilly little apron,” he teases as he steps through the sliding glass door into the kitchen.

Castiel huffs a laugh. “Well, I think pink is more your color.”

This time Dean’s the one with a pink face. “Shut up,” he mutters. “All right, so you’re about to see the kitchen.”

Dean turns the orientation so that Castiel can get a better view. He starts with the floor explaining that it was already replaced. Castiel gives his approval and mentions that the yellow cabinets definitely do not go with the dark wood.

“Right! Charlie said I was insane.” He then moves the camera to the counters and snickers at Castiel’s gag noise. “But wait! There’s more!!” Dean says in an exaggerated voice like a late night infomercial and pans to the roster covered wallpaper.

“That’s a lot of cock.”

That makes Dean laugh hysterically. “Have fun explaining that one, Cas.” Dean then explains his plans to redo the cabinets - a dark wood like the floors, the counters - granite of course, and walls - he was thinking of a tiled backsplash to help make grease clean up easier but it still wavering on that idea. 

“New appliances?” Cas asks

“Yeah,” Dean answers flipping the camera back to him. “I was thinking that the newer appliances would go better with the overall look.” He gives a small shrug and watches as Cas nods in agreement. 

“The living room isn’t much, but I’ll show it if you’d like.”

Cas laughs. “Yes, I want a full tour so that way I can see the difference when it’s done.” Something about the way Castiel says that makes Dean’s heart flutter for some reason. 

“Alright then,” he easily taps the camera icon and slowly sweeps across the living room.

“I really like the openness.” Castiel points out. “Easy to entertain, whether you have company in the dining room or living room, you can still be a part of the conversation from the kitchen.”

Dean laughs and shakes his head. “Yeah, that was my thought process too. It’ll make the holidays easier. 

When Dean pans over the bay window he can hear Castiel’s intake of breath. “You like that?” he asks moving the phone back to the window.

“It’s beautiful.”

Dean laughs again. “Sammy claimed it as his reading area when he’s over. Naturally, Charlie said he’s gonna have to fight her for it.”

“It’s also a fantastic place to put a Douglas Fir at Christmas.” 

“That’s the only kind to have,” Dean agrees.

“Don’t repaint it. I know you’re trying to go for the remodel look but I think it’s imperative that this remains weathered.”

“I don’t know, Cas. I have to do some work around the window itself. Not wood rot but definitely a leak somewhere.”

“Oh no, of course you have to do something about the window. I mean the bench and the bookcases underneath.”

Dean frowns and looks at the chipped white paint. “We’ll see.”

Dean moves on to show Castiel the rest of the house. He seems to have liked everything else Dean has done and even offers some advice. Castiel was impressed with what he had done with Ben’s room.

The boy is fascinated with all things cars and astrology so after talking, they decided to do something to incorporate both. At first when Dean had explained their idea to Sam and Charlie, they teased Dean, saying that he was pushing his love for his own car onto his son. Dean and Ben were both adamant in their refusal of that. In the end, Ben wound up with a room that had been painted black with silver - or ask Ben called, chrome - crown molding. Dean had found the front end of a ‘67 Impala that needed work but he was able to fix that right up and place that at the foot of Ben’s bed. The black sheet and comforter gave the illusion to the front end of the Impala.

“How did you get the astrology part in there?” Castiel asks.

“Hopefully this shows,” Dean says with a laugh as he shuts the light off. He can see with his own eyes the splatter of luminescent light along the walls and floor. “Do you see it?” Why he was asking in a whisper, he didn’t know. 

“With you moving it looks like shooting stars.” Dean smiles at Castiel’s voice. 

“Sammy is going to put a few constellations up on the ceiling.”

“Ben will love it.”

Dean moved on to show the other bathroom as well as the guest room. Both were sparsely decorated but the work he had done was obvious. 

“The best part,” Dean states as he walks through the guest room, “is this.” He moves the camera over to a pair of French Doors. 

“What is that?” Castiel asks. 

“A spare room. You should have seen Charlie’s face when we found it. Cause I swear I bought a three bedroom, not a four.”

“How did you miss it in your walk through?” 

Dean laughs. “When I did it with the Realtor, the original owner had things in the house still. This was hidden by a huge China Cabinet.

“In a bedroom?” Castiel snickers.

“Yeah, the old lady had a bunch of dolls in it. Creeped me out. Anyway, I was thinking if you and Claire ever came to visit, it’s perfect cause you guys would have space.”

“Is that an invitation?”

Dean was glad that Castiel couldn’t see his face at the moment, but he was also thankful that he could see the look of shock that smoothly transitioned to happiness with a hint of something else, that was on Castiel’s face.

“You’ve always got a place with me, Cas.”

 

* * *

 

###  Pontiac, Illinois

Castiel looked at the summons on his desk. He understood the gist of the paper but didn’t understand why. What had sparked Amelia into feeling like she needed to do this? Wasn’t it enough that he only gets Claire maybe two or three days a month instead of the weekends as it was before. He was even supposed to have her this weekend but no, Amelia wanted to take her to Disneyland with Raphael where they can ‘bond as a family unit’ before the wedding. 

He fought that as hard as he could. Trying to convince Amelia that taking Claire was not a good idea, especially for her safety. He even went as far as looking up how many rides advised against those prone to seizures. Honestly he felt like there was only one ride that would be okay and even that left him uneasy. Of course, Amelia was prepared for it, asked Claire's neurologist and got the okay and a medical alert bracelet. Castiel still was uneasy about the whole situation.

The minute Amelia came back from her trip and stepped foot into Claire’s hospital room, he felt the shift. Clearly changes were going to be made, changes that he wouldn’t like, but he trusted Amelia enough to know and do what was right for their child. 

It didn’t make the quiet nights any better. The burn in his chest when he would walk past Claire’s room would grow into a mind numbing pain. Some mornings he would find himself asleep on the floor near her toddler bed. Other times he would stumble drunkenly around the apartment. He once thought his place too small compared to the two story home he once shared with Amelia, however in the nights of inebriated stupor, the quiet, the space, all of it was too loud.

Then there were the dreams. They were the same as they had been before. The damn green eyes staring at him, beckoning him, making his heart race in a way it hadn’t ever. But they were so different now. Now there was a hint of freckles across the cheeks and nose. An dirty blond eyebrow that would question him teasingly before his body was alight with fire. This usually resulted with waking up either rutting into the mattress or with his cock achingly hard with need, either way, his body covered in sweat and a much needed shower to follow. 

He knew why these new features where showing in his dream. They started to show themselves the night he first met Dean. His therapist says that he is adding these features because there is a combined interest in the new man. That he has awakened something that Castiel has long since hidden. Castiel thinks it’s just psycho babble bullshit and wonders if he should keep going to his appointments. 

The one thing he couldn’t give up on was Dean. It’s not like he depended on the slight midwestern drawl that mixed in with the baritone of his voice. Or the way that he would smile or tease him about some pop culture reference he didn’t get. No, he just liked having a friend. Sure he was easy on the eyes, but Castiel would swear to this day that he is not sexually attracted to him. And that it is not  _ his _ eyes in the dreams that make him wake up like he was a teen again.

His calls to Dean, whether they were the old fashioned calls, or skype calls, helped keep him grounded. Focused. Dean was a lifeline when he felt the familiar itch of failure seeping into this thoughts. The familiar voices telling him that he was a waste and was just taking up people’s time for nothing. He would never tell Dean this, but too many times when Dean would call and demand he get on skype, he had stopped Castiel from grabbing the blade.

He knew Dean had seen the scars from his last failed attempt. It was obvious that night in the hospital when he had rolled up his sleeves and took his watch off. Castiel always wore a watch on the left, as the rosary tattoo covered up most of the scar on the right. Dean hadn’t mentioned the scars but he did mention the tattoo.

_ “Rosary, huh? Catholic?” _

_ “Formerly, yes. This was for my ex, though.” _

Castiel had been raised into a Catholic home. Even though his father had left shortly after Castiel’s second birthday, his mother quickly moved on with Zachariah Adler, who thrust them into church never to look back. When Castiel was just shy of his sixteenth birthday, his stepfather shamed him for looking at other men. He told him that he was a person of sin who didn’t deserve to be in the kingdom of Heaven. For Castiel, these words, words of hate spewed from the only father figure he had, etched their way into his very core. His cousin Michael found him that night, a bottle of vodka and empty bottle of sleeping pills next to him.

If it hadn’t been for Michael, forcing Castiel to vomit as he waited for the paramedics, Castiel is sure that he would have died as he had intended to. For years, Michael did everything in his power to make sure Castiel was okay. Now that he looks back on it, he appreciates it, especially when Michael didn’t have the obligation to do so.

Castiel tried to use this new chance at life to make things better. He focused more on his studies, deciding that the wanted to help others and wanted to study pre-med. Shortly he started going to the University of Illinois and was introduced to a different kind of lifestyle with the help of his cousin Gabriel and roommate Balthazar. 

That was a whole other story. 

“Wait, how did you meet Amelia?” Dean asked during one conversation when Castiel was extra wordy thanks to the whiskey he had ingested earlier.

“Church,” he laughed.

“Seriously? Was it like a Catholic singles mixer?” Dean teased lightly.

“No, I had dropped out of college after,” he paused not sure he was ready to tell Dean about the sordid breakup and how weak he was at that time. “Some things happened. I was trying to prove to my parents that I wasn’t as big of a fuck up as they thought and started to do more with the church. That’s when I met the Deacon’s daughter, Amelia.”

“Ahh.”

“Yes, ‘ahh.’”

Amelia made Castiel forget his problems and his horrible mental health issues. She didn’t even like talking about those things to be honest. Demons, she had called them, did not deserve to be spoken on an angel’s tongue. Castiel didn’t understand why she would say that, after all, by this time he was known as Jimmy to most. 

Castiel looks back at the summons on his desk and feels the familiar itch to make things easier on everyone. The itch to disappear. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, tigger warning for those who are former/current cutters, suffer from suicidal tendencies. I tried to be as respectful as possible and had to open up some of my own demons for this chapter. 
> 
> Again, please remember that you are not alone, you are loved and I am here for you if needed ♥

###  Battle Creek, Michigan

Dean was cleaning up the dishes from lunch. Charlie made some weird ass Frito and chili casserole thing and he made her swear never to do again. It was definitely college level cooking, which she had not mastered yet. 

He was chuckling to himself, scraping the remnants off of the pan when Charlie came running in from outside. 

“Dean,” she grabs his attention and hands him the phone. He can see the worry on her face.

“What?” Dean asks taking the phone from her, she just shakes her head runs back outside.

Dean looks at the number on the phone but doesn’t recognize it. “Hello?”

“Is this Dean?” a voice asks. It’s male, that much he could tell but he had no clue as to why they would be calling Charlie’s phone asking for him.

“Who is this?”

“Dean, this is Gabriel. I don’t know if my cousin-”

“Short guy, loves porn and sweets?” Dean fills in, knowing that the guy was about to say Castiel doesn’t talk about him.

“Yeah,” he gives a sad laugh. “Thankfully, Jimmy did fill you in.”

“Castiel,” Dean corrects.

“Yes, one in the same.”

“No, I’m saying I don’t know him as that Jimmy guy his dick bag of a stepdad and ex wife wanted him to be.”

“Ah,” Gabriel sounds impressed. “Good to know he lets someone call him Castiel finally.”

“Is he okay?” Dean finally asks, the worry seeping into his tone.

“Depends on who you ask. You’re based in Michigan, correct?” What the hell was that supposed to mean.

“Yes.”

“How far are you from the airport?”

“I don’t fly.”

Gabriel laughs. “Well hopefully not, unless you had wings we didn’t know about that. I can get a private jet to-”

“No,” Dean cuts in again. “I don’t fly. Period. I can get to Pontiac in four hours, maybe less, but I won’t fly.”

He can hear Gabriel mutter something under his breath then there’s a sounds as if the phone is being shifted against fabric. Dean can hear the muffled sounds of Gabriel’s voice and another male. They seemed to be arguing about something.

“Dean?” A new voice comes on, deeper and much more authoritative than Gabriel’s.

“Yeah, and you are?” 

“My apologies. I’m Michael Cohen, Castiel’s cousin.”  _ Oh crap _ . Dean knows that name because Castiel had confessed his past suicide attempts and how Michael had always shown up like angel saving his life every time. Dean didn’t know how many times exactly, but he knew enough to know that if Michael is there, this really isn’t good.

“Where’s Cas?”

Michael sighs. “Currently he’s at Pontiac General. They are talking of moving him to the state hospital depending on how his stay here goes.”

“What happened?”

“Dean, honestly this isn’t something I would want to share over the telephone. I know that you are important to my cousin, seeing as he had you as his emergency contact and not Gabriel, myself or Amelia.”

“Why would he have that bitch as an emergency contact?” Dean spat out. 

“Yes, why indeed. Dean, I understand that you have an aversion to flying. I feel though, it would be best for Castiel if you were here before they decide to send him to state for further observation. Perhaps seeing a friendly face will get him to talk.”

“Did he...” Dean’s voice breaks off as if the words were unwilling to leave his chest.

By now both Sam and Charlie had entered the house watching Dean as if they were expecting a nuclear warhead to go off. 

“Dean,” Michael’s voice was almost pleading with him. “Please reconsider your aversion.”

“I-I uh- Kalamazoo international is-”  _ Shit, how far was that from here?  _ Dean screams internally

“Less than thirty minutes,” Charlie adds.

“I can be there in under thirty,” Dean watches as Sam runs through the kitchen and living room.

There’s an audible sigh from the other line. “Excellent. Gabriel’s plane has been waiting for you. As soon as you’re there, the wheels will go up. Thank you. We will see you soon.” 

Dean handed the phone back to Charlie who wrapped him into a tight hug.

“He’s gonna be okay,” she mumbles into his chest. 

“Yeah,” Dean says softly, holding onto Charlie just as tight. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

###  Pontiac, Illinois

Castiel watches as his cousin Michael paces in front of the bed. Even from where he lays in the uncomfortable bed, he can see the tension and stress rolling off of Michael. Out of his cousins, this was the one that looked more like the brother Castiel never had. He was just over six foot, short dark hair, hazel eyes and broad shoulders. He held himself rigid, to anyone else he looked as if he didn’t know how to relax. To Castiel it wasn’t his posture that was cold, and intimidating, it was the look on his face.

Finally Michael stops at the foot of the bed. He looks at his watch then looks at Castiel. Castiel’s body tenses at the sight of Michael’s face. He can usually hide any emotion that he is feeling, that is what makes him great at his job as the district attorney, but to see the crumpled look he carries now, the hurt - it’s all too much for Castiel.

“I’m sorry,” Castiel says a hair above a whisper. His throat is raw and has a coppery taste to it.  _ From where they forced you to vomit _ , he reminds himself.

“I don’t know if I can keep saving you, Castiel.” Michael finally says. Placing his hands on to the handles on the foot of the bed.

“No one ever asked you to,” Castiel mutters, picking at the lint that isn’t there on the sheet over him.

“So I’m supposed to let you die? Is that it, Castiel? Let Zachariah win all those years ago? Or how about the thing with Balth? Yes, I know you dropped out because you couldn’t handle being near him after his indiscretions. Or how about the time Amelia asked for the divorce? Did you want Claire to end up like you? Without her father? With some pompous asshole raising her?”

Castiel flinches at Michael’s words. Not used to hearing him swear. He looks out the window as the burning in his eyes builds up. Michael’s words sting, yes, but they aren’t unfounded.

“It’s happening that way regardless. I don’t deserve anything. I’m just a disgusting  _ fag _ .”

“No!” Michael growls out, slapping Castiel in the foot, making him look at him. “You are not disgusting, nor are you a fag. Stop it.”

Castiel chuckles darkly even though it hurts. “Balth is your friend, Mike. Just ask him. He’ll tell you how I love to suck dick. How I begged for his dick and gladly bit the pillow for him.”

“What does this have to do with Amelia? Because she left you when she found out that you were attracted to both female and male bod-” He glares at Castiel who tries to say something. “Come off it, Castiel. You’re bisexual, not diseased. For all we know God is too!”

Castiel’s eyebrows jumped to his hairline as he bites back a laugh. “God? Seriously, Michael?”

A small, joker-type smile, graces Michael’s face. “Who are we to know? The point is, you can’t let them tell you that you’re not perfect, Castiel. I remember your dad. You look just like him, you know?” Castiel shook his head. He had never seen pictures of his father. He watched his cousin move closer and sit in the plastic chair beside him.

“You do. Naomi can say you have her eyes all she wants but it’s bullshit. You are your father’s image. I think that’s why Zachariah treats you the way he does, maybe even your mother. But there is nothing wrong with you. Amelia is a fucking prude and she can get the stick out of her ass.”

Castiel looks away again and stares out the window. This time the tears are falling from his eyes, streams of warmth against cold cheeks. His right hand idly traces along the bandage on his left arm. Thirty-seven stitches now lay underneath, itching, begging to be scratched. He had forgotten that he had planned to go to lunch with both Michael and their cousin Gabriel. After receiving the notice from Amelia’s lawyer, he didn’t want to feel any more. He fought against himself to call Dean, deciding Dean didn’t need to deal with his shit and found a liquor store and drank it. He also decided to take all of his Ativan - a newly filled monthly supply, mind you - and took the razor to his arm. The last part, was only supposed to be enough to numb him until the pills kicked in. 

This time it wasn’t Michael that found him. Gabriel did. His sweet, fun loving, jovial cousin had witnessed the scene in the kitchen. From what he’s been told, Gabe was the one to hold him and tell him it was going to be okay while Michael called for the ambulance. As always, judging by Gabe’s absence, Castiel ruined someone else that cared for him.

“Is this about Dean?” Michael asks softly. Castiel’s eyes flick to him then back to the window. “You care about him, don’t you?”

“He’s a friend. We’re both dads. We talk.” Castiel leaves it at that.

“Well, he must care about you.” Castiel rolls his eyes in response. “Otherwise why would he agree to get on a plane for you, when he is clearly afraid of them?”

This grabs Castiel’s attention. “Excuse me?” he asks. 

“I guess that’s something you can ask him when he gets here,” Michael gives him a knowing smile.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

The flight out to Illinois wasn’t as bad as Dean had imagined it. Then again, because it was such a short of a flight, by the time he realized they were in the air, they were touching down again. Either way, Dean was just glad to be out of that fucking tin can.

Gabriel was not who Dean expected at all. When Castiel had described the guy, he thought for sure he would be some obese dude that was balding and attached to an IV of insulin for his diabetes. Gabriel was in fact the opposite of that. He had to be not much older than Castiel, standing at about five four with a full head of golden blond hair.

Blessedly, Gabriel didn’t bother with trying to make small talk once they were in the car. He did, however, fill Dean in on Castiel’s situation. Dean knew that he was fighting some sort of inner demons, Dean recognized the signs. He just didn’t know to the extent of Castiel’s inner torture. 

Apparently, two days ago, Gabriel and Michael had come to Castiel’s place looking for him after he had missed their scheduled lunch date. That’s where they had found their cousin covered in his own blood, the empty bottles of vodka, and empty pill bottle. He was serious about checking out and this realization not only scared his cousins, but Dean as well. 

When Dean tried to ask questions about why or how long have they been worried this was going to happen, Gabriel would deflect them, pointing out something in the scenery around them or mentioning something about the shitty song that was on. It was obvious he didn’t want to answer the question or felt that he didn’t have a right to tell him.

“Then why tell me at all?” Dean finally asked enraged.

“Look, Dean-o,” Gabriel looked at him briefly at a red light. “Clearly, you mean something to my little cousin. What you are to him, only he knows. I wanted to tell you what you were getting into before we got there. The court already ruled that he is not ready to be by himself or others at this time. That’s why they are moving him to the state hospital. He’s required by law to participate in group as well as individual therapies. This week is going to be rough on him. He needs you, even if he won’t admit it.”

Dean leaned his head against the headrest. “How do you know that? I’m just some guy he talks to on the phone.”

“He doesn’t have many friends, Dean.” Gabriel says sadly. “If he trusts you enough to have you as the emergency contact, there’s more to it then he’s letting on. You may not be a switch hitter but he is.”

Dean nodded, catching what Gabriel was implying about Castiel’s sexual orientation. He knew that Castiel had a previous relationship with a man. Something that slipped out during a drunk dial Castiel did one night. Of course that was also the night that Dean admitted his own sordid past with a friend in high school to Sam. 

“Just, I don’t know. Get him to talk. Explain why he was trying to buy another one way ticket six feet under will ya?”

“I’ll try.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

When they got to the hospital, Gabriel introduced Dean to Michael who then explained that while Castiel may not seem very there, not to let the glazed look fool him. 

“Sadly, Castiel has been on various medications since he was ten. He’s learned to function enough on them that you’d never know he was medicated as heavily he is,” Michael explains.

Dean rubs his palms along his jeans, trying desperately to get the sweat off and settle his nerves.

“Can he have coffee?” he asks lamely.

Michael shakes his head. “Not right now, his throat is still irritated from the charcoal. They are giving him water and ice chips.” Dean tries to hide his discomfort at the mention of the charcoal. He had his stomach pumped when he was younger, the EMTs trying to avoid further alcohol poisoning so he was familiar with the feeling. 

“Give me a minute, will you?” Dean asks. Michael and Gabriel both nod giving each other looks that clearly means the brothers are having some silent conversation. Now he knows how Charlie feels when he does it with Sam.

He walks over the nurse’s station and smiles at the petite nurse with brightly colored hair. “Miss?” he asks getting her attention.

“Yes, sir?”

“Do you mind if I get a cup of ice chips. My friend, he is addicted to the shit, as much as it drives me insane.” He lies smoothly, surprised his old charm seems to be working. 

She gives him a kind smile but the dancing in her brown eyes, tells him that she’s not really buying his bullshit. “Of course. You didn’t have to come out here, you could have had your friend call the nurse’s station himself.”

“Right…” he trails off trying to look at her name on her badge. “Kristy. I was on my way back into his room and remembered that he ate the last of them before I went for coffee.”

“No problem,” she said with a brighter smile and went to fulfill his request. When she handed him the cup full of ice her eyes flitted to the visitor sticker on his chest. “Oh, you must be Dean. Mr. Cohen said you’ll be staying with his cousin tonight?” she asked as if to clarify.

“Guilty. Yeah, figured he needed a friendly face tonight,” he said with a wink. “Thanks for the ice. Cas will be grateful.”

“No problem, Dean.” 

He headed back toward Castiel’s room where both the cousins looked at him with questions in their eyes.

Dean just shrugged and motioned to the cup. “Kind of our thing. It’s a long story.” Neither men said anything as he pushed into the room.

The privacy curtain was pulled across, a faint light behind it. The room was too quiet and seemed almost unnatural. He stepped a bit further in, unsure if he should call out to Castiel but also unwilling to wake him if he was sleeping.

“I know you’re standing there, I can see your shoes,” Castiel called out. His normally gravelly voice sounding strained from the effort.

Dean took it as an invitation and poked his head around the curtain. “Hiya, Cas.” 

“Dean,” he breathed his name as if it was the last thing he expected to have cross his lips. Dean chuckled softly as Castiel suddenly became aware of his physical appearance and tried to fix his hair.

“You look like shit, Cas.”

“Thank you, Captain Obvious. I feel like shit.”

Dean handed him the cup of ice and shrugged when Castiel looked at it question. “Couldn’t get you the caramel coffee, but I figured this would do.”

Castiel took the cup and smiled at him. “I think it’s customary to bring the ill cards with well wishes, balloons, flowers, or stuffed animals.”

“Well, shit. I left my wallet in Michigan, so I guess you get an IOU,” Dean teased and sat down in the chair next to Castiel’s bed. He looked away from his friend when he started to suck on the ice and took a look over him. The only obvious signs that something was wrong was the IV attached to his right hand and the bandage that covered the inside of his left arm.  _ He was bleeding, like a lot of fucking blood, man _ , Gabriel’s voice rang in his ears.

“No. I want coffee, forget the other shit,” Castiel said over a mouth full of ice. 

“Deal.” Dean could feel Castiel’s eyes on him but he tried to focus on other things like the bags of fluid hanging from the pole by the bed. The way the heart monitor next to him showed the steady rhythm of his heart rate. Anything but the fact that someone he’s started to consider as his best friend laying in the bed because of a failed suicide attempt. He wanted to ask him what happened, why did he do it, why didn’t he just call Dean. Questions that he know would probably upset Castiel but hell he wanted to slap him and get that glazed look out of his eyes too.

“Thirty-seven stitches,” Castiel says finally, popping another piece of ice in his mouth. “The last time I had that many I fractured my tibia and they needed to reset it.”

“How did you manage that?” Dean wasn’t sure to which he was asking.

“The leg? Got in a kicking war with Gabe. We were nine,” he explains with a shrug. “This however,” he points at the bandage. “Box cutter,” he says making it sound as if he just told Dean he needed to get milk from the store. That makes Dean flinch at the acceptance with which Castiel says it.

“Vodka, huh?” Dean asks, changing the subject but keeping them on the path of what happened. Castiel just shrugs again. “Thought you swore it off?” Dean recalls a brief mention of Castiel’s dislike of the liquor.

Castiel laughs. “Well when you want something to take the edge off, vodka is a good start,” he jokes using a fluent Russian accent.

“It’s not funny, Cas,” Dean says softly looking down at his own hands clasped between his knees. 

He can hear Castiel sigh and set the cup down. “What do you expect me to say, Dean? Obviously, I’m weak. Obviously, I’m fucked up. I can’t keep my marriage, I can’t protect my daughter, I can’t even fucking keep her!” Dean looks up at him as Castiel starts to shout at him. “Fuck! I can’t even kill myself correctly! You should just get back in the car and go back to your happy little family and your perfect little life. Forget that you ever met me, Dean.” Castiel blinks rapidly before turning his head from Dean.

“That’s such bullshit, Cas! You are an amazing person. I’ve seen you with Claire, you dote on her, bend over backwards to accommodate your crazy ass ex, and, believe it or not, my life ain’t all rainbows and fucking sunshine either.”

“I lost Amelia cause I  _ lied _ to her. I lost Claire because I’m fucking crazy! I can’t be trusted. I’m vile, disgusting-” Castiel’s voice catches and Dean can see tears on his face. 

“Cas, buddy. Listen to me,” Dean says as he carefully takes Castiel’s hand in his. He doesn’t know why he waits to continue until Castiel looks at their hands, but he does. “I don’t know how you lied to her. I don’t think you’re capable of lying, to be honest. Your poker face is terrible,” he chuckles as Castiel’s lips pulls up slightly. “But what I do know is you are trying to run away from something and you’re alone and scared. I know because I’ve been there.” Castiel’s eyes, bloodshot and wet, meet his.

“But you don’t have to do this alone. You are not alone, okay? You’ve got two cousins who managed to get my ass on a plane, who love you as if you were their brother and would do whatever they thought you needed.” He placed his other hand on top of Castiel’s, watching his blue eyes go back to their hands. “And you’ve got us. Me, Charlie, and Sammy. My uncle always said that ‘family don’t end in blood’ and that is true. Whatever you need, no matter what time, just ask, okay?”

Castiel just nodded not moving his eyes from their hands. 

“If and when you’re ready to talk. Let me in. I’m here. You don’t need to be alone.” Sam would give Dean so much shit for this chick flick moment but he knows Castiel needs to hear it. 

Castiel moves his mouth as if he was going to say something but was interrupted by a knock at the door.

The nurse from the station came in with a tray of food. “Dinner time, Jimmy.”

Dean makes a disapproving noise as Castiel pulls his hand away. Dean’s not sure if it was at Castiel’s actions or the fact that he has the staff calling him  _ Jimmy _ .

Nurse Kristy coming in when she did was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because now he didn’t have to put his foot in his mouth with Dean’s words. What was that even? A declaration? A promise? And what was with the hand holding? As far as Castiel knew, Dean was every bit a macho man and that moment they just shared was far more intimate than it should be.

The curse was with food meant medication, medicines that Castiel needs to adjust to and the new sleep aid makes him fucking loopy and loose tongued. That’s why Dean is even here. He knew he said something about his affection for the man he met at one of his low points and fucking Gabriel latched onto it like a newborn to his mother’s tit. 

To say that Castiel wasn’t happy that Dean was there would be a lie. He wanted Dean there the minute he woke up but was afraid to let him see him this way. Sure Dean had an uncanny way of knowing when Castiel was spiraling. He’s not sure what his tells are in texts and on the phone but there have been many nights when Dean will yell at Castiel to get on Skype. It’s as if he won’t accept anything else until he sees his face. 

For Castiel, those times are like a life preserver being tossed at him while he drowning. One look at those green eyes, crinkling in laughter and the smart ass smirk - he feels at peace and it scares the shit out of him. He knows he’s falling for the idea of him and Dean and he’s doing it faster than he had with either Balthazar or Amelia. The worst part is that it is all one sided. 

Even right now as Dean picks apart the burger Kristy ordered for him, Castiel can’t help the warm flutter in his chest. Of course it doesn’t help when Dean swears he’s going to make him the best damn burger he’s ever had when he gets out of here. 

“Better than piss colored water,” Castiel jokes, tapping the container of broth in front of him and laughing harder at Dean’s wrinkled nose. 

“Have you had any solid food?” Dean asks.

Castiel shakes his head. “Maybe at state they’ll give me pudding.”

“Well, you can’t have your pudding if you don’t eat your meat.”

Castiel laughs again. “I understood that reference.”

“I knew you were a man of good tastes,” Dean winks putting the lid back on Castiel’s broth. Castiel continues to ignore the flutter in his chest.


	8. Chapter 8

###  Pontiac, Illinois

Castiel was admitted to the state’s mental health facility on a Wednesday. That left Dean alone in a strange city. At first he stayed at one of the cheap motels in town. The only saving grace was the magic fingers in the room. It’s vibrations helped lull Dean into a state of unconsciousness that could pass as getting some sleep. On Thursday morning, Gabriel came to his room with coffee and donuts telling him he hadn’t lived until he tried the bacon maple donut. For a guy with as big of a sweet tooth as Gabriel, he knew his stuff. The donut was delicious.

Somehow during lunch that same day with both Gabriel and Michael, Dean found himself accepting their idea that he should stay at Castiel’s apartment. If anything, to make it seem occupied for the safety of his property. Sam had pointed out how weird it was that he was staying there but Charlie thought it sweet and didn’t see a problem as he had already seen the apartment through Skype.

Friday passed without much to note. Dean had cleaned the apartment, vacuumed, dusted, and cleaned out the fridge. He was a stress cleaner, and judging by the way Castiel kept his place, he was either OCD about cleanliness or suffered from the same de-stressing techniques. 

Saturday, he found himself at Michael’s having a barbecue and meeting Michael’s fiancee Anna, and Gabriel’s on-again-off-again girlfriend Kali - who was apparently on the cusp of being off again. It was nice to meet some of the people Castiel was close with, even if he felt like an outsider without him there.

Sunday, he Skyped with Ben, helping him with his homework and then playing a rousing game of  _ Battleship _ . Michael came over Sunday night for pizza and beer, filling Dean in with what was going to happen on the following day. Monday would be the hearing that would decide if Castiel was competent enough to come home. Sadly, based on how Michael was talking, it appeared that Castiel wasn’t adjusting to the routine they were setting for him and he would have to stay longer.

“I understand if you would like to return home,” Michael finally said toward the end of the night. “I imagine you have a life waiting for you in Michigan.” 

Dean nodded. “I do, but I made arrangements for me to be here as long as Cas needs me.” He had worked everything out with his job, stating that he was needed out of state for personal reasons and was even able to persuade Lisa to allow Ben to stay with Charlie at his place. Lisa wasn’t thrilled at first but realized that it was the best option financially, as Mrs. Harris likes to overcharge for extended stays. 

“You sure you’re up for that task?” Michael asks.

“We do whatever is needed for family, right?”

With a plan in place, Dean flew back home to get some things for an extended stay Monday morning while MIchael, Gabriel, and Castiel all waited to hear what the next step was. By the time Dean drove back to Illinois, he had heard the bad news. Castiel was ordered to stay two more weeks, in hopes that the first week was just an ‘adjustment period’ and that by the end of this order, he would be okay on his own.

The plus side, Dean was finally able to visit with his friend. 

Every day for the second week, Dean arrived to the hospital a half hour before visiting hours and waited to be let in. His first day there, Castiel’s nurse teased him about Dean getting ‘dolled up’ for him. Dean had frowned at that, thinking that his dark denim, boots and tucked in button down didn’t seem dressed up. 

Castiel took it in stride, telling the nurse to stop being jealous cause the cute guys come to see him and not her. Dean totally did  _ not _ blush - at least that’s what he tells himself.

The second day there, Castiel was a bit more talkative to Dean. He wanted to play games during their visit and in between figuring out who killed whom with what and where, he started to open up a bit more to Dean.

Dean was furious that Amelia had fought for sole custody of Claire, knowing that this was what sent Castiel down his spiral. He still didn’t understand why she had so much anger at him but didn’t want to push the issue with Castiel. Dean also knew that the court date was set for when he was here in the state hospital and he would most likely lose his little girl.

On day three, Castiel asked Dean about the weirdest things. What does he dream about? _I don’t know_ \- a total lie of course. Where does he see himself five or ten years from now? _Where I’m now. I love that house, Cas._ What was his favorite color? _Various shades of blue, depending on the mood._

All these questions Dean would answer to the best of his ability but felt disappointed when Castiel wouldn’t answer in kind.

Friday, day four, Castiel seemed nervous. He was fidgety and didn’t want to sit in the rec area. He asked his nurse, Meg, if he could walk in the garden with Dean. When Meg started to decline, Castiel begged her, telling her needed the fresh air. “Besides, Dean’s here, he won’t let me do something stupid.”

Eventually, Meg relented and gave them authorization. Dean was curious to know what was going through Castiel’s mind to make him so anxious, but again knew not to push it.

“Thank you for staying at the apartment. Gabriel says you keep it clean and Michael even mentioned you taking a part time job while here.” Castiel finally says once they had walked to the center of the garden.

“Yeah,” Dean rubs the back of his neck and shrugs. “It’s nothing big, just the repair shop down the road. Keeps my mind off things.”

Castiel makes a humming noise as if acknowledging what Dean had said. “I never told Amelia the truth about my sexuality or why I originally left medical school,” Castiel says suddenly.

“Oh?”

“Yes. It’s stupid now that I think about it. But I was trying so hard to be the son my mother wanted that I figured it didn’t matter. I was with  _ her. _ After we got engaged it didn’t matter because I was marrying  _ her _ , you know?” He sits down at a bench that faces a waterfall made from river rock. 

Dean sits next to Castiel and waits for him to continue. “I met Balthazar through Michael and started dating him two days into my first year of college,” he gives Dean a sad smile. “Fell for the British boy with a flair for the French pretty fucking fast. Before I knew it, a year had passed and I was convinced that Balthazar felt the same way as I did. After all, we were together for so long, how could he not?”

Castiel pauses and leans forward, his eyes narrowing at the water feature as if it was offending him. “He failed to mention that we were not exclusive. I found out the hard way.”

“Jesus, Cas.”

He shrugs his right shoulder up to his ear. “I left school because of that. Started getting heavy with the vodka and Michael stepped in before it could get worse. He fabricated a story for my parents, saying that I had broken up with my  _ girlfriend _ Bernadette and crashed at his place. I felt like such a shit, having Michael lie for me. For choosing me over his friend. But he wouldn’t hear it. Told me that I was much more important than the Brit that couldn’t keep his banger in his pants.”

Dean laughed softly trying to imagine Michael saying that. He seemed more like a straightforward, no nonsense type of guy to Dean. 

“I met Amelia Everett after that. Her father was the Deacon at my parent’s church. I worked with the church, as a penance of sorts, and the attraction with her began. She had actually convinced me to go back to school and would tell me how great of a man I was, how respectable, and how completing my dream would prove my own self worth.

“She was everything my parents wanted for me. A good little Catholic girl who would put none other before God. She volunteered at all of the social functions. Would lead the young ladies scripture studies. And most importantly, had ‘fixed their faggot son,’” he used finger quotes and gave a sad laugh. “I wanted to believe that I was fixed. I guess that’s why I never told her. Or I was ashamed. I’m not sure. We dated for three years before getting engaged. Gabe,” he laughs again, a more humorous one that includes shaking his head at some memory that played out in his mind. “Gabe had said I was crazy for not test driving before buying.”

“Say what now?” Dean asks, completely confused.

“As I said, Amelia was a  _ good _ girl. The farthest we had gone was maybe some heavy petting above the clothes.”

“Ouch, blue balls for three years,” Dean lets out a soft whistle that makes Castiel laugh louder.

“Three? Oh no. We were engaged for two years. So five years total. Let’s just say I am awfully glad that urban legends don’t come true.”

It’s Dean’s turn to laugh. “No shit, I’d be blind by now.”

Castiel holds his right hand palm up to Dean. “Hairy palms.” Dean bites his lip to appear as if he’s biting back a smile, when, truthfully, he is trying to bite back the image of Castiel stroking himself. 

“So after a  _ painfully _ –” Dean snorts at Castiel’s suggestive eyebrows “–long courtship. We finally got hitched. And things are going great. Or so I think. I’m finally done with premed, getting ready to go into med school. She’s got her job with the church. It’s perfect. Three more years, I’m thinking I lucked out this time. That somehow, I managed to escape my past and can live happily with Amelia.”

“And then?” Dean knows shit is about to go down.

Castiel sighs and leans back on the bench. His thumb idly rubs at his right wrist where the tattoo lays. “And then the truth. Remember how I said Amelia was a good girl?” Dean nods. “Even in marriage we had the most vanilla sex imaginable. I mean, she was the first woman I had been with so how the fuck could I compare it? Sure, there was sex with Balthazar, but that’s different.”

“No vagina,” Dean offers.

Castiel laughs again, his shoulders bouncing up and down with the action. Dean decides he likes the sound and sight of Castiel’s laugh. 

“No, no vagina.” He waves his hand dismissively. “Well it wasn’t just the sex. Oh no. She didn’t swear. She didn’t drink. If she did, it was this white wine spritzer bull crap or a glass of wine because ‘Jesus Christ drank it’”. I swear to God, I wanted to tell her one time that she should suck my dick cause Jesus would want it.” Castiel looks at Dean’s shocked expression and laughs. “Like you’ve never told a chick to just suck it?”

Dean flounders for a response, his mouth flopping like a fish. “No, actually,” he finally recovers. “I’m a gentleman in the bedroom, thank you very much.”

“Oh, come on, Dean! You never in the heat of the moment, when some girl is on her knees in front of you staring up through their lashes just commanded them to take it?”

Dean shifted his position trying desperately not to picture Castiel in that position.  _ Fuck _ , he wonders,  _ when did I start thinking of Cas like that? _

“I can honestly say that. I’m more of a sensual lover,” he supplies.

Castiel's eyes flick to his before settling back at the waterfall and nods. “Well, anyway. If we went to parties, they were usually church events or dry parties. So one night, we go to Michael’s to celebrate him passing that bar exam. Michael, while yes, went to the same church as us, was raised by the same family my mother comes from, he  _ partied _ . And sadly so did I. At first Amelia was not pleased with the alcohol consumption but didn’t out right say anything. Then someone came up with the idea to play suck and blow because who better to play then a bunch of drunk fucks, right?”

“Play what?”

“Suck and blow. You know. Where you have a playing card against your mouth and you suck in air to keep it there, then your partner gets close enough to you that they suck the card from your lips while you blow it to them.”

“Sounds like a horny high school boys attempt to make out with the girl,” Dean laughs shaking his head.

“Essentially, yes,” Castiel laughs in agreement. “Well naturally, this was not becoming of a lady and Amelia refused to play. Me on the other hand, I’m having fun and tell Mike, I don’t care who the partner is cause I’m gonna win.”

“Famous last words.”

“Exactly! My partner wound up being Balthazar. And the funny thing is he was on his best behavior! I’m the one that fucked up.”

“How so?”

“I was paying attention to Amelia cozying up to Raphael. Lost concentration and didn’t blow when I was supposed too. Balth’s lips touched mine and,” he shrugged, “old habits.”

“So you sucked face with your ex in front of your wife? An ex that your wife didn’t know was a man?” Dean asked to clarify.

“Yes and no,” Castiel said with a deep sigh. “I didn’t kiss Balthazar. He kissed me. Full on tongue, hair grabbing, bodies flush.” He shook his head. “The fucked up thing? I wasn’t upset at him for doing it. I was upset that Amelia was cozying up to Raphael at the time.” 

“Wait-” Dean started at the name, it sounded familiar. Dean’s eyes widened when it clicked.

“Yeah.  _ Him. _ ” Castiel said bitterly. “They knew each other from the various social events. I just had no idea that they knew each other that well.”

“What happened, Cas?” Dean asks. “I mean if she was making eyes at Raphael, then she might have missed the Balthazar thing.”

Castiel scratched at the skin around his stitches on his left forearm. The skin was starting to heal and the itching was like a constant nagging reminder of his failures. “She caught it because everyone saw. She left immediately with Raphael and Gabriel took me home. I think he knew what was going to happen because after she kicked me out of the house he was still sitting in his car with the engine on.”

“She kicked you out? Did she say anything.”

“Yes, the usual about how sodomy is a sin. Homosexuality is a sin. That I lied in our vows. She didn’t want someone as unclean as me in her house. When I got there my bags were packed and waiting by the door.”

Dean shifted in the seat trying to wrap his head around what his friend was telling him. He had questions that he wanted to ask but felt like he should just let Castiel talk. Almost like this was a form of therapy for him.

“She didn’t talk to me for over two weeks before I took one of the knives from Michael’s kitchen to my wrists,” He holds both hands palm up. Without the watch that Dean was accustomed to seeing on Castiel’s left hand, he could now see the pale marks across the flesh. Sure that area was paler than the rest of his arm because of the tan lines from wearing the watch, but it wasn’t hard to miss the raised and angry lines. 

“I was placed into state custody for the second time of my life. I didn’t even bother trying to make things better. What was the point?” he asks with a shrug. “I had blown my chances at school with my attempt to kill myself. I failed my marriage. I failed my family. Why fight?”

“You didn’t fail your family, Cas. They failed you.” 

“I appreciate that, Dean. But you see at the time, that was my truth.”

“How long were you in state that time?”

Castiel tilts his head to think and Dean could see the math being worked in his head. “Just before Claire was born.”

The confusion on Dean’s face was clear and Castiel could understand why after all in this story, Castiel had not mentioned Claire at all. 

“My first month in, Amelia finally came to see me. She had told me that she wanted a divorce and had to wait to see if it was God’s will, before she could give me the paperwork. Turns out for her, God’s answer was to seek a possible chance to make things work by blessing us with a child. She had found out a few days after kicking me out that she was pregnant. Just a few days short of her second trimester. And when she came to see me she was twenty-one weeks along. She had told me that if I wanted to prove to God that I was the man he had destined for me to be, I would forget the nonsense about Balthazar or any men. I would renew my faith and I would repair the blemishes that I had caused to my physical appearance.”

“The tattoo,” Dean says softly understanding the meaning behind it now as he gazed down at the art work. He could see the individual beads, the strands carefully colored in and wrapped around Castiel’s wrist. The joining bead, just above the crucifix was the only color of the artwork on his skin, in a bright green color. “Why green?” Dean asks, his hand reaching out to touch the color on it’s own. He can hear Castiel suck in a breath at his touch and Dean wonders if it tingles for him too.

Castiel clears his throat and stares at where Dean is touching him as if he’s at a loss for words. “I’m sorry?” he asks.

“The tattoo,” Dean is now holding Castiel’s wrist in his hands. “It’s standard black ink with shading but right here,” his thumb brushes over the coloring over Castiel’s pulse point. “Is green. Why that color? Why not keep it like the rest or use red or even blue?”

“Why would I use blue?”

Dean looks up at him, his green eyes locking onto blue. Castiel can see the smile that tugs at the corner of Dean’s lips. “For your eyes, Cas.”

Castiel shakes his head and pulls his hand back. His wrist still tingles from where Dean was touching him. He’s ignoring the fluttering again knowing that if he focuses on it, it’ll make things worse. “Green’s my favorite color.”

Dean nodded and watched Castiel build up whatever wall he had let down for the time being. He could actually see Cas retreat into himself, seeking protection from whatever battle he was having internally. Dean looks away unable to watch as he rubs his hands together, the warmth from Castiel’s wrist still clings to his hand.

They sit there in silence, neither comfortable nor awkward. Just two men lost in thought. Castiel is dwelling on the that damn flapping of wings that makes his insides dance. He knows what it is. Simply put, it’s Dean. The man he considers his best friend is making him feel twenty years younger again. A simple smile, touch, or even Dean’s laugh ignites this feeling and as much as he enjoys having that again, he hates it because it’s torture. He sees it as punishment. A constant reminder of what he will never have. 

Dean, also wrapped in his own mind, is unsure what he feels. Both Sam and Charlie have claimed to see that Dean had feeling past a brotherly nature for Castiel. Sure, he may have pulled out the one memory he has of seeing Castiel with wet, wild hair and in his boxers - a surprise Skype call to Cas while he was getting ready for the day - out of the spank bank a few times. He won’t deny that Castiel is a good looking guy. Fuck that, a sexy guy, but to say that he has romantic feelings - this is something that Dean can’t allow himself to think about. The last thing Castiel needs is Dean trying to get in his pants. He needs to know that the people he trusts are there for him and not to screw him, whether or not it’s literal or figurative. Besides, why would he have feelings like  _ that _ for someone he hardly knows. He had a kid with Lisa for Christ’s sake and couldn’t even love her.

That’s because Dean Winchester doesn’t love anyone but family. 

It’s not like he has a problem with the idea of having romantic feelings for someone, even if they are male. He’s had some experience in that field. Probably not to the extent that Castiel had with his ex, but he’s played for that team too.  _ As a pitcher _ , he thinks to himself, causing himself to huff out a laugh.

Castiel hums in question to the laugh and Dean immediately scrubs his hands over his face trying to cover the blush on his face. 

“Ever laugh at yourself before?” Dean asks.

“Oh,” Castiel responds with a small smile and, thankfully, leaves it at that. 

Dean’s not sure he’s ready to tell Castiel the tale of his time with Benny. While he doubts that Castiel would react the same way Sam did, he still wasn’t sure if he would be okay with hearing or seeing the insinuation that he named his son after his first boyfriend - which was not the case at all. Ben was named after Lisa’s brother who had died when he was an infant and her father Isaac. Although, truth be told, if it wasn’t for Benny, Dean isn’t sure if he would have ever met Lisa and now have Ben.

“Clarence,” a voice calls from their left. Dean looks over to see the short nurse with the heart shaped face that he knows as Castiel’s nurse, trying to get their attention.

“Uh, Cas?” Dean gently taps Castiel’s knee with the back of his hand to get his attention. Castiel looks up at him in question then follows his line of sight.

“Yes, Meg?” he asks the nurse.  

She came closer and gave the two men an apologetic smile. “It’s time for group.”

Castiel nodded but didn’t move. “I’ll be right there, Meg.” She nodded her acknowledgement and gave them space. Castiel looked over at Dean to see him staring at him. “What?”

“Clarence?” Dean asks. “Is that another name you prefer over, Castiel?”

He laughs and shakes his head. “No it’s the name of the angel from  _ It’s A Wonderful Life _ . She says that I remind her of him,” he explains with a shrug of his shoulders. “I’ve never seen it.”

Dean’s jaw falls open in surprise but he quickly recovers. “Seriously dude? What did you do, live under a rock?”

Castiel laughs again and nods. “Might as well have.” Dean watches as the easy, carefree look on his face drops to a more pensive look. “I can’t see you tomorrow,” Castiel says so softly that he wasn’t sure he hear him right.

“Got a date tomorrow, Cas?” Dean teases.

“Family therapy. Apparently a part of recovery is to have family sit with you and the doctor. So the sadist can sit there and judge you while you’re family throws insults and reminds you of every fucking one of your failures.”

Dean was surprised of the amount resentment that colored Castiel’s tone but said nothing. 

Castiel sighed. “I apologize, Dean. I have been informed that my ex will be there as well as other members of my family.” He stood up and stretched his arms above his head. Dean wondered briefly if the low riding pants were intentionally slung low. 

“Needless to say,” Castiel’s eyebrow rose when he noticed Dean jerk slightly before quickly looking up at him. “I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.”

Dean stood up besides him and slung his arm over Castiel’s shoulder. “You’ll do fine. Besides, you’ve got what? A little less than a week left and then you can come home and have the best damn burgers you’ve ever had.”

Dean wasn’t sure how Castiel would respond but felt a wave of relief when Castiel smiled and nodded. “And maybe-” Dean’s words caught in his throat when Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, hugging himself to the taller man and placing his head on Dean’s shoulder.

“Thank you,” Castiel murmured, not lifting his head from it place. 

_ What for? _ Dean wanted to ask. Instead he tightened his hold on his friend. “Of course, Cas,” he said softly. “Besides, it’s only one day.”

Castiel nodded, giving Dean a tight squeeze before slowly disentangling himself. He wanted to keep his arms around him, to brush his lips against Dean’s. Even to just go home, to his home, where he could sit on the couch and cuddle and forget about that nonsense. Instead he would take what he can, because having Dean in any capacity was more important to him than his attraction. 

Dean watched as his friend dragged his feet toward the nurse. His heart clenched when Castiel looked over his shoulder to give him a small wave. His bright blue eyes were forlorn at the prospect of tomorrow's events. For Dean it was like living the same nightmare he’s had for over a month now. Sorrow, pain, and longing tore at Dean and he made a silent vow to himself to never see that in Castiel’s eyes again.


	9. Chapter 9

###  Pontiac, Illinois

Castiel chewed on the side of his thumb as his leg bounced anxiously awaiting for his family to enter the therapy room. Doctor Walker - or Doctor Masochist as he had started to call her to Meg and Dean - had advised him that today’s session would not only be missing his cousins but would also be attended by both Amelia and his parents. Amelia would be okay, he could fake his way through that session and maybe even learn why she had deemed it necessary to take his daughter away from him. But to have Namoi and Zachariah Alder here, let’s just say Castiel would rather go through electroshock therapy or have his toe nails removed. He knew he was doing well with the sessions, even if he hated working with Doctor Masochist. He had a goal and with Dean’s daily visits remind him that it was to get home. Maybe there was a hidden desire too. Not that he would admit it to anyone but the thought of going home to Dean and possibly exploring something,  _ anything _ with him was enough to make his life worth living.

How sad is that? To pine for someone that you’re pretty sure isn’t even interested in anything other than a friendship. It’s not like they had known each other all that long but Castiel could feel that they were in each other’s lives for a reason. Maybe Dean was his knight in shining armor. Castiel snorts a laugh to himself knowing full well that Dean would roll his eyes and mention that his baby is better than any white steed. Castiel had to admit that from what he’s seen of the beloved Chevy Impala, it was definitely sex on four wheels although he would never admit to letting his mind wander to the various ways he and Dean would explore each other in and on said sex on wheels.

Castiel shifts in his seat, sitting up straighter and pulling his pants away from his crotch.The last thing he needed was to be half hard while being psychoanalyzed. It was comforting to know that his libido was still functional, even if he was a few sandwiches shorts of a picnic. 

He caught a glimpse of movement from the corner of his eye and allowed his eyes to flicker at the door where his nurse Meg had entered with Amelia and Zachariah following her. 

“Mrs. Novak,” Doctor Masochist greets with her hand offered to shake and what Castiel supposed was a friendly smile but it seemed too sweet, artificial, and judgy to him. “Thank you so much for coming. This will be instrumental in Mr. Novak’s care.”

Castiel resists the urge to roll his eyes. It was clear by the look Amelia gave him while shaking the doctor’s hand, she felt this was a tremendous waste of time.  _ Yeah, I know. I’m just a waste of everyone’s time. Why bother? _ Castiel bit the inside of his cheek hard, the familiar copper taste on his tongue told him that he had done enough damage to keep his mouth shut.

“I’m so sorry Mrs. Adler couldn’t join us,” his doctor said to his stepfather.

“Yes, well there were more pressing matters and as the foremost member of the family, my presence is more appropriate.” Zachariah puffed out his chest as if to make himself seem larger than he is. Castiel just rolled his eyes. Of course his mother wouldn’t be bothered to come out when her son needed her. He wasn’t her precious little puppet, so she didn’t care.

“So glad you could join us.” The doctor smiled and motioned to the empty seat next to Amelia.

“So nice you could slum it up with us,” Castiel grumbled under his breath but the scolding look from Amelia told him that he failed at keeping that mostly to himself.

The doctor started to explain why this session was important to work through for Castiel. She had explained that in most cases, the family can make or break someone’s emotional and mental well being. Castiel started to stare out the window behind the doctor and tune her out. He didn’t want to be here or at the very least, he didn’t want them to be here. At least the family sessions with Michael and Gabriel he could laugh and smile and make a comment that wouldn’t cause World War III. 

“Castiel, you will pay attention when Doctor Walker is speaking,” Zachariah's barking voice snapped his attention to rest of the group.

“It’s quite alright, Mr. Adler. Most patients will retreat into themselves when confronted with issues that they want repress.”

“Well, if he wasn’t such an abomination, he wouldn’t need to repress anything.” Castiel glared at his stepfather. He knew where this was going, after all he had heard it nearly all his life. He didn’t hear what the doctor said in response as his pulse was pounding loudly in his ears. 

“How Naomi ever gave birth to depraved individual is beyond me,” Zachariah adds.

“Can he do that?” Castiel asks Doctor Masochist. “Can he seriously sit here and say things like that? How is that  _ helping _ ?”

The doctor made some excuse about how it’s helping her to understand their relationship so that she can better advise on the correct course of action or something. Castiel just tuned her out. Luckily Zachariah had remained quiet, almost smug about getting the reaction he did from Castiel.

“Mr. Novak?” The doctor asks. “Do you have a question for anyone?”

Castiel looks over at Amelia who is looking down at twisted tissue in her hands.  _ Had she been crying? _ He wonders. 

“Why take her away from me? I never hurt her. I’d never do anything to hurt her.” he finally asks. Amelia looks up at him and scowls.

“Because of this, James. I can’t depend on you to take care of yourself, so why would I count on you to take care of Claire?”

“Are you fucking kidding me, right now?” he shouts. “I would take a bullet for my kid, Amelia. I would go to hell itself and sit in a cage with fucking Lucifer, if it meant saving her or keeping her safe! Let me guess.  _ Raphael _ put you up to this.”

“Who is Raphael?” the doctor asks.

“A friend,” Amelia replies softly.

Castiel scoffs. “Right. A friend who had moved into  _ our  _ house the same day you kicked me out. A friend who shared  _ our _ bed with  _ my _ wife, while I slept in the hospital. The same friend who continued to sleep in that bed while  _ your husband _ slept on the fucking couch!”

“We did not live in sin,  _ Castiel. _ The only sinner is you.”

“Right,” Castiel spat. “What happened to ‘Thou shall not covet’? Cause he had been coveting you an awful long time, Amelia. I was almost convinced you were carrying  _ his _ child!”

She stood up abruptly, the chair she was sitting fell backwards. “You have no right! Y-you are not- never have been a true servant of the Lord!” She shouts, getting into Castiel’s face. “You can not sit here and tell me what commandments were broken by myself or my fiance. You are blasphemous! You are delusional if you think that for one second I would allow you to corrupt my child with your deviancy.”

“ _ Your _ child?” he spits in anger. “You mean  _ our  _ child, Amelia! OURS! And what fucking deviancy?” he asks.

“The fact that you have chosen to defy God by being a sodomite!” 

“Yes,” Zachariah agrees. “Naomi and I felt that it was best for Claire if Amelia removed her from your influences. Claire does not need to be exposed to your licentious lifestyle.”

“You?” Castiel felt as if he had been slapped. “You and mother did this?”

Zachariah had the nerve to look proud. “Of course, Castiel. Did you really think that we let a fag such as yourself raise an innocent child. It’s bad enough that God is punishing her because of you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Her seizures,” Zachariah states plainly. “She never exhibited them until she was left in your care for an extended amount of time. And now that she has been removed from it, she has not had any issues.”

“And you say I’m delusional!? She has a fucking medical condition. Science has proven that! She hasn’t had another episode because of her medication.”

Zachariah laughs, a cold sound that filled Castiel with dread. “Amelia and I have removed the medication from her routine. She has not had a single episode, as I said, since she was removed from your care. God used her to punish you! Honestly, Castiel, it was better for her this way. Now she can live a normal life with Amelia and Raphael raising her as it should have been. In a loving household with both a mother  _ and _ a father. Raphael is a perfect example of a man. The perfect role model and father figure for Claire.”

Castiel felt like he was going to be sick. His own family had worked together to remove the one thing that mattered more to him then his own life. They blamed him for her epilepsy. They blamed him for everything. 

“I warned you, Castiel. If you did not get right with the Lord, he would punish you. You think you can run from your judgement. You think that you can make everything better with a few pills and a slash to the wrist.” Again Zachariah does that laugh and the bile crawls up Castiel’s throat. “But what you don’t realize is that God won’t allow you to take the easy way out. He won’t allow the Devil to win this war. Yes, your soul will wind up in Hell where it belongs, but not yet.

“You are such a tremendous odium on our lives, Castiel, that sometimes when your mother gets that call that you’re locked up here,  _ again _ , I pray that you will succeed in your task. If nothing but to free both your mother and Amelia of the stigma you have placed on these two beautiful women.”

Castiel felt a small hand on his shoulder as his body started to shake. Zachariah was right, he was nothing more than a stain, a black mark on his family. They would be better off without him. He could live being alone. He could learn to live without Claire but it would be easier to just die.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Meg watched as Castiel stared at the empty space before him. Her heart broke for the man as she witnessed his inner struggle from the outside. He had made a tremendous amount of progress once he had settled into his routine and new medications. Out of the patients Meg tended to, Castiel - or Clarence as she likes to call - is her favorite. While he may not suffer from the innumerable mental illness that fill not only her assigned hallway, but all of the halls of the hospital, he still fascinates her. 

Meg enjoys caring for the ‘quieter’ ones. The ones who are locked inside their own minds from their various forms of psychosis and mentias. Very rarely does she come across a patient more on the sane side that she willingly speaks with. Castiel is a prime example of this. According to his chart, his family had first brought him in when their church declared him “touched by Satan” at the tender age of ten. At that time he was labeled schizophrenic and placed on atypical antipsychotics. The reason he was labeled this was because he was a child, confused about his dreams of the strange green eyes, a child who was socially awkward without friends. A child who fidgeted too much, lived in his own head because he was told that children were to be seen and not heard. A child who had showed lower dopamine levels than others his age.

It’s a wonder that Castiel hasn’t had more issues than he does. Meg may only be a registered nurse - meaning she had more experience than most of the orderlies here - but she did a secondary major in psychology as well as psychological medicine in her free time. 

Thankfully, or a little too late depending on how you look at it, Castiel was able to get the original diagnosis to be removed. At thirteen he was in the hospital with a major head wound and had asked the doctors why they didn’t just let him die. They had placed him on suicide watch and diagnosed him with Bipolar Disorder. As he got older, the diagnosis became severe but it was still Bipolar Disorder. 

To Meg, it was clear to see that Castiel had self worth issues. He felt worthless to those he thought cared for him. He felt as if he was a burden or waste of space to others. As she observed his interactions with his family members and his friend, it was clear that while he tries to maintain that they would be better without him, he was afraid to be alone. Of all of her charges, Castiel was easier for her to read. While most of the time he had the same withdrawn look about him. He very rarely showed emotion. If anything, his demeanor showed that of bewilderment but on those unique occasions that he let his guard down. It was a sight to see. 

Meg actually enjoyed watching Castiel with Dean. Clearly the two men lacked the emotional fortitude to really say what they were feeling, but with Dean, Castiel was unreserved. He would laugh, smile and often times, his jubilant mood was contagious. It was like night and day when it involved Dean. Sure, Castiel was happy around his cousins but even then he seems to distance himself from them, as if he was protecting them.

Perhaps this is why it is so much harder to watch Castiel now. In less than ten hours he went from being confident with the time he spent with his friend to being an anxious mess that melted into another breakdown and now he is completely detached. Meg sighs as she puts the tray for his breakfast down. 

“You have to eat, Clarence.”

“Not hungry,” Castiel responds in a flat tone, his eyes not lifting from the pale blue blanket that he is staring at. 

Meg sighed. “I get that. But you need to take some meds and you know-”

“Yes, of course.” He cut her off.

“You don’t have to eat it all.” She moves and places the tray on the bed in front of him. “I had the cook put extra honey in the oatmeal for you since you prefer that to the sugar. Also instead of orange juice, I got you a cup of green tea.”

She watched as he reached out for the spoon. His hand shook and he placed it back in his lap. He looked as if he was having some sort of internal battle. She was torn between leaving him or planting herself into the chair next to him. He reached for his utensil again, she noticed he was a bit calmer now.

“Why?” he asked suddenly, stabbing the contents of his bowl.

“Excuse me?”

“Why do you treat me differently than the others. I know for a fact that if Marv had asked for honey or something else you would ignore him or give him some snarky response.” Castiel finally looked up at her and tilted his head at her. 

He looked like shit. Even with the sleeping pill they gave him at lights out, he still had dark shadows under his eyes as if it didn’t help. The stubble that graced his face was common as he isn’t allowed to shave and the orderly Alfie hadn’t made his rounds to this wing yet to assist. The biggest sign for Meg was the blank eyes. His eyes, usually a bright and vibrant hue of blue were dark almost black.

“Marv wouldn’t ask for honey. He would smack my ass, call me honey, and demand that  _ I _ give him extra sugar. He’s a pervert. You’re not. You’re polite, respectful and honestly, if you can stomach the same thing everyday for breakfast who am I to make sure it’s somewhat enjoyable.”

“You don’t think I’m a pervert?”

She made a scoffing sound and rolled her eyes as she pulled his chair next to his bed before plopping herself into. She watched him stir the oatmeal around as she made herself comfortable, placing her feet on the nightstand and crossing her ankles. “Why, do you think you’re a pervert?” she asked.

A small smile tugged at his lips as she stole a grape from his fruit bowl. “You heard what Zachariah said yesterday.”

She hummed in acknowledgement as she bit into the juicy fruit. “I did but I don’t believe you’re a pervert. Shit, even I would want your green eyed grasshopper to fuck me into the mattress.”

Castiel’s eyes were comically wide at her words making her laugh. “Green eyed grasshopper?”

She nodded. “Yep,” she grabbed another grape knowing even if he was hungry, he wouldn’t touch them. “And you’re the blue eyed cutie.”

Castiel chuckled and shook his head. “I think Dean would rather fuck you into the mattress, as you said, than me.”

“Why do you say that?”

He shrugs as he finally takes a bite of his oatmeal. She places his pill on the tray next to his tea now that he’s attempting to eat. Finally, after he swallows he looks at her. “I told him about Balthazar, I figured that would be a perfect time to let me know if he was,” waves his hand out as to say ‘you know’.

“To say he likes it in the ass, too?” she suggests.

Castiel groans and gives her a playful glare. “Must you be so crude?”

“Only with you, Clarence. I like seeing those pink cheeks of yours. Especially when it’s cause I know you’re thinking of your dreamy green-eyed friend.” That worked, Castiel’s face was covered in a blush at the mere mention of his infatuation with Dean.

“Dean,” he says softly.

“Is scheduled to be here in two hours. Which means you need to eat up, clean up and get ready to spend hours doing whatever it is you two do in the garden.” She stands up and pats his shoulder, happy that she didn’t have to beg or convince him to take his meds this morning.

Castiel shakes his head. “Call him and tell him I ca-can’t-won’t see him. Tell him yesterday was too much and I need space.”

“Are you kidding me?” Meg asks incredulously. “Why? You were just laughing and happily picturing him topping you!” Meg regrets the last outburst the minute she says it because Castiel’s wall slams back into place. He pushes the tray to the foot of the bed and rolls to his side staring at the wall.

“Better yet, tell him to go home to Ben. He doesn’t need to waste his time on me.”

“Clarence,” Meg says softly trying to coax him to at least look at her. She stands there for what feels like hours before she takes the hint. She had been dismissed. She leaves the cup of tea on the night stand and takes the rest of the tray out of the room. She would kill Zachariah with her own hands for hurting her angel if she could.

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

Because she was working with other patients, Meg forgot to call Dean and warn him that Castiel would most likely not be the best company that day. Apparently, Castiel had convinced Alfie to place not only Dean, but Gabriel and Michael on the no visit list. He was punishing himself, which was complete bullshit and now she’s being paged to explain to the raging bull in the front room why he’s being turned away.

She took a deep breath trying to calm her nerves. She could usually handle patients families. Growing up with three older brothers, she learned to hold her own and could even take out someone a good foot taller than her five-four frame. That is until she met Dean Winchester for the first time. Castiel may not think that Dean reciprocated his feelings, but clearly the man was protective of his friend.

Their first meeting, was a tense one. Castiel wasn’t handling the shift in his sleeping medications as well as they had hoped and it caused him to act like a scared cat. He was jumpy, shaky and screeching at everything. Meg was fairly certain that Dean was convinced they had brainwashed Castiel and used a threatening tone when she had touched Castiel, setting off a fresh set of screaming, thrashing, and tears. Luckily, Castiel started to adjust better so the next visits were much better and she was even earning a strained smile from the visiting friend. 

Today was clearly not going to be that day. When she entered the lobby, Dean was yelling at the front desk. Demanding to know who placed him on that list thinking Castiel would never push him away like that. Dean was shaking in fury and Meg was impressed by how intimidating he managed to look. Normally, she thought he was a bit dorky, his bowed legs made him look shorter to her, although he wasn’t, and he always looked like he walked out of some lumberjack shoot with his flannel or plaid over shirt. Then there were the classic rock tees he wore underneath, as if he was trying to make himself seem cooler. 

Yes, all of that was hilarious to Meg. Posturing. She supposes if it makes him feel better, who is she to judge. Today though, there was nothing about his anger that was fake. Slowly she approached the front desk. 

“Emma,” she said to the nurse who looked up at her with wide, panicked eyes. “I’m going to take fifteen. You’ll be okay?”

Emma nods and watches as Meg steps around the counter to Dean’s side. She places her hand on his bicep. “Dean, let’s go for a walk.”

His jaw clenches and his eyes narrow at her. “I want to see Cas.”

She nods. “I understand, but I need to speak with you regarding Castiel. Please, Dean. Let me buy you some coffee.”

The muscle in his jaw bulges but he steps back, allowing her to step past. They barely make it outside the doors before Dean is demanding answers.

“Please, Dean. I would much rather we talked about this away from my job where it would be obvious that I’m breaking rules.”

“Why am I on the list?”

Meg sighs and looks up at Dean. There it is. His body is screaming fury and indignation, but his green eyes are full of hurt and worry. “Castiel is hurt-”

“What? How? I thought the point of this place was to keep him from getting hurt? How did this happen? How could  _ you _ let this happen?” His questions are in a rush and near hysterics.

“Wow, cool your jets, Sparky. I didn’t allow anything to happen and he’s not physically hurt. He is hurt emotionally. Yesterday took much more out of him that I think he anticipated.”

“Was it Amelia? Did she say something? God, I hope Gabriel said something to the bitch.”

Meg raised an amused eyebrow at Dean’s rant as he paced in front of her. “Gabriel and Michael were not here.”

He stopped and looked up at her. “What?”

“They weren’t here. It was supposed to be Amelia and Mr. and Mrs. Adler.”

“Who?” Dean asked when he didn’t recognize the surnames.

“The Adlers. Castiel’s parents.”

“Supposed to be?” Dean asks and Meg nods. “Who didn’t show?”

This time anger flashes on Meg’s face and Dean seems taken aback by the sudden change in her demeanor. “I need that coffee,” Meg mutters and starts walking down the street to the nearest Starbucks. 

“Meg?” Dean asks cautiously once they both have drinks in their hands and are sitting at an outside table. “What happened?”

She sifts in her seat and starts from the beginning. She tells Dean about what she witnessed, the way that every time Mr. Adler insinuated what had happened with Claire was some sort of punishment, Castiel would look broken and beaten. She told him about the how every chance he got, Mr. Adler would call him various homophobic slurs, belittled him, and even wished that Castiel had succeeded in killing himself.

“As you can probably imagine, after years of hearing this from a father figure, Castiel is believing the noise again. That’s why you’re on the list. He wanted me to go as far as to tell you that he’s not worth wasting your time and to go back to Ben.”

“Why didn’t you?” Dean asks softly as if he’s afraid of the answer.

“Because I know he doesn’t mean it. He thinks he deserves to be alone. That he’s not worth the care that Gabriel, Michael, I, and even you give him. I don’t know how to help him, Dean, and honestly I’m afraid that this is going to make things worse.”

“Well, then we have to prove to him that he is worth the care we are giving him. We have to show him that we need him. Help break him from the hold his stepfather has on him.”

Dean tried to convince Meg to let him see Castiel, regardless of what was put on the list but she wouldn’t budge. She agreed with him that Castiel doesn’t need to be alone, but reminded him that her job is to care for him and follow orders. Even protect him at all costs possible.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

This latest back step actually hurt Castiel’s progress. He had gone three steps back, succumbing to a depressive state that had him being a bit of a recluse. This forced the court’s hand and it extended his custody with the state for another whole month. Dean had done his best to show Castiel that he was worth the time he was spending away from home, but he also focused on things outside of the hospital.

Dean was now working a shift Monday through Friday at the local garage, rather than just the weekends. His boss, Allen, back in Michigan had been more than understanding about Dean’s continued sabbatical and he had nightly Skype meetings with Ben, either helping him with the homework he could, or just talking about his kid’s day.

It had been three weeks since Zachariah had poisoned Castiel’s thoughts and another family therapy session was scheduled. To say that Dean was on edge about the meeting was an understatement. All Dean really wanted to do was get Castiel out of there, take him home to Michigan and let him start over. Charlie was on board with this plan and while Sam was more hesitant about it, he agreed that it might be best.

“Remember what Bobby says, Sammy?”

“That family doesn’t end with blood.” Sammy repeated the familiar phrase.

“Exactly. Sometimes our blood family is more fucked up than the one we choose for ourselves, so why not? Castiel would be better with us. We maybe a bunch of misfits but we got each others backs, y’know?”

Sam sighed on the other line. “Are you sure about this though, Dean? I get that he’s your friend and it’s in your nature to want to save people, but have you talked to Castiel about it? Would this even be something he would want to do?”

“Well-I uh,” Dean cleared his throat and gave a small wave to Meg as she passed where he was sitting outside. “I haven’t mentioned it to him, yet.”

“What? Dean! Are you serious? What are you going to do when he gets out? Just get him in the Impala and drive to Michigan? He has a life out there. He has a job. He has a family.”

“I know he’s got that, Sammy. What I’ve gotten out of Gabe and Mike, his job is something that he does from home and usually will travel for if needed. And seriously, they are okay with a change of scenery for Cas. In fact Gabe practically started packing up Cas’s place when I started talking to him about it.”

“What about Claire?”

Dean sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sammy, that’s harder. You see, his stepdad convinced the ex that he would taint their child because of his attraction to men. Persuaded her to get sole custody so that she and her new man can raise Clarie as theirs. She even got a fucking restraining order!”

“Jesus,” Sam sighed. 

“Yeah, and apparently the step-douche admitted to this in therapy.”

“What?” Sam asks, clearly heated. “Why would - I mean,” he struggled to keep his cool and all Dean could do is nod his head in agreement with his brother’s sputtering as he drank from his beer.

“Therapy is supposed to  _ help _ . You’re supposed to have a breakthrough, not down.” Sam finally said. “God!” As odd as it seems, Dean is proud of how upset this makes his brother. It also makes him slightly relieved.

“I doubt he’s got anything to do with this. I have a hard time believing God would let this shit happen to someone like Cas.” Dean could hear the unhappy noise Sam makes in response to his words. Sammy had followed their mother when it came to religion. He had even tried for many years to get Dean into a church or at least pray with him. Dean however was a cynic, much like his father. Dean was absolute in his belief that the higher powers were either non existent or didn’t care. Usually he leaned more towards the latter.

“Have you told Castiel about Benny?” Sam asks, changing the subject.

“Wh-Ho-” Dean sputters. “Why would I?”

“Well he is your friend and he’s talked about his ex-boyfriend.” Dean could just imagine Sam shrugging his shoulders. “Figured you would share some info on Benny. Even the playing field.”

Dean groans, not wanting to do this right now, or ever. “Sammy.”

“What?”

“First, yes he did tell me about Balthazar. He has been very honest with me about who he is. So even if he hadn’t, even if he had left that info out, I would still know that he finds both sexes attractive, but I don't see how telling him about Benny would ‘level the playing field.’”

“Cause you haven’t been honest with Castiel.”

“Fuck you, I have, too,” Dean spat out defensively.

“Great! So he he knows you’re Bi and have feelings for him?”

Dean nearly chokes on his beer, effectively spitting it all over the front of himself and Castiel’s coffee table. “Shit.”

“That’s what I thought,” Sam said taking Dean’s reaction as an answer before taking a deep breath.  _ Great, here it comes. _ “Look Dean, I get that what happened with Benny was not an ideal way to act out your new feelings or first relationship since being semi out of the closet but you guys were young and dumb. Don’t let other’s closed minds keep you from being happy, Dean.”

“Thanks, Doctor Phil,” Dean muttered.

Sam sighed, clearly done with his brother’s natural need to deflect with sarcasm and name calling when being forced to deal with his feelings. “Who knows, Dean. Maybe Castiel feels the same and if you both had a crappy go at it in the past with others, you two might be the ones to make it work,” he paused as if looking for the right word. “ _ Together _ .”

“Oh my God, Sammy. Seriously, lay off the daytime television.” Dean was very grateful that Sammy couldn’t see the blush on his neck. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t think of the possibility of him and Cas being something other than what they are. 

“Deny it all you want, Dean. You would only willingly put your life on hold to help someone you care for. I’ve only seen you do this for Bobby and Charlie. And they’re family!” Dean doesn’t respond, only worries his bottom lip between his teeth and picks at the label of his bottle.

“Just do me a favor, Dean.  _ Talk _ to him about your feelings before springing the move out here on him. Give him a reason to want to come home with you.”

“M’kay,” Dean mutters.

“I gotta go. Love you,  _ Bean _ .”

Dean could feel the involuntary smile at the name. Sammy had a hard time saying ‘Dean’ when he was younger and it often sounded like ‘Bean’, a nickname that only Sammy could use, much like how Sam - while complaining about it - would only allow Dean to call him Sammy.

“Be safe, Sammy.”


	10. Chapter 10

###  Pontiac, Illinois

Castiel had been in state custody for seventy-two days. Dean had stayed by his side everyone of those days, even if Castiel didn't know. Today was no different. In fact, today was Castiel's release date and Dean couldn't hold back his nervous energy if he tried. 

He awakened at four and decided to do a thorough clean of the apartment, including putting fresh-from-the-dryer sheets on Castiel's bed.

At six in the morning, he took Baby into the shop for some minor tune ups and detailing. After all this would be the first time Cas and Baby met. He needed to make sure she was perfect. Spending time in the garage with Baby did nothing for Dean's nerves. It was a great way to kill three hours, but failed to be his usual escape. 

By ten he had showered, shaved, eaten breakfast, and even ironed his clothes. Sam would make fun of him for that aspect but for Dean, everything about this afternoon felt like a date and he needed to impress.

Once he was ready and after a quick trip to the store to get what he needed to make Castiel the burger he promised, he was off to meet Michael and Gabriel at the hospital. The cousins were required to be there as the hospital would only sign Castiel out to family and seeing as how Michael had been listed as Castiel's decision maker, that all made sense.

Dean wasn't surprised to see the champagne colored Mercedes SUV pull up next to him. As many times as he had gone out with the two, he never knew what Michael drove as they either took Gabriel's BMW or Dean's Baby. This, though - this suited Michael.

Gabriel waved once he got out and headed to the main lobby. Michael got out, buttoning his suit coat with one hand, and offering Dean the other. The two men shook hands and exchanged pleasantries.

“I imagine that you made plans to be alone with Castiel tonight and I don't fault you for that at all. I don’t suppose he would be up for visiting just yet but do remind him the both Anna and Kali are besides themselves with worry and set to have lunch or tea with him.”

Dean bit back the laugh at the invitation for tea, figuring that it was better to just nod and promise to remind Cas.   


“As previously agreed,” Michael smiled and it almost seemed forced. “Castiel will be riding back to his place with you. Please be mindful. If he wants to sleep, let him. If he needs a shoulder-“  
  
“I’m not leaving him alone unless he asks, Mike. Relax.”  
  
This time Dean was given a smaller, more authentic smile. “Of course. You’ve been an extraordinary strength in this. Not just for Castiel, but for Gabe and me as well. Thank you.”  
  
Dean waved him off. “No sweat, man. Just go get Cas out of there please.”  
  
Michael nodded and head in the direction his brother had gone previous. Dean took a moment to settle his nerves and just enjoy the early spring weather. Sammy’s birthday was coming up in a few months and Dean wondered idly what would happen. Would he and Cas make it to Sam and celebrate in Michigan or would Sam come to them. Maybe Lisa would even let Ben come with him. Of course Charlie would be wherever the festivities were so he didn’t have to worry about that. The thought of having the three of them with him and Castiel made him smile. Of course there was also the possibility that Sam wanted to go home for his birthday and Dean’s not sure he’s ready for Cas to see his family’s brand of crazy.  
  
The vibration of his phone in his pocket distracted him from his current round of thoughts. He tapped the screen to see a few text from Charlie.  
  
>> _2 day is the BIG day!!! YAY!_  
>> _Give him a hug 4m me!_  
  
>> _Mayb an ass grab while ur @ it ;)_  
>> _Cuz u’ve seen his ass right? TIGHT_  
  
>> _What r u wearing? Legit question, not being a_ _stalker_ ❤  
  
Dean chuckles and sends a quick reply telling her that he will give him a hug, if that’s something Cas is comfortable with. There will be no ass grabbing. Then he snaps a quick selfie captioning it to say that he is wearing his dark jeans and asking “approval from the Queen?”  
  
>> _Ur Queen approves 100%._  
  
Dean laughs fully this time and slides the phone into his pocket just as Castiel and his two cousins exit the building.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Castiel was glad to be rid of this place and couldn't get out fast enough. Once Michael signed his release forms, he was out the door with Gabriel hot on his heels. 

“Cassie! Wait up man. Shorter legs!”

Castiel rolls his eyes but stops for his cousin. He looks out in the parking lot and feels his heart drop when he doesn't see Dean.

“So, your first night as a free man,” Gabriel teases, slapping Castiel in the back. “What you got planned?”

Castiel shrugs. “I suppose that's entirely up to Dean. That's if he's still here.”

By this point Michael had caught up to them and gives his brother a knowing look that grates on Castiel's nerves. He's always hates when they do that. It usually meant they knew something or they wanted to talk about things he was not in the mood for.

“My understanding is Dean has dinner planned for you both. Something about a promised meal.” Michael says as they continue to move forward.

“So he didn't leave?”

Gabriel makes a cooing noise at Castiel's question. “Aw, Mikey. Isn't that cute? Our little Castiel is in love.”

“I'm not in love,” he protests but knows that blush on his face is calling him out.

Gabriel chuckles. “Uh huh.”

Castiel is getting ready to refute his cousin’s claims but stops short when another glance to the parking lot distracts him. “He came,” Castiel says in a breathy whisper.

“Yep. You doubted him, Cassie?” Gabriel, ask frowning slightly.

Castiel shakes his head. “No, I just thought he was at the apartment or something.”

“Actually, you’re riding home with him. Gabe and I were here only to sign you out.” Michael finally adds to the conversation. 

Castiel looks up to his oldest cousin in shock. “What? No mandatory dinners with you two and the girls?”

“Oh no, you don’t get out of that,” Gabriel laughs and smacks Castiel in the back. 

“When you’re ready,” Michael gives Gabriel a look that makes his somber up. “The girls would like to see, both you and Dean. They want to know that you’re safe.” Michael places a hand on Castiel’s shoulder.  “They care for you, Castiel.” he gives Cas’ shoulder a gentle squeeze. “We all do.”

Castiel nods. “As soon as I have my routine set I will call Anna and make plans.”

Michael inclined his head, accepting Castiel’s terms and started back towards the parking lot. Castiel and Gabe followed behind, the older of the two telling him all about his trip to San Francisco and the chocolate factory out there. Eventually Gabe had quieted down, realizing that his cousin’s focus was on the man leaning against the sleek black muscle car.

“Baby?” Castiel asked when they were close to Dean. 

“What?” Gabe asked in shock at the same time as Michael managed, “Excuse me?”

Dean laughed and nodded his head. “Cas, meet Baby. Baby,” Dean ran his hand lovingly along the door. “Meet Cas.”

“Wait? You named your car  _ Baby _ ?” Gabe asked. “We’ve ridden in it!” He looks at his brother in confusion. “How did we not know he gave his car a pet name?”

Michael just laughed and handed a bag to Dean. “He needs to follow up with his outpatient therapist and they filled his prescriptions here, so he should be okay for the month with that. I recommend that you have them filled one to two weeks before they are out.”

Castiel huffed and rolled his eyes leaning against Baby. He mirrored Dean’s stance, right leg crossed over the left at the ankles, arms folded over his chest, head tilted slightly to keep the setting sun from blinding him as he looked over at Michael.

Dean glanced at Cas, giving him a small smile before addressing Michael. “I’ll make sure that  _ Cas  _ takes care of it.”

“It’s important that he does not lapse in these, Dean. Even weening off of them without doctor super-” Dean held his hand up to stop Michael’s word vomit.

“Michael. I get it. It’s gonna be okay,” Dean looks to Cas who is openly watching him. “Right, Cas?”

Castiel feels the corner of his mouth curl up as he nods. “Yeah.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

The ride back to Castiel’s house is quiet except for the pur of the Impala’s engine. Dean let’s Castiel have his peace as he runs through his own mental check list. The quiet, normally, wouldn’t bother Dean. However given the circumstances, it has him on edge. 

“Do you need assistance with dinner?” Castiel asked as he picked at the inner seam of his jeans.

Dean debates on shaking his head no but decides that maybe Castiel needs to do something to feel useful. “Yeah, actually. You’re on potato duty.”

The left corner of Castiel’s mouth lifts up in a small smile. “I would like that,” he concurred as Dean pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex. 

Dean quickly grabbed Castiel’s bag, waving him off and motioning for Castiel to lead the way inside.

Castiel was hesitant when he first opened the door. He didn’t know what to expect. Sure Dean had been staying there, but to what extent? Was he just there to keep it safe? Or did he make it home?

Castiel toed off his shoes by the door, taking in the space before him. Everything looked relatively the same. The only big difference he noticed visually was the pillow on the couch next to the folded blanket, proof that Dean had slept there, and the fresh cut flowers on veranda behind the couch.

He could feel Dean’s eyes on him as he moved to the flowers. The air in the apartment didn’t feel stagnant or musty, a fear that Castiel had. His fingers ghost along the blue flower’s petals and he glances at Dean who has rubbed the back of his neck.

“Charlie suggested putting flowers in here, to give it more life or something,” Dean shrugs and sets Castiel’s bag down. “I liked the smell of the sweet peas and their color.”

“They’re beautiful, Dean.” Castiel leans down to smell their fragrance. “Very subtle.”

“Uh yeah…” Dean stammered.

Castiel couldn’t help the small smile. “So? Potatoes?”

This seemed to snap Dean out of the nervousness he had been feeling. He grins at Castiel. “Yes, dinner!” He heads to the kitchen, pushing the sleeves of his henly up his arms. “So for cheese, you have a choice of gouda, gruyere, provolone or mozzarella.”

Castiel chuckles and leans against the counter, watching Dean make himself at home in the kitchen. “Why so many options?”

“Honestly? I didn’t know what you’d like,” Dean laughs. I knew you were a wine man, so I figured you might like the fancier sh-stuff.”

“Shit.”

“What?” Dean spun to look at Castiel in concern.

Castiel laughed. “Shit. I know you say it, Dean. Feel free to speak normal.”

“Jesus, Cas,” Dean muttered under his breath while shaking his head. 

“Why not just get cheddar?” Castiel asked, reaching past Dean to grab a glass from the cabinet. “It’s that the standard, is it not?”

“Yes,” Dean places something wrapped in butcher’s paper on the counter. “But even that’s not simple. There are so many variations of cheddar-“

“Dean,” Castiel cuts him off with a small smile. “Are you a foodie?”

Dean cocks an eyebrow at the question, handing Castiel the potatoes and peeler. “No, I just take my food very seriously.”

Castiel laughs. “Well, cheese preference does not matter to me, Dean. I was promised the “best damn burger” and I expect just that.”

Dean bit his cheek when Castiel used the finger quotes to keep from grinning at the man like a damned fool. He had always found that little quirk of Cas’ endearing while they skyped but to see it live and in person, that was something else altogether.  

“One best damn burger, coming right up.”

The two men worked side by side. Castiel had made a joke about Dean handling meat like a professional and resulted in Dean flicking water at the other man while they both snickered like school aged boys. Castiel was thankful that his cousins let him have this night with Dean. He didn’t know what to expect but it was nice to have someone that makes him laugh and allows him to do things on his own.

Castiel was even surprised when Dean handed him the knife, giving him the task of slicing up the onions, tomatoes and potatoes. Dean definitely had a different way of handling Cas than was he was used too. It was refreshing. As much as he loves his cousins, they can get a bit over bearing after his episodes. Although, Castiel completely understood why they would be like that.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice startles Castiel. “Dude, where’d you go?”

“Oh, nowhere. Just silent reflection.”

Dean nodded. “Well, if you ever get lonely going down that road, I’ve been told I have a pretty good ear.”

Dean instructed Castiel to set the table while he got the finishing touches on their burgers. His phone pinged with a new incoming message.

_ >> Dean-o! Make sure Cassie takes his pill.  _

_ >>He’s notorious for skipping the PM ones _

Dean rolled his eyes, typing a quick response. 

_ << He’s a big boy Gabe.  _

_ << I can’t force him to get better.  _

_ << He has to want it _

_ >>Make him *want* it then!! ;-) _

_ << Goodnight Gabriel _

Dean shuts his phone off just as he hears a groan come from Cas. He looks over to see him shove his phone aside and slouch back in his chair. Dean brings over the drinks first. Dean may not be much of a tea drinker but there was one type that he would drink and loved. 

“You’re not allergic to strawberries right?” He asks before putting the glass down.

Cas shakes his head. “What is it?” he asks nodding his head at the glass. 

“A Winchester original. My mom used to make this in the summers. Always said that the sun would bring extra love and flavor to the brew.” He laughed at Castiel’s confused look. “It’s sun tea with hand squeezed lemonade and strawberries.”

“Sounds delicious.”

Dean sets the drink down and moves to get the food. He pauses briefly before going to the living room where Castiel’s bag still sits. Grabbing the prescription, he curses Gabriel but still stands by his stance that Castiel has to want to get better.

He places the orange bottle on the dark wood table. Close enough for Castiel to reach it, but far enough away that he has to actually look at the offending thing. Dean doesn’t say anything and goes back to his task of getting their plates.

The smell of the meat mixture - apparently Dean prefers a blend of ground chuck and pork for his patties – bacon and the vinegar from the homemade chips makes Castiel’s mouth water. As hungry as he is, he can’t stop looking at the damn bottle.

“Aren’t you going to tell me to take it?” Castiel asked, a slight edge of annoyance colors his tone. Dean pops a potato in his mouth and raises his eyebrow in question as he chews. Castiel sighs. “The pills,” he motions to the bottle. “Aren’t you going to nag me about how I have to take it and if I don’t then the last couple of months were for naught, etcetera etcetera?”

Dean shakes his head. “Nope. I’m not a licensed physician even if I would look great in scrubs.” Castiel can’t help chuckle at his friend’s vanity. “Listen dude. I want you to get better. More than anything because I want to see you happy and with your little girl again, but I will not force you to do something you don’t want to do. You’re a big boy, Cas. You can make your own decisions. You want to take you pill. Take it. You don’t, fine. We’ll figure it out and take care of the crap that  _ might _ come.”

Castiel just stares at Dean as he processes this information. He’s so used to everyone fighting him, forcing him to do what they want that Dean’s approach is quite startling. A blessed release yes but it also sends him into a tailspin of sorts. Dean isn’t going to baby him. Dean is letting him take care of himself.

Castiel pushes the swelling in his chest to the side as he grabs for the pill bottle and takes one. Dean hides the smile on his face behind the pretense of taking a huge bite of his burger, pleased to see that Castiel is willing to fight for himself.


	11. Chapter 11

###  Pontiac, Illinois

Dean had every right to brag about his burger making skills as that burger the first night back was in fact, the best damn burger Castiel had ever had. More importantly that first night home, was the best night he had when it came time to returning home. The biggest thing for him was the fact that Dean was letting him make his own decisions. 

Castiel was so used to having either Michael or Gabe coddle him when we was released from the hospital that a part of him had expected Dean to be the same. In the mornings he would expect Dean to nag him into taking his pills. He expected an exasperated look when Castiel would curl up on himself to read or gaze out the window. He waited for the raised voice telling him that he needs to stop the pity parties and grow up.

But it never came. 

They started a routine, which was good. It helped Castiel to know what to expect. In the mornings that Dean worked, Castiel would wake up to a cup of fresh coffee, flavored to perfection with the splash of caramel sauce and creamer. Next to the mug would be something for breakfast; either a cheese and pepper omelet, scrambled eggs with bacon and fried potatoes, bagel and cream cheese or toast and fruit. The latter makes Castiel chuckle, he’s learned that if Dean is running late the toaster is his best friend. 

Of course Dean leaves the another one of the offending orange bottles by Castiel’s mug. A gentle reminder of ‘here’s your meds, don’t forget it’. Even though they had been doing this song and dance for nearly a month, it still surprised Castiel that he never once heard Dean ask or remind him about the meds. 

This morning Castiel is actually proud of himself and judging by the smile Dean gives him while Cas is on the phone, Dean was just as proud. Castiel was honestly surprised that the pharmacy was willing to fill his prescription as early as he called it in but he was glad that they would. After all with most medications, especially mood stabilizers and his anti-anxiety medications, it wasn’t a wise idea to lapse in therapies.

Speaking of therapies, today was the day he was going to meet his new outpatient therapist. He was nervous about it but glad to be rid of Dr. Masochist. Even Dean seemed to be encouraged by the prospect of a new therapist. 

“Just call me when you’re done and I’ll be here,” Dean says as he pulls up to the medical offices. 

Castiel tears his eyes away from the red stone building to look at Dean. He smiles at his friend, a warmth filling his chest as Dean’s willingness to sacrifice his time for him.

“I appreciate that, Dean, but I got this.”

Dean placed his hand on Castiel’s shoulder and gave him a light squeeze. “Go kick it in the ass man.”

Once in the office, Castiel sees the taillights of them impala leave and he lets out a heavy breath. Dr. Lewis’ office was not at all what he expected. She had a tv in the corner with a collection of DVDs ranging from Children and family movies and shows, to horror flicks and prime time series. Warm colors on the wall and furniture with the soft glow of the lighting makes

Castiel feel at easy as he hands in his intake paperwork. He spots the helium tank in the corner  of the nurse’s station and smiles.

“I bet the children love the balloons,” he comments. The nurse – Lissette according to her name  tag - looking over his paperwork looks up and smiles at him.

“Honestly, I think we use it more for parties in office than children,” she chuckles and brushes  her hair over her shoulder. “And we have a few adults that prefer to take a balloon home.

Sometimes it’s the little things that make a tough session worth it.”

Castiel nodded and moved back to his seat, where his leg bounced as he picked at his nails,  waiting for his name to be called.

Another nurse, this one with a short crop of purple hair, and a wide bright smile, opens the door.  “Mr. Novak?” she asks as if there were others in the room.

Castiel stands and gives her a small wave.

“Looks like you’re our next contestant,” she says with a wink. “Come on down.”

This nurse had introduced herself as Irma and lit up when Castiel comments on her scrubs  covered with various guinea pigs. As she took his vitals she explained the process to him.  Apparently Dr. Lewis takes your vitals before each visit so that way she can gage how best to  proceed with the visit.

“Don’t need your blood pressure to explode while there.”

Castiel nodded, already sure that this therapist would be much better than what he has had in  the past.

Finally he was brought to the room. If he thought the collection of DVDs were interesting,  nothing compared to the way this room was decorated. Dark rich woods were used in the  creation of the bookshelves, desk and tables. The bookshelves had pictures of what he  assumed where family and friends of the doctor as well as books that looked well-loved and well  read. Instead of motivational posters or degrees plastering the walls, the doctor had music  posters on the wall. Some appeared to even been autographed. He moved closer to one poster  in particular, admiring the artwork of the comic book-esque style from the band Green Day. He  was familiar with some of their music as Gabe had loved them for years. 

“For being men in their mid to late fourties, they still put on one hell of a show.” A female voice  cut through the silence. Castiel jumped slightly at the sound of her voice but was greeted with a  smile.  “Sorry about that, probably should have knocked first. I’m Dr. Lewis, but please call me  Sydney.” She stuck out her hand and Castiel shook it. Definitely not conventional in her jeans  torn in the knees, a Walking Dead t-shirt and multiple charms around her neck.

“Castiel or Cas, whichever you prefer.”

Her smile widened. “Cas it is then!”

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

Castiel was very happy with his first visit with Sydney. Rather than dragging up the past and  making him open up about things he wasn’t ready for, she wanted to know more about him. She  asked him questions about his job, his home life, his hopes and goals. When he had mentioned  Dean, he saw the way her chocolate colored eyes lit up and seemed to have calculated  something.

She did ask a few questions about his and Dean’s relationship, but didn’t push the matter. He  knew it was something that she was going to touch upon again later, especially if her note  taking was any indication.

What Castiel didn’t like was the assignment she had given him. She wanted him to do a video  diary everyday where they will go over in the next session. She wants him to record whatever  he feels is worthy of remembering, things such as exciting news, going to parties. Even his feelings regarding something, whether it’s a fight with a family member, or upsetting news.

“Think Survivor’s confessionals,” Sydney had explained. “The important thing is to be honest.  The first thing I expect to see is your reaction to this assignment. I can tell you don’t like it. So  tell me about it on the video.”

He had plenty to say on this matter and right now he was irritated and Dean wasn’t helping his mood.

“Cas, man. Relax. We’ll get a camera for you to use and it’ll be okay. It just seems inconvenient  now because it’s unconventional.” Dean tried to sooth through the phone’s earpiece. 

Castiel pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled deeply. “It’s stupid Dean. What good does  talking to myself prove? Not to mention the colossal waste of income this will be. What other  use do I have for the camera?”

Dean chuckled again and Castiel could hear the clank of metal hitting upon metal. “You never  know, Cas. You might start dating again and want a few memories of your own.”

Cas scoffed. “I prefer photographs. I have yet to find a lover whose sound I enjoyed.”

Now it was Castiel’s turn to laugh as Dean struggled for a response. There was a loud clank followed by Dean grumbling out a stream of swear words.

“Dean? Are you alright?”

“Peachy, Cas. Where are you? I’m about to clean up and I can come get you.”

Castiel smiled as he slipped his key into the lock of his apartment. “I actually just got home.”

“You hungry? We can get some lunch before getting your camera.” Dean offered.

“I pick this time. That Italian place was not the best,” he teased knowing Dean was rolling his eyes at the comment. The place wasn’t that bad, it had had a nice ambiance and the staff were very friendly and attentive but their food was less than desirable.

“It’s a date,” Dean responded quickly. “See ya in ten.”

Even though Castiel knew Dean was just using a popular expression, he couldn’t help the flutter when Dean had called their lunch a date. He had hoped that this infatuation for the other man would have died down, especially since they were practically living together. That’s when you find out how the person truly is, but for Castiel, he has found himself falling more for Dean in these close of quarters.

Sure, Dean has a few ticks Cas could do without, like the flinging of bottle caps and not landing in the trash. Or even the fact that Dean is a stress cleaner. The last one isn’t too bad. And the positive things outweigh the negative. Castiel likes having someone to cook with, someone to do the shopping with, even if Dean sometimes acts like a kid with the cart. He also likes how Dean seems to sense when Castiel needs to have quiet time, perfectly content to sit in the same room with him on the laptop or reading besides Cas.

There are also the times when Dean does things that confuses Castiel as far as what Dean wants from their arrangement. Little touches and  brushes of his hand to Castiel’s when they are walking. Always planning his days off around Castiel’s desires and using the term ‘we’ when discussing things. 

Maybe he should talk to Dr. Lewis about this.

Dean is home in less than five minutes and after a brief hello runs into the shower. Castiel just smiles and places the keys to the Impala into the bowl by the door. He looks at the way his keys and Dean’s blend together and he lets his mind wander for a moment, what it would be like. To have something more than Dean being a friend who is caring for Cas. What it would be like to have Ben over with them, helping him with homework while Dean cooks and gives his advice. What it would be like to fall asleep in Dean’s arms. Who would be the clinger? Him or Dean? Would Dean be the kind of guy to wake his partner up with light kisses and touches? 

Castiel quickly shakes his head, trying to clear his mind from those thoughts. Knowing full and well that this was not a path he needed to go down.

He didn’t have long to dwell on his thoughts as soon, Dean was freshly showered and ready to go. They had agreed to go a local diner for good old fashioned diner food. Dean sat quietly across from Cas in the booth as Castiel looked out the window, completely ignoring the food in front of him.

“Everything okay, Cas?”

Castiel hummed in a non committal way as he nodded his head and turned to smile at Dean. “Just thinking. I’m sorry if I seem out of it.”

Dean shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it, man. You had an exciting day.” Castiel snorts at this and takes a bite of his burger. Dean clears his throat and sits up straighter in his seat. “So I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Cas puts his burger down and finishes his bite. “Oh? Is everything okay? Do you need to go home soon?”

“Oh no, everything's fine. It’s just Sammy’s birthday is coming up and I would love to see him for it.”

“Of course. You’ve been gone from him for a while. I can call Gabe or even Anna, I’m sure someone can stay with me while you’re gone.”

“You don’t need a babysitter, Cas.” Dean’s voice is exasperated as he tosses his napkin on the table. “I bet once Dr. Lewis sees how you’ve been doing, she’ll agree with me.”

Castiel only shrugs and pulls the pickle out of his burger. 

“What I was trying to say, Cas was that if it was okay, Sammy came out here. He and Charlie want to see you. Even Ben has been asking about you.”

Castiel tilts his head in thought. “They want to come here?”

Dean nods. “Yeah. Well, Sammy said he can get a pass to the base here and Charlie will bring Ben over. I figured you’d be more comfortable with them here than going to Michigan for the weekend.”

Castiel couldn’t help the smile that graced his lips. “You really thought about this huh?” The tips of Dean’s ears tinged pink, an adorable sight on the man if you ask Castiel. 

Dean cleared his throat and nodded. “I was preparing myself to tell Sammy that his birthday would be in Illinois this year, should he want to celebrate it with me, but he said that him and Charlie had been talking and he wanted you to celebrate it with us.”

Castiel grinned wider and placed his hand over Dean’s in the center of the table, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I would like that. I look forward to celebrating with your family.”

Dean scoffed and shook his head. “Our family, Cas. You’re family, man.”

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

Dean helped Cas pick out a video camera with, of course, the help and instruction of Charlie. Dean could see how much Castiel hated this idea but bit his tongue as far as saying anything about how it will help Cas. He made a promise not to push Cas and he’ll be damned if he’ll break it.

When he called Sam to let him know that Cas was okay with the three of them coming for a visit, Sam sounded genuinely relieved. Dean knew that Sam cares for Cas, but he also knew that his brother was afraid of pushing the other man too soon. Dean assured him that Castiel was thrilled and already talking about sleeping arrangements and menus for the weekend. That bit of information had seemed to calm most of Sam’s fears and Dean was glad. The weekend that they would be here was for Sam to have fun and relax, not stress. 

Naturally, when Dean had deflected from that can of worms, Sammy went towards talking about Dean’s feelings. A subject Dean was tired of having brought up. No matter how many times he tells Sam to drop it, it always comes up. Only this time he tells Sam to drop it, Sam has a new response. 

“You could always tell Dr. Lewis how you’re feeling,” Sam suggests.

“What the hell, Sam? How did you know her name?”

“Cas.…” Sam clears his throat. “He called me the other day to see if there was anything in particular I wanted for my birthday.”

“Jesus Christ,” Dean pinches the bridge of his nose. “And?”

“And we got to talking about his therapy sessions and how much he likes Dr. Lewis even if he thinks the video diary is a colossal waste of time. He even mentioned that she wanted to have a session with you, just to get a feel for the person who is sharing his their life with Cas.”

Dean shakes his head as he grabs a socket wrench from the workbench. “No, Cas would have mentioned it to me. He’s seen Dr. Lewis for nearly three weeks now, he definitely would have said something.”

“Maybe he was afraid to,” Sam offers. 

Dean pauses, he’s blankly staring at the engine compartment of the Toyota he was working on as he mulls over what his brother said. Why would Cas be afraid to talk to him about this? The thought is unsettling for Dean. 

“Listen, Sammy. I have to drop a transmission. I’ll talk to Cas and see if he wants me to see Dr. Lewis.”

“So you’ll talk to her? Even if she makes you talk about your feelings?” Sam sounds way to happy at the prospect for Dean’s liking.

“For Cas, yeah.”

Sam lets out a breath. “You really like him huh?”

“Yeah, Sammy. I do.”

Turns out Sam was telling the truth. Castiel did want to talk to Dean about seeing Dr. Lewis but was afraid to mention anything to him because he didn’t want him to feel obligated. So now Dean is sitting in Dr. Lewis’ office looking at a very pretty brunette who was waiting patiently for him to start talking. 

“I bet you could give my brother some tips on where to get some shirts out here,” Dean says with a slight chuckle. Dr. Lewis raises her eyebrow at him and he shrugs. “When he’s not in uniform he’s in flannel.”

“Oh,” She straightens the flannel over shirt and laughs softly. “I actually raided my husband’s closet for this one. He doesn’t have many.” She gives a shrug.

Dean nods and absently looks around the office at the music posters. “No Zeppelin or Metallica?” 

This time Dr. Lewis laughs harder. “That’s where Castiel got the obsession with  _ Houses of the Holy _ .”

Dean grins at her. “I tried to get him into  _ Ramble On _ but he prefers that one. I like to think I’ve broadened his musical tastes.”

“Can I ask you something, Dean?”

Dean rubs his hands along his thighs before strumming his fingers along his knees. “That’s kind of your job, ain’t it Doc?”

Dr. Lewis laughs again and Dean is struck by the thought that before Cas, he would have hit on the doctor even if she was married. 

“Very true.” She tucks her leg under her, getting comfortable. “You seem like a caretaker. Always sacrificing yourself to make sure the ones you love or care about are happy. Am I wrong?”

“No you’re right. It’s something I’ve done since I was kid. Started with Sammy, then when I got into it with my Dad as a teenager, I had to take care of myself and just made it my job to make sure my friends and family were okay.”

“Fight with your dad?”

Dean nods again. “Yeah when I younger I was learning who I was and started a relationship with a friend, Benny. My dad didn’t take to kindly to the relationship.”

“Because Benny was male?” 

“When I was younger, that’s what I thought it was. But now that I’m older that wasn’t what my dad was so pissed about. He actually likes Benny, he just felt that I was ignoring responsibilities to be in the relationship.” Dean leans forward and rests his forearms on his knees. “See here’s the thing, John Winchester is a Marine. At a young age Sammy and I were told to be what we wanted from our free spirit, hippie mother and that we were expected to keep up with the family tradition and be military men, like John.”

“You didn’t go with tradition.”

Dean shakes his head. “I couldn’t. I was going to until I ran into Lisa again and discovered that I had a kid I didn’t know about. I felt like I had already failed as a father by not being there for him and I couldn’t justify going into the Military when they clearly needed me so much. Sammy on the other hand. He went into it. Which I’m glad for him, because it gave him something to bond with Dad. Like I always had the love of classic rock and cars but the only thing Sammy had was the hunting.”

“Tell me about Ben, how’s he handling you being here?”

Dean smiles. “Benji… he’s great. A great kid, far more understanding about things that I was at that age. He’s a little bummed that I’m not at home but he’s told me he’s happy that I’m here helping Cas.”

“So they’ve met before?” 

“Oh yeah, it was briefly in person. Sammy was in the hospital when Claire was. As a dad I felt a connection to him that night. I sat with him once I knew Sammy was okay.”

“And you continued to communicate with him. Why?”

Dean didn’t even realize what Dr. Lewis was doing. He was just answering her questions as if there was nothing behind them. “Well, he seemed like he needed a friend, his ex is a total bitch and I wanted him to know that there were people that cared. That and I felt drawn to him. Like I had seen him before or something.”

“What do you mean?”

Dean scrubbed a hand over his face and exhaled a long breath. “Here’s the thing, for as long as I can remember I have these dreams.”

Dr. Lewis shifts in her spot, sitting up straighter. “What kind of dreams, Dean?”

He chuckles darkly. “That’s the thing. It’s hard to describe without sounding crazy.”

She gives him a sympathetic smile. “Try me.”

So he does. He tells her about the dreams of the blue eyes and how he was always drawn to them. He explains the color and how it wasn’t until the first time he met Cas had he ever seen that color possible in human eyes. He then explains how the dreams changed after that meeting, slowly filling in the detail of the eyebrows and cheeks. About how before he got the call from Michael and Gabe about Cas being in the hospital he had a dream where the eyes looked so sad and broken and Dean’s heart felt like it was being crushed. That the physical ache was deep enough that he’s sure his soul felt it.

Then he explains how his Mom would always say that these dreams where dreams of his soulmate, the one he was destined to love and spend eternity with. He laughs at the memory, remembering how he originally dismissed it because he knew that theses had belonged to a man and at the time, his fling with Benny hadn’t happened. Before he knows it he’s word vomiting to Castiel’s therapist. Things that he’s sure she’s going to judge him for but he knows that she won’t tell another soul either.

He tells her how he feels about Castiel. How there are times he lies out on the couch and hears Castiel crying at night and how Dean will be at war at himself because every fiber of his being wants to go to Cas and hold him, comfort him, but he knows he can’t cross that line. No matter how bad he wants too. 

“Why can’t you cross that line? Have you told Castiel how you’ve felt?” 

Dean shakes his head and gives her the excuse that Castiel is his best friend and doesn’t see Dean in that way, so why ruin a good thing with something stupid like feelings. He can tell that Dr. Lewis isn’t happy with his response but he’s thankful that she doesn’t fight him on it. 


	12. Chapter 12

###  Pontiac, Illinois

Dean was bursting with nervous energy as he and Castiel went shopping for the last time before Castiel’s house was going to be full of Winchesters. Dean’s excitement was contagious. Castiel was genuinely looking forward to seeing Sam, Charlie and Ben but he also wondered what part of Dean’s enthusiasm was impacting his overall excitement.

Regardless, the prospect of having the house full was thrilling. Castiel had helped Dean prepare Claire’s room for Charlie. In truth it was more Dean talking Cas off a ledge and what should have taken maybe four to six hours of reorganizing and moving in the bigger bed , took all weekend and most of the following Monday.

When the issue of where Sam and Ben were going to sleep, Dean had assured him that the three Winchesters would be just fine in the living room. Dean even joked saying that he'd build a blanket fort and they could camp in. Castiel just shook his head and rolled his eyes fondly at Dean, reminding himself to get a couple of air mattresses. 

The three were to start arriving Thursday afternoon and would stay until the following Monday. Sam's birthday was actually the previous Tuesday and even though Sam had assured him it was fine that Dean wasn't there. Despite the wide smile the younger Winchester gave them over the skype call, Castiel still felt as if he was monopolizing his friend and taking him from his family. It wasn't fair to Dean and Castiel hated it.

When Dr. Lewis had seen the videos preparing to the visit, Castiel could see the concern in her eyes. She had asked him how he was sleeping, to which she received a non-committal shrug and a muttered okay. The truth was, even with the pills, Cas wasn't sleeping. If any sleep was to be had, it was during the day, on the couch with his face buried in Dean's pillow. The power naps helped him be somewhat functional but he knew that everyone around him were worried. 

Dr. Lewis decided to up his meds a bit, just to see it they level things out. Castiel still didn't like the video diary.

That's where Dean found Castiel when he got home early Thursday afternoon. He had called out to Cas, expecting a response but was only greeted to what sounded as if Castiel was having a disagreement. Dean placed his phone on the charging dock, noticing Cas' in the dock as well and Dean was curious as to who was at the apartment. Sure the gang were on their way but would be there later than planned.

"Hey, Cas?" Dean called out cautiously, making his way to Cas' bedroom.

"In here," Cas called out. Dean breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't hear any other voices and made his way to the door. There in Castiel's room was Cas sitting in center of his bed. His legs were folded and crossed in front of him as he glared at the red dot blinking at him from the corner of the room. Dean had helped Cas set the camera up on the tripod, showing him how to work the remote so that the camera didn't need to be moved. 

"Sorry, I didn't realize you were doing a therapy video," Dean apologized and turned to give Castiel his privacy.

"No, Dean, please don't leave me. I feel like and idiot talking to this thing." Cas looks down at his hands in his lap with a frown.

"Well..." Dean sits on the side of Cas' bed, bending his right leg as the left braces him. "Why do you feel like that?"

Castiel looks over his shoulder and raises an eye brow at Dean. "Seriously?" Dean nods. "Because I'm having a one sided conversation with an overpriced object. How does that make sense? How can anyone, let alone a medical professional like Sydney?"

Dean shrugs. "As long as you’re honest I don't see what the problem is. Sure it's off-putting because you're essentially talking to yourself, but if you can't be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with?"

Cas flops back onto the bed, his head falling near Dean's knee. He looks at Dean. "You." he says simply. 

Dean swallows the lump suddenly in his throat as he playfully musses up Castiel's hair. "Then talk to me buddy. Don't think of the camera as a camera but me." Castiel rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling. So Dean tries a different tactic. 

"What's bothering you, Cas."

"Nothing," the man mutters, this time Dean rolls his eyes.

"Now, you're lying to me."

"No. Nothing's bothering me. I'm numb to it all. And it's utter bullshit because I know something good is about to happen. We're about to have smiling faces and sounds of laughter here and all I want to do is hide and cry."

"Why?" Dean asks. "Does my family scare you?"

Cas moves his head to look at Dean again. "Not at all. I fell in love with Charlie and her unusual ways of making friends that first night. And Sam, sending his little care packages while I was in the hospital, it meant so much to me that he put that much thought into these wonderful books. And Ben," Castiel smiles fondly. "He's your son, how could I not love him?"

"We're not dating, Cas," Dean chuckles, trying to hide the disappointment in his own voice when he sees it reflected in Castiel's eyes. "You're not obligated to like them."

"I know that. I want them here. I want them to meet Gabe and Michael. But I..." Castiel trails off looking back up at the ceiling.

"But you still want to hide." Dean finishes and watches Cas bite his bottom lip with a small nod in agreement. "Listen man, I know we Winchesters are a handful, but just say the word and I'll get them out of your hair so you can rest and recharge."

"I appreciate that, Dean."

"How does this weekend make you feel?" Dean asks, knowing what Dr. Lewis was looking for.

Castiel takes a deep breath. "Excited, nervous, elated," he moves his head in a way that Dean would imagine he would tilt it to think. "And in a way I feel longing."

"Why the last one?"

Castiel sighs. "Because I want my daughter here. I want to celebrate Sam, but I want Claire here. After all without those two," Castiel looks up at Dean again and reaches over his head to place his hand on Dean's denim clad knee. "I wouldn't have you."

Dean decided to ignore the strange sensations that Castiel’s words stirred within him.

*****

Dean had just pulled the lasagna out of the oven when the familiar knock sounded on the door. He bit back a chuckle at the way Castiel's head popped up off the couch, looking much like the prairie dogs he watches on Animal Planet. Dean pats the back of the couch as he passes it, his silent signal to Cas, letting the man know to relax, he's got this.

When Dean opens the door, he's attacked by both a preteen and a short redhead. He laughs as he stumbles wrapping an arm around both. Charlie leans up and kisses his cheek, then immediately jumps onto the couch next to Cas, where Dean sees her tackle him into a hug.

Ben hugs his father's waist tighter and Dean can't help but return it. He can feel, rather than hear, his son mumble something into his chest, but he doesn't bother to correct him or have him repeat it.

"Hi Sammy," Dean says with a wide smile as Sam comes in with several bags. 

Sam gives him a smile and waits for Ben to disentangle himself before he embraces his older brother tightly. "Sammy, can't breathe," Dean jokes.

"Oh shut up, jerk."

"Bitch," Dean muttered, earning a laugh from his kid brother.

Dean shows Sam where to store their things and gives him a quick rundown of the apartment before he heads back into the kitchen to finish up dinner. Sam follows him and grabs a beer out of the fridge for himself and Dean.

"Dude Lagunitas?" Sam's eyebrows jump to his hairline.

Dean shrugs. "It's your birthday, I figured, why the hell not." Castiel actually had the idea of supplying Sam's favorite beer for the weekend. But of course Cas being Cas, didn't want any credit for it.

"Well, thanks man." Sam says with a smile, popping the top off Dean's drink then his own. Dean sees the six foot four moose lean against the kitchen sink and watch him.

"What?" Dean asks.

"You look good. I mean you look happy. Happier than you ever did with Lisa."

Dean looks at his brother as if he's high. "Uhh thanks?"

Sam just shrugs. "I mean with Lisa it was just playing house for Ben's sake. But here you look relaxed, at home. Definitely something different here."

Dean nods and happens to look up and see Castiel watching him from the couch. He gives Dean a small smile, almost shy like before returning his attention to whatever Charlie is roping him and Ben into.

"Yeah, there's something different here," Dean agrees. "I miss home though. But I can't leave ya know?"

"You really care about him huh?"

Dean nods again and hands Sam a red onion. "I do. It scares the shit out of me."

"Because Cas is a dude?" Sam asks softly from Dean's side as his cuts red onion slices for the salad.

"Dude, no!" Dean sounds offended that his brother would even think that.

"Then what's to be scared of?"

"Everything..."

*****

Friday the five of them spent the majority of the day doing anything that involved sports. They had started the late morning, after a filling breakfast of the fluffiest pancakes Castiel ever had the pleasure of consuming, with miniature golf. Charlie had suggested it because the walking around would help the bloat. After Ben winning it was then decided to go to the batting cages. 

Both Castiel and Charlie sat this particular event out, opting to stand behind the cages and cheering the others on. Charlie started giggling and looped her arm through Castiel’s.

“What’s so funny?” Castiel asked, not taking his eyes off Dean as he did a few practice swings before the machine starts up. 

“You’re smitten.” 

“I really am,” he agrees with a nod and small smile. 

Charlie feigns a gasp and looks up at him. “You’re not even going to deny it?”

He shrugs. “What’s the point? I’ve known since I was in the hospital that I liked him. And I’ve known for nearly two weeks that I want to be with him. To have more than a friendship…” He leaves off when Dean turns to them real quick.

“I’m gonna knock it out of the park,” he says winking at them before getting back into his stance.

“But?” Charlie asked before the resound thwack of the bat making contact with the fastball echoes around them. Both she and Cas cheer widely for Dean who braces for another ball.

Castiel looks at Charlie like she’s grown two heads. “But? He’s straight, Charlie.”

She rolls her eyes. “Maybe because he hasn’t met the right guy,” she teases bumping her hip with Cas’. 

Castiel laughs and shakes his head. “As much as I want him, I can’t imagine losing his friendship.”

*****

After the batting cages the gang heads off to the indoor go karts. Four races in and Dean is being a sore loser. Not so much that he was losing but he was losing to his little brother.

“Dad, they have bumper cars,” Ben suggests and the party moves on. Again Castiel sits this one out. By doing so he gave Dean a chance to ride with Ben as they went after Sam and Charlie’s car.

Even though Castiel was happy to be included in the Winchester’s day but there was still a hole in his heart, wishing that Claire could have been with them. She would have loved the bumper cars, especially the chance to “drive”.

He got lost in his thoughts, imaging Claire’s giggle as she drove into Sam and Charlie’s car, or even Dean and Ben’s. It wasn’t until a pretzel with cheese sauce joined his line of sight did he realize he had company.

“Hope I did this right. Dean’s always better and knowing what people like.” Cas looks up to see Sam sitting besides him.

“Oh no, this is perfect. I don’t remember the last time I had a fresh pretzel.”

“Need to go to Sam’s Club with Dean. It’s like a tradition to get a pretzel and a root beer. He’ll tried to convert you to mustard instead of cheese sauce though,” Sam explains with a grin as he dunks a piece of his own food.

Castiel smiles and shakes his head. “That’s blasphemy. Cheese trumps mustard.”

Sam laughs. “Exactly!” The two much in silence as they watch the remaining three chase each other and cause collisions. “Thank you,” Sam says softly making Castiel look at the younger Winchester.

“For?” 

“This,” Sam shrugs. “You didn’t have to agree for us to come out for the weekend.”

“I wanted you all here.” Castiel objects.

“That’s what Dean says,” Sam looks out at his brother who is now helping Charlie out of the bumper car. “You’ll have to forgive my brother, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to his emotions. I may not know what exactly he’s thinking, but I do know that he cares about you. He cares a lot.”

Castiel hums as he chews on the pretzel. Not wanting to comment how he’s feeling to Sam.

****

The final stop for the night was to Dave & Busters. The group enjoyed several kinds of appetizers, sampled each other’s meal - except Ben who wanted to play the games as soon as they walked in - and many laughs. The adults even joined in on the games. Dean kicked ass at the trivia game. While Charlie knocked the leader board clean on a zombie hunt game. Sam and Castiel we’re neck and neck on the skee ball but Cas won out, hitting the five hundred point mark at the last minute.

Ben had grabbed Cas’ hand and pulled him towards Dean, asking for the two of them to take pictures with him. Cas was about to suggest Sam take his place, but the hopeful look that Dean gave him was hard to deny. The first set of pictures was more like a set of awkward family photos, the three boys giving the camera awkward smiles and cringe worthy poses. 

As the last snap sounded, Charlie pushed her way in, sitting on Dean’s lap, her legs kicked over Cas’ lap as she grinned at the camera. Charlie’s set looked more like something you would expect from high school kids. Tongues stuck out, middle fingers up, even an exasperated looking Dean as Charlie and Cas pretend to go in for a kiss. When the final click sounds, Charlie is out and Dean and Cas are too busy laughing and pushing at each other to notice someone paid for more photos. 

This batch of photos started with them laughing, Dean’s head thrown back as a fully bodied laugh as Castiel laughs and smiles at him. In the following pictures you can see them calm down and by picture three, Dean has his arm over Cas’ shoulders, pulling him close and making a growling like face to the camera. The last picture still has Dean’s arm around Cas as he looks down at the man in his arms with a small smile as Cas gives a shy smile to the camera. When it prints out, Charlie snatches it quickly, bouncing excitedly, trying not to squeal at the sheer cuteness in the photos while Sam nods approvingly. 

“When should we start calling him our brother?” Charlie asked, only half kidding.

“Let Dean kiss him first,” Sam jokes taking the photo strip and tucking it into the book he got in the prize room. He had an idea for this and couldn’t let them see it yet.

*****

“Alright, Cas. Spill. How do you feel about yesterday?” Dean asked from his spot in the corner in the room by the camera.

“What is this, twenty-twenty?” Cas jokes.

Dean groans. “You apparently think you don’t need to do the diary and I know you’re more comfortable having a conversation then talking to yourself. So spill.”

Cas sighs as he fidgets with the Hoberman sphere he redeemed his tickets for. “I had fun,” he finally says.

It’s Dean’s turn to sigh. “Cas, you know that I support what ever choice you make in your therapies but, man, you gotta be honest with yourself.”

Castiel pushes the sphere back to its smallest shape and keeps his eyes on it in his lap. “I know,” he says.

“Are you afraid to hurt my feelings?” Dean asks.

Cas shrugs. “I don’t know, Dean. I would never lie to you. I promised you that I wouldn’t. I just don’t want you to think less of me.”

Dean leans forward and clasps his hands together between his knees. “Castiel, look at me.”

Castiel mimics Dean’s position and looks straight at him.

“I will not judge you. Ever.” Dean says with so much conviction that Cas is floored. “As long as the red light is on, I want you to open up and talk to me. Just like you did when we would talk on skype. Anything and everything, I want you to just talk okay? Even if it’s something you think would hurt or whatever. Remember what Dr. Lewis said?”

“That this video is for me. It’s to help me be more comfortable with asking for help and expressing my thoughts.”

Dean nods. “So, Cas. How did yesterday make you feel?”

Thus starts a new chapter in Dean and Castiel’s relationship. Not only do they have nightly chats about Castiel’s day and thoughts, but randomly, Dean will record Cas when he is least expecting it. Sometimes he adds his own commentary, maybe some background in a soft voice so that Dr. Lewis will know why Dean is choosing to record Cas at that moment. Other times he stays quiet, letting Castiel’s actions speak for themselves.

What neither of them had expected was to get their reactions to the pictures Sam left in Castiel’s book on film.


	13. Chapter 13

###  Pontiac, Illinois

Dean couldn’t fight it anymore. He definitely had feelings for Castiel and it was getting harder and harder for him to not to say or do something to jeopardize their friendship. Charlie and Sam kept hinting at the fact that Castiel possibly felt the same and that Dean was just too blind to see it. It wasn’t until he caught Cas with the filmstrip from Dave & Busters did he actually see what they were seeing.

Originally what was supposed to happen, was Dean was going to get a little bit of film time of Castiel curled up in the overstuffed chair, his reading glasses low on his nose as his newest book,  _ The Secret Life of Bees _ \- In which is “a good read but misleading in its lack of actual bees, Dean!”. Castiel had told him how Dr. Lewis had asked about any hobbies that makes him happy and Castiel had failed to come up with something. That’s why it was crucial that Dean caught this because Castiel will sit there, complete absorbed in the book. The corner of his mouth curved up slightly and depending on the subject matter, a soft chuckle will be heard.

When Dean saw the shy smile on Cas’ face, Dean knew this was perfect. So when he slid up behind Cas to see what he was reading; the air rushed from his lungs. Castiel was looking at the photo strip. His long fingers ghosting along the final picture. The one of Dean looking down at him, smiling. It was a face that even Dean couldn’t recognize in himself. 

Dean’s eyes, flitter up to one of the other pictures. The one where Cas is watching him laugh. “Jesus,” Dean breathes out. He’s at a loss. The look in Castiel’s eyes is the same as his, only on Cas, Dean knows what that to look it. It’s the look as if Dean is his world. As if the man hung the moon for Castiel. The look of love. 

Castiel closes his book in a hurry, hiding the pictures from Dean, and the camera’s view. “Dean! You frightened me,” he gives an uncomfortable laugh.

“Sorry,” Dean mutters before rushing to put the camera away. Once he knows it’s secure in his tripod, he grabs his keys and calls out that he’ll be back, before taking the stairs two at a time down to the parking lot. 

He slides into the familiar front seat, takes a deep breath, letting the rich leather scent of Baby’s interior wash over him. Calm his nerves before he puts the keys in the ignition. He doesn’t know where he’s going to go or what he’s doing, he just needs to get away. 

Zeppelin plays softly from the speakers and by the time  _ Thank You _ starts to play, Dean has pulled over into the parking lot of a burger joint and has his phone in his hand. There’s a text from Cas asking if everything was okay. Of course he worried Cas. Who wouldn’t be with the abrupt exit. So he shoots a quick response, saying he forgot to pull out a protein for dinner and is grabbing food.

Then he sends a quick group message to Charlie and Sam

_ << You both are dicks.  _

Charlie is the first to respond.

_ >>Tell me you don’t see it. _

_ << Not going to deny it then _

_ >>Nope. It was Sam’s idea to put in Cas’ book. _

Sam finally chimes in.

_ >>Dean I love you. You’re an idiot. Do something before you lose him _

Dean grumbles and closes out of the app before going to his contacts. His thumb hovers over the picture and he weighs the options of going through with the call. Deciding that Sammy was right, Dean needs to do something soon, he hits the call button. It only rings twice before it’s answered.

“Dean?”

“Hey, Mom. Can you talk?”

*******

Castiel sits on the bed and stares at the camera, the red light blinking at him. Mocking him. He’s gotten so used to Dean being in the chair besides it, asking him questions, getting him started on a topic or just listening. 

Castiel goes to the camera and holds up the film strip. “I’m not sure how much of this you saw, Sydney,” he explains as he slowly pulls the strip up, letting each picture focus into the camera view, frame by frame. “But this was one of three photo ops we did.” He chuckles at the memory. “Ben wanted pictures, then Charlie insisted. I’m not sure who paid for this one.” He stops at the last photo. “But I’m glad they did.”

Castiel sits back on the bed and looks at the camera. “I know you know this, you called it.” he chuckles again. “I mean, I knew I was falling for Dean but I never imagined that he was feeling it too.” he looks down at the picture again. “This gives me hope. That maybe I can do something right. Dean makes me believe in a future. In a future that includes his family, my family and our kids.”

He looks up at the camera and widens his eyes, realizing what he said. “I don’t mean as in our kids together! I just mean Ben and Claire.” He takes a deep breath then places the picture carefully back into the book. “I’m going to tell him tonight. I hope I don’t ruin things, that I don’t loose my best friend, but he has to know.”

The sound of the door closing releases the tension in Castiel’s shoulders. “I’ll let you know how it goes,” he tells the camera before hitting to stop button on the remote and going to the front room where he finds Dean. 

He knows Dean is aware of his presence. The quick flash of green eyes in his direction is apparent. Castiel suddenly feels concerned when he notices that his friends eyes are red and swollen as if he had been crying. 

“Dean? Is everything alright?” He asked, moving closer.

Dean, who at this point had been removing his boots, straightens up and grabs the bag off the credenza. “Yeah, I’m good.” He lifts the bag up. “Hungry?” Castiel recognizes the carry out bag from his favorite burger place.

“Starved, actually.” His heart skips when he’s rewarded with a sly smirk from Dean.

“Awesome, two heart attack specials with a side of vampire nightmare sticks. Wanna eat at the table or in the living room?”

Cas glances to the small patio outside the dining nook. It’s really just a space big enough for his herb plants and a small bistro table with two chairs. But with the mid May weather warming up the way it had been, he’s been itching to sit outside. “Join me on the patio?” 

Dean nods. “Yeah, grab us something to drink will ya?”

Once Castiel grabbed two glasses of the strawberry lemonade, he joins Dean who had already placed Cas’ burger and garlic fries at his spot. For a while the both eat in silence, enjoying the soft breeze the makes the wind chimes dance. 

“Hey, Cas?” Dean breaks the silence.

“Yes?”

He clears his throat and shifts nervously in his seat. “I wanna talk to you. About why I left earlier.” Castiel wipes his mouth of crumbs, his attention on Dean. “But before I do that, I gotta tell you something about me and my past.”

“Of course, Dean.”

So Dean lets him in. He tell Castiel about his attraction to Harrison Ford and Captain Kirk growing up and how when he was in high school he had kissed a guy friend playing spin the bottle. Cas laughed at this fact, earning a playful scowl from Dean. 

He then tells Cas about Benny. And to Castiel’s credit, he doesn’t even flinch when Dean  explains how Benny was his first as far as being with another man goes. Dean laughs and shakes his head. “He surprised the shit out of me when he said he was a bottom.” At Castiel’s confused look, Dean pulls out his phone and scrolls to a picture of Benny and Ben. The large man was the very definition of a bear in the gay community but he was more a teddy bear than anything. “He actually encouraged me to talk to my dad about my bisexuality and shit.” 

Dean picked at a fry in his to-go container, dragging it through the bits of garlic and cheese that had fallen off. “I was such a punk to Dad. He got up in my face, yelling at me. Telling me I needed to use my head and wake up. Told me that while I was chasing Benny, I was neglecting my responsibilities to my family.”

“Oh, Dean.” Castiel reaches across the table and places his hand over Dean’s giving it a comforting squeeze.

Dean gives him a sad smile. “I called my Dad a homophobe and left to stay with Benny.” He shakes his head. “I mean, Benny, he’s a great guy. I think you’d like him actually. But we were so young and all I cared about was trying to have this love that my parents have.”

Castiel nods in understanding but doesn’t say anything while Dean sucks in a deep breath before letting it out. “This is not my proudest moment and honestly I’m surprised Benny still had me be his best man at his wedding.”

Castiel squeezes Dean’s hand again, silently telling him to go on.

“So I grew up in a small to mid size suburban town in Kansas. Not a very accepting community at the time.” Dean glances up at Cas to see him nodding in understanding. “Well, again, I was wrapped up in all things Benny, that I didn’t notice the looks we were getting. One day I came home from the garage. Mom was at some stupid debate Sammy was doing and Dad was deployed.”

Dean squeezes Castiel’s hand before breaking contact to lean back in his chair where he looks at the setting sun. “So I get home, I’m tired, smell like fuel cause I had to empty and drop a forty gallon tank,” he shakes his head. “Anyway I get home and spray painted over the garage door that my mother and I literally had just painted that previous weekend,” Dean chuckles at the memory of painting the garage door and shutters the soft butter yellow Mary had selected. “Well in this god awful, baby shit green in, at least, five foot letters was words  _ Faggot Twink _ .”

Castiel sucks in a breath. “No!”

Dean nods. “Yeah and I’m livid. Like it’s one thing to call me names and what not, no big. But that was my mom’s house, you know? You don’t disrespect my mom.”

Castiel shakes his head and Dean can see a small smile with mirth in his eyes. “Spit it out, Cas.”

“I’m sorry,” he chuckles. “I can’t picture you as a twink but knowing you’re a momma’s boy”

“Laugh it up chuckles,” Dean joins him in the laughter. “But I bet when you meet my mom, you’ll be just as much as a momma’s boy.

This sobers Castiel up a bit, his laughter quieting down. “You’d take me home to the folks?”

Dean nods. “Yeah, that’s definitely on the bucket list.”

Castiel bites his lip, suddenly looking very bashful to Dean. He can tell that Cas is biting back a smile and that urge to kiss him came back, but Dean knew if there was ever going to be something between them, he needed to tell him about this.

Dean clears his throat. “So back to my story.”

“Yes, of course,” Castiel nods and grabs a pickle spear from Dean’s box. 

“Remember how I said Dad was deployed?” Castiel nods, but doesn’t say a word. “Well, turns out he wanted to surprise my Mom and didn’t tell her he was coming home. So here I am, barely twenty years old, trying to cover up what this asshat did to my family home. Mind you, I didn’t go to trade school until a year after this so I’m basing my home repair ideas from the crap my mom watches on HGTV.” This makes Castiel laugh a bit.

“So brilliant me is thinking, ‘I got this. I’ll just paint over the crap that looks like Linda Blair threw up.”

“You didn’t,” Cas shakes his head.

“I did. Barely get the F in  _ Faggot _ done when I hear,” Dean clears his throat and sits up. “Boy, you better be planning on sanding that shit before trying to repaint with a lighter color. No son of my is a stupid twink.”

Castiel’s eyebrows jump to his hairline. “No.”

Dean nods. “John fucking Winchester is standing behind me in his utility uniform, shaking his head. He then proceeds to go off on me. Calling me an disappointment and a failure and everything else you could think of before storming into the house.”

“Oh Dean,” Castiel looks at him with sorrow filled eyes.

Dean just shrugs and takes a sip of his drink. “I managed to sand the words off before Mom and Sammy got home. I was prepared to tell mom that we were vandalized and Dad told her some punk kids had egged the garage. She bought it. Thanked me for taking care of it. Then a week later we were hit again.”

“What?!” Castiel is outraged that someone would treat Dean like that. 

Dean nods again. “Yep. But this time the target was Baby. Fuckers keyed her up pretty bad. And Dad, he had a row at me for that one. Said that had I listened to him in the first place and got over this phase, I’d never bring the shame and embarrassment to family. Mom tried to tell him it wasn’t my fault. Hell, even Sammy got in Dad’s face over it. So I left. Took off to Benny’s.”

“Dad was pissed of course. Said I was neglecting my responsibilities and breaking my mother’s heart. Mom wanted me just to be happy. I screwed up, Cas. I moved in with Benny when we had barely started dating. I didn’t really know much besides the physical stuff about him. Things just weren’t great. And I started to question myself, ya know? Like do I really like guys? Was Dad right, this was just a phase?”

“Was it?” Castiel asked.

“Fuck no,” Dean says with certainty and sees something in that response flicker in Castiel’s eyes.

“Wait, you told me what happens next, you leave Benny to live on the open road and find Lisa.”

Dean taps his nose. “Now you know what led me to her.”

“Does you dad still feel that way?”

Dean shakes his head. “At first I thought Dad was being the stereotypical, macho man, Marine. But turns out Dad was more pissed that I was being selfish. He didn’t care whose bed I was in as long as I’m responsible. He really lost his shit when he found out about Ben and that I had been absent for five years.”

Castiel grimaces. “But that’s not your doing. That was Lisa.”

“He gets that now. But at first he didn’t see it that way. I think he’s just happy that the family name is being passed down. That and he knows that I would do anything for that kid. Just like he would for me and Sammy.”

Castiel smiles and reaches across the table to pat Dean’s arm. “You really would.”

******* 

Castiel was grateful that Dean had opened about his relationship with his father and Benny. Castiel had heard stories of the Cajun who was now married and expecting his first child. Sam had hinted that there was a history there, but Castiel didn’t want to pry. It also gave Castiel something to hope for and for a while, excellent fodder for his dreams and fantasies.

As sweet and perfect as the dreams were, they slowly started to fade away and started to be replaced with things he’d rather not dream about. At first they faded it the dreams of the green eyes. His heart knew that these eyes were Dean’s and had been Dean’s all along. After all they had practically lived together for the past two months and Castiel was well studied in the conversation of Dean’s eyes. Then again, with eyes like Dean’s, how could he not stare? 

These dreams, the beautiful green eyes were torn. To look at them made Castiel’s heart literally hurt. The pain in Dean’s eyes, the sorrow and worse the anger. They always made him gasp himself awake, unsure if he had truly done something to anger or hurt Dean. 

He had told Dr. Lewis of the disturbances in his sleep. She advised that she wants him to talk about them in the video journal as soon as they happen, even if all he does is lay in the dark and talks. She also increased his medication to help him sleep.

He wasn’t going to tell Dean about the changes that were happening, hoping to spare his friend from, yet another worry. HIs plan had failed of course when three weeks after Dean opened up to him, Castiel was caught in a nightmare that felt like he couldn’t escape. 

In his dream he was wearing the hospital issued white scrubs from his most recent mental break. Over them, he wore his old trench coat. His favorite one that hung to his mid-calf and looked as if it was two sizes too big. He was dirty, looked as if he hadn’t showered in weeks and his face full of a thick wiry beard. 

He was running through a forest of sort, the scenery of that of a gray scale. Overgrown bushes and broken trees tripped him as he ran. He ran from Zachariah, his mother, and others he vaguely recognized from either past church events or clients. He had no idea why he was running from them but he was. He could hear snarling from creatures in shadows, whispers for them to ‘kill the angel’. He lead them to a river. The smell of rotten eggs burns his nostrils as he’s cornered by his stepfather and mother. 

“Leave me alone!” Castiel shouts at them.

“Sinner!” Naomi snarls, exposing a mouth full of razor sharp teeth.

“Monster!” Zachariah add, as his own jaw dislocates to widen his mouth. Castiel doesn’t even know how to describe what he is seeing and he screams. He yells for them to leave him be. To let him live. 

He starts to jerk and flail when there is a pressure on his arms. Someone is holding him from behind, pinning him in place. He cries for help only to be met with the sinister laughs of the monsters around him. 

Then suddenly he hears it. It’s faint but distinct. Dean is calling for him, shouting his name. Castiel calls out to Dean, relief washing over him as hot, burning tears leave heavy trails down his soot and dirt covered face. The monsters in front of him snarl and turn to the direction in which Dean’s voice is heard.

“No!” Castiel screams. “Dean! Run!” 

He watches in horror as Dean still comes closer. “Cas!” he calls out.

Castiel can’t have the monsters get Dean. He would die before something ever happened to Dean.

“Cas!” Dean calls out again, his voice so much closer than it was before. “Cas, buddy, I got you!”

“Run, Dean! Go!” Cas panics. He can’t have the monsters get Dean.

*****

Dean was laying on the couch when he first heard a hint that something wasn’t right. He knew that Castiel wasn’t getting much sleep as of late and something was getting to him, but he hadn’t said anything to Dean and Dean wasn’t about to push him. 

Lately Dean had been thinking more about going back home to Michigan. He missed his job and is family. Having them under all one roof made Dean realize how homesick he really was. He also didn’t want to leave Cas. He actually wanted to bring Cas with him as he firmly believed that this apartment was holding Cas back. He knew it wasn’t in his place to say that though. So he waited for the moment when he knew Cas was ready for Dean to leave.

Tonight would not be that night as he heard Castiel scream from the bedroom. The previous sounds Dean had heard indicated that Castiel wasn’t have a pleasant dream at all. But the blood curdling noise that ripped through the silent apartment had Dean over the back of the couch and heading towards Castiel’s room without a second thought. By the time the second scream is ripped from his friend’s lungs, Dean is at the door.

“Cas?” He asks opening the door slowly in case Castiel was one of those sleep in the nude kind of guys. He can see from the sliver of moonlight that lights up the room that Cas is tangled in his sheets, thrashing around as if he is trying to run from the monsters that scare him.

“Stay away from me!” Cas shouts, his arms swinging at nothing. 

Dean’s worried about his friend’s well being with the way that he’s flailing around and pins his arms down besides him.

“Cas,” Dean calls again trying to wake the man up.

“Dean! Run!” Dean can hear the panic in Castiel’s voice even as he commands him from his sleep to run from whatever is plaguing his dreams, his head shaking back in forth.

“Cas!” Dean calls out louder. He feels Castiel’s muscles tighten under his hands. “Cas,” he she says again, sitting on the bed besides him, pulling the man up in his arms. He can sees the tears that stained his friend’s face now and his heart breaks. 

Castiel makes a whimpering noise that sounds like Dean’s name and he shushes him, trying to sooth him. “Cas… Buddy, I got you.”

“Run, Dean!” he sobs. “Please,” he whispers before he becomes dead weight in Dean’s arms. Dean shifts, trying to move himself out from under Castiel without waking him. He thinks he’s achieving his goal, able to move the man back to his pillows and start to back away. 

Dean reaches the doorway and hears the soft, “Dean?”

Dean pauses and look back at the bed he can see Cas leaning up slightly to stare at him. 

“Yeah, Cas,” he asks, softly. 

“Can you stay with me? At least until I fall asleep,” Cas asked quietly.

“Sure, Cas.”

That was the first night many nights that Dean had found himself lying in the same bed as Castiel. He had given Castiel enough space that each man had their own side of the bed. Neither one crossing the imaginary line between them. Eventually two weeks had passed and Dean had found himself waking in the mornings with Cas closer to him but again, never touching. Just the ghost of a touch. 

Often times while lying in bed the men would talk either about their day, their past. or just life in general. Tonight however was slightly different. Tonight the imaginary line was slowly disappearing as the two men lay together, their shoulders touching down to their elbows, occasionally fingers brushing together when one man laughs at the other’s story, or shifts to get more comfortable. 

Castiel was laughing at something Dean had just said a story that he had told about his first experience as being a dad with Ben. “You know,” Castiel said suddenly, his tone indicating a much somber topic. “My parents originally thought I was insane when I was a kid. I kept having these weird ass dreams,” he laughs sadly, “The only thing I could really distinguish of the dream where these eye... green eyes. They were emerald green?” Dean watches Cas tilt his head on his pillow as he thinks. “I don't even know if that's a good description of the color it was so unique and even as young as I was I knew there was something different about them.”

“I made the mistake of telling Naomi about the dreams,” he continues. “She instantly thought that it was something religious, like I was touched by the  _ Devil. _ ” his tone dripping with malice. “When the church told her that I was not possessed, Zachariah convinced her that I was insane. So that's part of the reason why I am the way I am now. Heavily medicated and what not.”

Dean rolls to his side to face Castiel. “I had them too,” he confesses. “Or something similar at least. I dreamt about someone’s eyes for a long time.”

Castiel rolls on his side mimicking Dean current position. HIs right hand is under his pillow while his left hand sits near Dean’s. He looks at their hands their pinkies barely touching each other. 

“It wasn't until that night at the hospital,” Castiel says, “that I thought that maybe my family was right. I mean,” he chuckles softly. “How do you dream of someone you've never met? But then you came in and the color was so similar to what I had seen over the years.”

Dean laughs softly. “My eyes were actually a darker green when I was younger,” he confesses. “As I got older they lightened up but I've been told that they actually change depending on my clothes and mood.”

Castiel looks up at Dean a small smile on his lips. He had noticed that about Dean’s eyes and actually loved that. “I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want you to think that I was crazy. I mean how would it look if this complete and utter stranger was like ‘oh hey your eyes look just like the ones I dream of?”

“No, I get it,” Dean says. “My mom she actually says that these dreams they happened because it's your soulmate or something chick flick like thing. But I had them too,” he confesses softly. “It took me a moment to realize what I was looking at when I looked into your eyes but once I figured it out, I didn't want to jinx it.”

“So what does this mean?” Castiel asks, his heart threatening to burst from his chest. Was it possible that Dean felt the same way that he did?

“I'm not sure. It seems kind of funny that we were essentially dreaming of each other if you look at it that way. They stopped for me when you came home though. Like having you in the other room was enough.”

Castiel rolls onto his back staring up at the ceiling. “So... Where does that leave us?” he asks in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

Dean moves a closer, just enough that he can feel the heat of Castiel's body. “I don't know but I want to see what happens,” he admits.

Castiel turns his head to the side, his eyes tracing the outline of Dean face in the low light of the moon. How was it possible that this beautiful, caring man wanted him? The most damaged person on God’s green earth?

Dean’s close enough that all Cas has to do is lean forward a bit and his lips would be against Dean full ones. The desire to feel Dean lips against his radiates through his body and now knowing that they both have the same dreams it almost feels as if this was meant to happen. But Castiel can't seem to make himself move.

Dean watches Castiel's eyes search along his face, every once in awhile flicking his gaze to his mouth. He can see the battle raging behind his eyes. Dean wonders if Castiel was thinking the same as him, wanting contact, desiring a touch in a way he had never desired before. Deciding to just go with it, Dean slowly cups Castiel face with his hand. He can feel Castiel's stuttering of breath at Dean’s touch. Castiel's hand moves to hold Dean’s forearm. As Dean moves forward so does Castiel. Humid air touches the tip of Dean’s thumb as it gently strokes the skin just below Cas’ bottom lip.

“Dean,” Castiel questions, not sure what he wants or what answer he hopes to get.

The scent of the mouthwash and toothpaste both men had to use prior fans over each others faces. Dean pushes himself up slightly angling his head and brushes his lip softly against Castiel's deciding fuck it. Castiel gasps at the touch of soft, silky, warm, flesh against his own lips. Dean starts to pull away thinking he may have crossed a line only to feel Castiel follow him as his own mouth searches for Dean.

Dean's hand slides to the back of Castiel's neck. Castiel's hand moves from Dean forearm to his shoulder slightly pushing him onto his back. The movement breaks their connection but creates a new fire between them. Dean pulls Castiel down, one hand grasping at Castiel’s dark hair as the other holds his hip. 

Castiel is conscious about his position. As much as he wants to rut against Dean, as much as he would love to let Dean feel how his body is responding to something as simple as this, but he doesn’t. Only his chest is pressed against Dean, careful not to place too much weight against him. Dean’s eyes are a darker green that Cas has ever seen and the look that he gives him, sends a chill down his spine in excitement. 

Dean brings his mouth to Cas. Slow gentle movements with his mouth as he takes Castiel’s bottom lip between his. When he feels Cas kiss back, hungrier than before, Dean can’t help the moan he makes when he feels the gentle tug at his lip.

Dean loses all track of time, for right now, the only thing that matters is this moment. It was months in the making. Months of trying to figure out where Castiel fit within his life and where he fit in his. Now in this moment, he has Castiel in his arms and he knows he can’t let him go.

Castiel’s head is swimming. He’s consumed with the scent and taste of Dean. The touch of his blunt nails dragging along his scalp. The way his hand grasps him, in a way Castiel is sure will leave a bruise, but doesn’t honestly care. The kiss, good God in Heaven, Castiel could die now and so do happily. With each stroke of tongue against his, the gentle bite of his lip, even the press of a smile; Castiel stores it for his own personal memory book in case this is all a dream.

Reluctantly, Dean pulls away from the kiss. While they were kissing slowly and sensually, both men are gasping for breath and smiling at the other. 

“Jesus, I’ve wanted to do that for months now,” Dean whispers.

Castiel smiles wider. “Took you long enough,” he teased, pecking Dean quickly on the lips.

Dean looks taken back at the teasing as he sputters for a response. Finally he retaliates by poking Castiel in the sides, making the grown man squeak in a very non manly way and giggle as Dean’s fingers tickle him along his ribs. 

Castiel squirms, trying to pull away from him only to wind up pinned under Dean. Both men are smiling, Castiel’s chest heaving as he catches his breath from laughing. Dean brushes a lock of hair from his forehead before pressing his lips there. Castiel could totally get used to kisses from Dean.

Dean looks over at the clock on the night stand and groans. “I gotta work in the morning, Cas.”

Castiel turns to see the blue digital light say that it was ten past midnight. “Sorry,” he apologized sheepishly.

Dean presses a chaste kiss to Castiel’s mouth, feeling the man smile against his lips. He then moves to lay on his side. Castiel rolls over, his back to Dean, mainly to hide the wide smile on his face. Somehow, his smile gets wider when Dean spoons him, pulling him tight against his chest. 

“Sleep well, Dean.” 

Castiel is more tired than he thought because soon he is drifting off to the touch of feather light kisses and the steady rhythm of Dean’s breathing.


	14. Chapter 14

###  Pontiac, Illinois

“So I know I should have told you this sooner,” Castiel says, picking at the imaginary lint on thigh area of his jeans. “But Dean and I kissed.” He smiles shyly at his lap. “It was... Indescribable. Like I’ve wanted it for so long but always wondered what in the world would he want with someone like me?” Castiel chuckles and shakes his head. “No, that’s a lie. I wanted to kiss him but always thought he was straight until last month when he told me about Benny. Then it was like the floodplains were opened and all I could think about when he would bite his lip or lick them or even when he takes a drink was kissing him.”

Castiel shifts to pull a leg up under him. “We kissed two weeks ago. I had been having those nightmares I told you about. The ones where I rescue him in Hell and the ones where I try to get him away from the monsters. Well, after asking him to stay with me one night, the nightmares stopped,” Castiel shrugs. “It seems silly now, that having someone in the bed with me keeps the nightmares away. I’ve slept alone so long that I never thought that the warmth of someone there, the feel of the bed shift with them as they get comfortable, or even the sound of their breathing would bring me comfort. Yet here I am.”

“The worst part is, I don’t even know what this is between Dean and I. Yes, we’ve kissed, and it was everything they write about in the silly romance novels and in the cheesy romance movies. I mean, logically, I didn’t hear the angels sing or anything, but it felt like something I was meant to do. I honestly thought it was just that night and things would go back to the way it was. But no. It’s changed things, slowly, but it’s changing. I actually look forward to seeing Dean off to work in the morning because he’s so free with the affection. He calls me sunshine, even though I know I’m no where near that in mornings,” Castiel laughs before continuing. “He’ll squeeze my shoulder when he walks past and always kisses me on his way out the door. And when he gets home,” he sighs. “I feel like I’m buzzing with electricity. You know what the first thing he does when he gets home from the shop? He finds me, pulls me to him and kisses me.”

“Like sometimes I wonder is this my life right now? Am I seriously falling in love with my best friend, who put his life on hold for me? Is it really possible to be so wrapped up in the sensation of being held in someone’s arms, drowning in the taste of them that you forget where you end and they begin? Is that something? Is that possible?”

Castiel pauses and looks over at the time on his digital clock, he should probably start on dinner if he wants it coming out of the oven by the time Dean is home. He stands, adjusting his jeans before sitting back down and looks to the flashing red light of the camera.

“I know what you’re asking. How does this step that Dean and I took make me feel? It confuses me. What are we? It excites me because he feels what I’m feeling too. And it scares me because I don’t deserve this happiness he brings me. I don’t want to think he’s going to hurt me like the others, but I know eventually he has to go back to his life and I don’t know if I can survive him leaving.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dean came home from the store to find Castiel sitting in the middle of the Claire’s room on top of the striped shag rug, clutching the stuffed pony Dean recognized from the first night they met. He stood in the doorway, watching the man he was falling for look as if he was about to break down again. 

Dean enters the room and quietly sits besides Cas. He can tell that he’s been crying, Castiel’s blue eyes are red and swollen, he snuffles when he breathes in through his nose. Dean slides his arm around Castiel’s shoulder, pulling the man closer to him when he sees the phone sitting in front of him. Castiel moves so that he can bury his face into Dean’s shoulder, seeking comfort from the only place he can.

Neither men say a word. Cas cries quietly as Dean sooths his back, periodically kissing the top of the dark head of hair. He waits patiently knowing that when Cas is ready, he’ll talk. Eventually the pony plushie is in Dean’s lap as Cas has wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, hugging him tightly as if he was a life preserve keeping him afloat.

Dean cards his fingers through Castiel’s hair. “You wanna talk about it?” he ventures after his ass starts to go numb from sitting in their current spot for so long. Castiel shakes his head a mumbles a soft no.

“Alright. Wanna help me with dinner?” He offers.

“Not hungry,” Castiel mutters into Dean’s neck as he tightens his hold. 

“I get that, but you need to eat, man. I know, instead of the steak, I’ll make chicken caesar salad so it’s light.” 

Castiel doesn’t take the bait to tease Dean over the salad. Instead, Dean feels his breath against his neck, deep and slow, as if he’s fallen asleep. It’s not until Cas mumbles that his butt hurts does Dean actually smile and huff out a laugh.

“I thought you fell asleep.”

Castiel shakes his head. “No. Just thinking.” He sits up, pulling himself off of Dean.

Dean stands up, stretching his arms above his head and wincing at the sounds of his back and shoulders popping. He reaches down, helping Cas up, who clings to him again. Dean kisses his temple and sighs.

“Com’on, let’s get you out of here.”

Cas nods sullenly and drags his feet to his room. He flops back on the bed and rubs the heel of his hands into his eyes. “I apologize, Dean. I wasn’t anticipating that reaction.”

Dean sits next to him, folding one leg up under him on the bed so he can look at Cas better. “What happened?”

Castiel sighs and sits up. “Naomi called.” Dean gritted his teeth, that was all the explanation he needed as he was pretty sure she just set Cas back a few weeks in his recovery. 

“I heard her in the background,” Castiel says so softly that Dean wasn’t sure he heard him correctly. “Giggling. Asking to talk to me.”

“And Naomi wouldn’t.” Dean hazard a guess.

Cas nods as a trail of tears spill from his eyes again. Dean reaches for him. His heartbreaking for his friend.  He could only imagine what Cas was feeling. Just being separated from Ben like he is now was starting to take a toll. But he, unlike Cas, knows Ben is just a phone call away.

“When does it stop hurting?” Castiel whimpers.

“I think that’s the fucked up thing about being a parent, Cas, you never stop hurting when it comes to your kid.”

Later that week, while the two men were eating dinner and Castiel proudly recounted how he convinced a client to not only renew his portfolio but to add more too it, Dean decided it was time to ask Cas about the future.

He was smiling like a fool at how happy Cas was. They had the minor set back with Naomi but Castiel seemed to have bounced right back. In fact it was this and the fact that Dean had noticed he was doing better that was giving him the courage to talk to Cas about his idea.

“Dean?” Castiel asks, wiping his mouth with his napkin. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, Cas. Just thinking.”

“About?”

Dean sighs. “Well, I think you’ve been doing great in your therapy and getting back on your feet.”

“I sense a but in there somewhere.”

Dean chuckles. “Yeah. I was just thinking that maybe a change of scenery would be good.” He pauses as Castiel leans back in his seats at looks at him owlishly.  _ Shit _ , he thinks to himself. “I mean, like you have so many memories here, so good ones, great ones even and then some not so great ones.What if you started over somewhere new?”

“What are you suggesting, Dean?”

Dean shrugs. “I don’t know, Cas. It was just a suggestion.”

Cas nods as if he understands. “What about you?”

Dean wasn’t expecting that. “What do you mean?”

Castiel drags his fork through his potatoes. “Do you need a change?”

Dean shakes his head. “No. I’m here for as long as you need me, Cas. I just miss my family and my house.”

“Oh.”

“But I mean it, Cas. If you still need me here, I’m here. I’m not gonna leave you when you need me.”

Cas laughs but the sound makes the hair on the back of Dean’s neck stand on edge. “Don’t worry about it, Dean. I meet with Doctor Lewis next Friday. I’ll see if she agrees that I’m ready to be unsupervised.” He gives Dean a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Cas, that’s not what I meant, man!”

“Dean, I assure you. I was joking. I just want to talk to Doctor Lewis beforehand. I mean you’re what, roughly three hours from here? “ Dean nodded and Castiel’s smile was more genuine before. “Then when you have time off you and Ben can come visit. Sam and Charlie, too.”

“Or you can come visit us, you know.”  _ Pussy _ , Dean’s inner voice scoffed. He really wanted to ask Cas to come back with him. To give whatever it was that was happening between them a chance. 

“I would like that.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

“I don’t want him to leave. God help me, I sound like a teenage girl, but I want him to stay with me. I mean, I knew this was going to happen eventually. He had a life he put on hold to help me pick up the pieces of my own. Why wouldn’t he want to go back when he notices that I’m doing better?”

“I knew I never should have allowed myself to get close to him. Because now I don’t want to let him go.” Castiel wipes under his eyes, feeling the warm wetness on his cheeks. “Shit,” he mutters and goes to stop the recording.

Later that day he finds himself talking to Doctor Lewis about the video previous and this weeks latest developments. As always, she sits patiently, letting Castiel talk in circles as he tries to understand what he’s thinking or wants to say. 

“Do you want my opinion?” She asks him after he has ranted about how he deserves the heartache that Dean’s talk of leaving is causing. 

Castiel can’t help the snort of laughter at her question. “Of course, that’s why I pay you.”

“Technically, you pay your insurance, they pay me,” She winks at him. “I think that you know what you need to do about Dean. It’s obvious that he has become such an important part of your life, and this slow burn you two have been doing is waiting for one of you to add the accelerant to the fire and get it blazing. But neither one of you are willing to risk the burn. You have to start living for  _ you _ , Castiel.”

“And give up on Claire?” Castiel asks.

Doctor Lewis shakes her head. “Not at all. You’re not giving up on your daughter. I’ve read the court documents. You’ve got a lot of work to do first, but you  _ can  _ and you  _ will _ have her back in your life. No one is expecting you to just bounce back from the trauma you’ve been through, like it was a common cold.”

“You really think I can get her back?”

“No doubt,” she says with a nod. “From what you’ve told me in our sessions and what I’ve seen from your video logs, you have an excellent support system. With your two cousins, who love you as if you were their little brother. To Dean and his family who have adopted you into theirs.”

“Dean says his uncle once told him family doesn’t end with blood.”

Doctor Lewis smiles at that. “Sounds like his uncle is a wise man.”

Castiel nods. “Dean speaks fondly off Bobby. I can tell he means a lot to him.”

Doctor Lewis leans forward and motions for Castiel to do the same. “I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. But you can’t tell anyone okay?” Castiel nods. “I think Dean is right. A change of pace might be good for you.” She holds her hand up to stop the protest that was coming. “Let me be perfectly clear, Castiel. You moving on, possibly pursuing a relationship with Dean and even moving to wherever the road takes you, is  _ not _ weakness. It does not mean you giving up on Claire. If anything it shows your determination to be the best person you can be so that you can be a present and active person in her life.” She reaches over and places her hand over Castiel’s clasped ones. “Dean cares about you, Castiel. I would say that you guys are evenly matched in that department. Don’t be afraid of the what ifs.”

“I don’t want to lose him,” Castiel admits.

“Then hang on to that. Mull it over for a bit. If you decide to make things work with him, I can get the name of my colleague in Michigan. She’s awesome and caring and I honestly believe that you would like her as well.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Castiel had lost count on how long Dean was in Illinois. He knew it had to had been at least half of the year, as Winchesters had been here in May and it was now mid-July. He had put serious thought into Dean leaving and every time he thought he would be okay, he could feel his heart shatter at the thought of not seeing this sleepy smile and fluffy bed head in the morning, of not hearing him whistle the classic rock songs he loves as he cooks, or being able to just watch the way he reacts to movies. Castiel wasn’t going to deny it anymore. He was madly and completely in love with Dean Winchester and the thought no longer scared him.

Both men were sitting on the bed, side by side, touching from shoulder to knee. Neither man spoke, sitting in silence as the seconds ticked away. Dean had the Impala pretty much packed up with the stuff he had accumulated since staying with Castiel. It wasn’t much but it was there. The final thing to go would be the olive green duffel with the name WINCHESTER printed on the side.

“It was my dad’s from when he was on tour in Nam,” Dean finally spoke when he noticed Castiel’s blue eyes trace the words. 

“I’m glad he made it home,” Castiel said softly, sliding his hand into Dean’s.

Dean tangled their fingers together. “Me too.” More silence. 

“It’s only three and half hours,” Castiel tried to reassure. 

“Yeah. If I drive like you,” Dean teased sadly.

Castiel snorts. “No you’re right, you and Baby would be here in two.”

“And I have weekends off,” Dean reminded.

“I can take the train.”

Dean nodded, his brain and heart screaming for Castiel to come with him. “Yeah…”

Another twenty minutes of silence, which felt much long to Castiel, and Dean moved. Bringing their joined hands together, brushing his lips to Castiel’s knuckles. “We should try to sleep,” he says softly. Castiel nods and both men go through the routine of getting ready. 

Dean is in bed first. He’s on his back staring at the ceiling as Castiel crawls into bed and slides under the covers. Normally, Castiel will lay on his side with Dean spooned behind him, his strong arms holding him close as if keeping him from harm. But tonight, Castiel lays his head on Dean’s shoulder using his left hand to draw patterns on his chest through the soft,well worn, cotton of his shirt. Dean’s own hand gently brushes along the soft curls at the nape of Castiel’s neck. A mindless rhythm as he thinks over his options.

Dean is anxious to get home and get back to Ben. He’s on summer vacation now which means Dean can have even more time with him. Despite how much he tried to downplay Ben’s excitement for Cas, it was nearly contagious. At least until he gets one look at Cas. That’s usually when everything comes crashing down and he feels like he’s letting Cas down, no matter how many times Cas tells him everything will be fine.

The feeling of Castiel’s weight shift, brings Dean’s attention to the man in his arms. He watches as Castiel pulls himself and leans closer. Warm lips are against Dean’s in a kiss that is slow and purposeful. No hint of the anticipated desperation or impending goodbyes. Dean whimpers, allowing Castiel to dominate the kiss when he feels the flick of Castiel’s tongue against the seams of his mouth. 

They kiss like this, deliberate strokes of tongue against tongue, sucking and nibbling of lips. Each man getting dizzy from either the lack of air or the passion, Dean wasn’t sure. He just knew he didn’t want it to stop. In fact, it was the first time since they crossed the physical boundary that Dean has found himself hating his whole let Cas set the limits rule, because right now he was really wanting to go further. 

As if reading his mind, Cas pulls back from the kiss. He’s got a shy smile on his lips that are now red, swollen and wet from their shared spit. “You were right,” he says softly. Dean only lifts an eyebrow in question. “I need a change.”

Dean tilts his head earning a soft laugh from Cas. “I’m not following, Cas.”

Castiel sits up and looks at Dean. “I need a change. You were right, there’s too many bad things that happened here. I need a new perspective on life in order to get better and get Claire.”

Dean pushed himself up and leans against the headboard of the bed. “Okay. That’s great. So you’re gonna look for a new apartment?” 

Castiel shakes his head and looks down at the sheet in his lap. Dean can see the hint of pink on his face.  _ Interesting _ , he thinks. “So what are you going to do?”

“Well that’s the thing. I unexpectedly fell in love with this amazing guy and I want to see what will happen between us but there’s a problem with that.”

Dean’s heart was racing, making him feel like he couldn’t breathe. “Yeah?” He asks instead. 

Castiel nods. “Yeah. It’s silly really. I don’t even know if he feels that way about me. And I’m probably setting myself up for more heartache, but I don’t want to be without him. But he’s leaving me in the morning.”

Dean’s eyes widen. “Cas?” 

“Take me with you?” He asks meekly before biting his lip.

Dean pulls Cas to him. “You love me?” Cas nods. “You want to come to Michigan, with me?” Castiel nods again as he moves to straddle Dean’s hips and sit in his lap.

“Please don’t leave me behind.”

Dean cradles Castiel’s face in his hands. His green eyes bright and searching before he crushes his mouth to Cas’. “Never. I’ll never leave you behind.” he says between kisses before resting his forehead to Cas’. “Tell me again.”

“I love you, Dean.”

“I love you, Castiel.” Dean’s grin matched Castiel’s. “Move in with me?”

Castiel tries to nod but can’t with his head being held. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Dean laughs in response, so completely gone over this man. He can’t wait to start the next chapter of their lives together. But first he had every intention to make-out with him like they were in high school again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this. My first attempt a big bang and what not.
> 
> And fear not readers! Act two (or book two) will be coming. After all, Dean and Cas's story is far from over! Until then, I hope you liked what you read and be sure to check out the[ amazing art in it's full quality!!](http://iouii.tumblr.com/post/163118478366/the-art-masterpost-for-the-destielbigbang-the)


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